Making sure partner isn’t a creep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really impressed by you as well. I am glad that you are being very levelheaded about this, even though you are in a place where you’re considering marrying this person. These are real and serious questions every parent in this situation needs to consider. pedophiles as you know never walk around with a huge sign on their head, may not have anything in their background search, nor do they behave in inappropriate ways with their own nieces and nephews. They are also often people you never expect. I don’t have any specific advice for you here other than to keep up your vigilance, and make sure your daughter knows that you will always be there for her if she wants to discuss anything. I had a step father and he was sexually abusive during the middle school years. Pressing me against him hard in a hug so he could feel my budding breasts. Kissing me on the lips and trying to stick his lips inside my mouth. Thank god it stopped when I started high school. My mother was unemployed, in a new country, barely spoke English at the time. Given the fragile situation, I was sure she would never take my side. Her not taking my side would have crushed me more than the abuse so, I didn’t bring it up. When she did become employed and would work nights, I would stay holed up in my room. To this day, my mom can’t understand why I have such an intense hatred of my stepfather. I cut the relationship with the stepfather and my own babies have never seen him. My step dad has nothing on a background check, he treats his nieces and nephews wonderfully, and everyone otherwise thinks he is a saint. Be very careful, OP.

Ever consider it's you, not him?

Look at that wall of text. There's something there in you that needs to be addressed for you own good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with asking for a background check and I would suggest a camera in child's room.

Poor kid loses their privacy due to mommy's thoughts about men? How messed up is that, and what trauma will that cause the child.

Uh, kids don't need privacy; they need safety.

Wow! Feel sorry for any kids you have/had. That's horrible.

My kids don't have an unrelated male living in our house, and I wouldn't consider remarriage if I ended up divorced or widowed, at least not until my daughter was out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with asking for a background check and I would suggest a camera in child's room.

Poor kid loses their privacy due to mommy's thoughts about men? How messed up is that, and what trauma will that cause the child.

Uh, kids don't need privacy; they need safety.

Wow! Feel sorry for any kids you have/had. That's horrible.

My kids don't have an unrelated male living in our house, and I wouldn't consider remarriage if I ended up divorced or widowed, at least not until my daughter was out of the house.

Did you prohibit your kids from having a male teacher? If not, why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a social media account called consentparenting that is pretty disturbing but has a lot of good info.

One thing I saw on it is to create a rule where you never leave your child alone with the step parent. So stepdad never babysits.

Also, the site has stats showing that abuse often comes from other children. So you have to watch out for stepsiblings especially teen ones.

The very simple way to get around this is no step parents, no blended families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

Seems like you all are doing the single men out there a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

He should protect himself just as the mother is protecting her child. He has no idea what could happen if the relationship falls apart with the mother. Dating a single mother is just a bad idea all around.

It sounds like cameras in every room recording all the time is the only solution, like Big Brother TV show. That way everyone is protected.

You also need cameras in the cars and on the child. Just having them in every room in the house is not sufficiently protective (why not go all the way if you're protecting your child?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

Probably wise. Everyone is probably better off with this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

I would not marry if I had a minor child. Sorry. He's going to be a weirdo, most likely. If he really loves you he can wait 12 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

Seems like you all are doing the single men out there a favor.

Other than the predatory ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not marry if I had a minor child. Sorry. He's going to be a weirdo, most likely. If he really loves you he can wait 12 years.

If he really loves you, he can wait the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a woman but if I were a man, I would be very cautious entering a relationship where I'm by default considered a potential threat. Totally not worth it.

I was molested by my older cousin brother when I was 11

Ant man who is going to get in his feelings about a mom protecting her child is not a man worth having.

He should protect himself just as the mother is protecting her child. He has no idea what could happen if the relationship falls apart with the mother. Dating a single mother is just a bad idea all around.

It sounds like cameras in every room recording all the time is the only solution, like Big Brother TV show. That way everyone is protected.

You also need cameras in the cars and on the child. Just having them in every room in the house is not sufficiently protective (why not go all the way if you're protecting your child?).

Agreed, but Medieval castle turret would be the ultimate answer. Only one way in and Mom had the key. DD homeschools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I don't think you'd have to convince many men about this arrangement. Easily available sex and the man doesn't have to marry the woman and serve as a father figure?