Making sure partner isn’t a creep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

He should protect himself just as the mother is protecting her child. He has no idea what could happen if the relationship falls apart with the mother. Dating a single mother is just a bad idea all around.

It sounds like cameras in every room recording all the time is the only solution, like Big Brother TV show. That way everyone is protected.

You also need cameras in the cars and on the child. Just having them in every room in the house is not sufficiently protective (why not go all the way if you're protecting your child?).

Agreed, but Medieval castle turret would be the ultimate answer. Only one way in and Mom had the key. DD homeschools.

Kid probably shouldn't be allowed to travel in vehicles, either. Very dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I don't think you'd have to convince many men about this arrangement. Easily available sex and the man doesn't have to marry the woman and serve as a father figure?

Right? If he's pushing for cohabitation or marriage, it's worth seriously considering why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really impressed by you as well. I am glad that you are being very levelheaded about this, even though you are in a place where you’re considering marrying this person. These are real and serious questions every parent in this situation needs to consider. pedophiles as you know never walk around with a huge sign on their head, may not have anything in their background search, nor do they behave in inappropriate ways with their own nieces and nephews. They are also often people you never expect. I don’t have any specific advice for you here other than to keep up your vigilance, and make sure your daughter knows that you will always be there for her if she wants to discuss anything. I had a step father and he was sexually abusive during the middle school years. Pressing me against him hard in a hug so he could feel my budding breasts. Kissing me on the lips and trying to stick his lips inside my mouth. Thank god it stopped when I started high school. My mother was unemployed, in a new country, barely spoke English at the time. Given the fragile situation, I was sure she would never take my side. Her not taking my side would have crushed me more than the abuse so, I didn’t bring it up. When she did become employed and would work nights, I would stay holed up in my room. To this day, my mom can’t understand why I have such an intense hatred of my stepfather. I cut the relationship with the stepfather and my own babies have never seen him. My step dad has nothing on a background check, he treats his nieces and nephews wonderfully, and everyone otherwise thinks he is a saint. Be very careful, OP.

Ever consider it's you, not him?

Look at that wall of text. There's something there in you that needs to be addressed for you own good.

Not pp but its's clear we have a creep on this thread and it's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I don't think you'd have to convince many men about this arrangement. Easily available sex and the man doesn't have to marry the woman and serve as a father figure?

Right? If he's pushing for cohabitation or marriage, it's worth seriously considering why.

Isn’t this exactly OP’s situation ? This is truly concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a social media account called consentparenting that is pretty disturbing but has a lot of good info.

One thing I saw on it is to create a rule where you never leave your child alone with the step parent. So stepdad never babysits.

Also, the site has stats showing that abuse often comes from other children. So you have to watch out for stepsiblings especially teen ones.

I don't see how you can marry if you can't trust your partner not to sexually abuse your child. And I would certainly never marry someone if I thought they didn't trust me not abuse their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

That's fine, as long as you expect zero financial contribution from him or any kind of attention at all. Just basically pretending the child doesn't exist in the same space as you. No looking at or addressing the child. Never attending any event of the child's. I don't see the point of such a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

He should protect himself just as the mother is protecting her child. He has no idea what could happen if the relationship falls apart with the mother. Dating a single mother is just a bad idea all around.

It sounds like cameras in every room recording all the time is the only solution, like Big Brother TV show. That way everyone is protected.

You also need cameras in the cars and on the child. Just having them in every room in the house is not sufficiently protective (why not go all the way if you're protecting your child?).

May I suggest a chastity belt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not marry if I had a minor child. Sorry. He's going to be a weirdo, most likely. If he really loves you he can wait 12 years.

If he really loves you, he can wait the rest of his life.

No! That's not long enough. He should be willing to wait throughout the afterlife, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a social media account called consentparenting that is pretty disturbing but has a lot of good info.

One thing I saw on it is to create a rule where you never leave your child alone with the step parent. So stepdad never babysits.

Also, the site has stats showing that abuse often comes from other children. So you have to watch out for stepsiblings especially teen ones.

I don't see how you can marry if you can't trust your partner not to sexually abuse your child. And I would certainly never marry someone if I thought they didn't trust me not abuse their child.

Which is why many women decide not to remarry while they have a daughter under 18 living at home. You draw a line in the sand that you won't invite unrelated men to live in your home with your daughter. It's better for your daughter and, as some have pointed out, it's better for the men you are dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

That's fine, as long as you expect zero financial contribution from him or any kind of attention at all. Just basically pretending the child doesn't exist in the same space as you. No looking at or addressing the child. Never attending any event of the child's. I don't see the point of such a relationship.

Sadly, some of the single moms with daughters who do remarry do so because they need financial support, so they are most vulnerable to getting themselves and their child into a terrible situation. Women who are financially secure and not looking to have any more children are unlikely to end up remarried. What's the point, or at least, what's the rush?

Also, you don't have to go that far. You can date, spend time together, attend events, etc. You just maintain separate households until your children are launched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't get married.

+1000 I hate to scare you more but when I was young my mother married a guy and he ended up molesting me and my sibling until we were teens.

If I were you I would not get involved with anyone until they were 18 and not living at home. They are much more important than my feelings and loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

They are not. Biological parents are.

https://www.statista.com/statistics/254893/child-abuse-in-the-us-by-perpetrator-relationship/

The one you linked is abuse what OP is talking about is sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

You are amazing. I wish you had been my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to be sure. Good friend of mine had a daughter. Married a guy who seemed normal. As soon as daughter hit puberty he turned into a creep. Ugh. Made my skin crawl hearing about it. Obviously my friend divorced him.

What happened?