Making sure partner isn’t a creep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kind of discussion hilights the contradictions in the kind of highly politicized academic progressive feminism that is often displayed in NY Times "think pieces."

On the one hand, they advocate for 100% female autonomy, which is an admirable objective.

However, autonomy is de-linked from also having responsibility for the outcomes of those autonomous choices.

But the two go hand in hand. 100% autonomy means 100% ownership of outcomes. Outcomes can be good or bad. Radical progressive feminism disavows ownership of negative consequences.

Therefore it's a logical fail.

People who actually internalize full responsibility for outcomes are EXTREMELY cautious in doing what they can to avoid really bad outcomes. That's why many commenters insist it is not worth the risk to the children for a single mom to date until the children are older. Even if the chance of abuse happening is very small, it's too much of a risk. So no dating. Full stop.

Its why radical progressives love Mamdani. They don't perceive themselves as being responsible for or suffering any bad consequences if he becomes Mayor.

Whereas people who actually have families to raise and businesses to run are starting to seriously contemplate relocating out of New York City should Mamdani win.

How did you make this about NYC politics?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:TBH I would definitely not bring a man into my home with a six year old daughter. But I am nuts--I never told people, but I never left my daughters alone with any man besides my DH, my dad, and my brother (all of whom I trust) when they were young. I didn't announce this policy, but I never even would leave them with my FIL or BIL. You never know... stepdads are kind of the number one abusers of children, I think....

Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her.

"Maybe" is doing an awful lot of work here.

Eh, I've discussed this with my girlfriends, and it's close to universally believed that remarriage is off the table if you have an under-18 daughter living at home.

yes that's the "rule" in my circle too. why do you need to be married or even living together? Have trysts in nice hotels or the guest house. Leave your kids out of it.

I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I had no idea how common it was. I had no idea people KNEW how common it was. I wish my mother had.

Sadly, many single moms are so desperate to get another man, any man, that they will ignore the obvious red flags either consciously or unconsciously and expose their children to predators in exchange for the predators companionship and financial support. Then they live in denial of the horrible abuse that they themselves enabled.

This.

The abuse levels when a non-biological male are in the home are very very high.

My mother waited to remarry until after my siblings and I were grown and I have always appreciated that she did that.

So many women are desperate for financial support or companionship and predators smell it miles away.

Citations?

https://www.phillyvoice.com/child-abuse-single-parenting-divorce-marriage-new-partners-advice/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2652941/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18457873/

https://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/08/health/unrelated-adults-at-home-increase-risk-for-children.html

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/children-higher-risk-nontraditional-homes-flna1C9464008

https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/news/unrelated-adults-in-the-home-associated-with-child-abuse-deaths

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2845296/

https://hope4hurtingkids.com/trauma-tragedy/abuse/risks-of-child-abuse-and-neglect-based-on-family-structure/

https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2011/04/3181/

I don't know how OP or any other single mom reads these and even contemplates cohabitation, remarriage, or not. Also, men reading this should be alarmed about the consequences for their children of cheating or otherwise being terrible husbands and causing a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a social media account called consentparenting that is pretty disturbing but has a lot of good info.

One thing I saw on it is to create a rule where you never leave your child alone with the step parent. So stepdad never babysits.

Also, the site has stats showing that abuse often comes from other children. So you have to watch out for stepsiblings especially teen ones.

The very simple way to get around this is no step parents, no blended families

True. Yet ironically the same folks throwing up the caution flags about stepdads etc.get offended when the MAGA types criticize non traditional families.

They are the most likely to abuse children, not sure that’s the horse you want to be up on for this issue.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m a widow with a 6 year old daughter. My current partner would like to get married. I love him and think he’s wonderful. Something that gives me pause is that as a child one of my aunts married a pedophile who ended up abusing her kids. I don’t want to introduce anything like that to my kid.

For those of you who remarried with kids, how did you determine your new partner wasn’t an abuser?

If you don't know this person well enough to not be sure he isn't a.child abuser then why are you even anywhere close to talking marriage.

If you have a shred of doubt he might be an abuser why are you in a relationship with him at all.

What the actual

All this. How are you spreading your legs for someone who you think might want to spread your daughters’?

You are a idiot. You never know anyone, ever. You think any mother went along with a new man in the house thinking they would ever abuse their children? What a stupid comment you made!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't get married.

This ^

[Anonymous]

This is such a sad thread on a number of dimensions.

[Anonymous]

So much crazy on this thread. Yes, SA is a real issue and you need to take precautions. No, you should not live your life - and force your children to live - as if everyone is a predator. Even your father and brother! FFS...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your custody situation?

If you just spend every night with BF when DD is with your ex, that can be a pretty good relationship for a lot of men. Just frame it that you want to wait until she is a little older before building a new family — vague.

I don’t know what she is right — maybe 13? So it’s a long wait I know, but if you are keeping him busy and a fun date and he’s not looking for his own kids it can work.

She said she was a WIDOW! Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

In the post's title, OP says she wants to make "sure" her partner isn't a creep. Not going to happen. No one goes into a remarriage thinking their partner is a creep; they find that out after the damage has been done.

The University of Chicago article says the risk of abuse increases nearly 50-fold when there are unrelated adults living in a home. So, not only can you not be "sure" the man you're dating is not a creep, but you also know that you are increasing the risk of harm to your child by 50x. Can't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a widow with a 6 year old daughter. My current partner would like to get married. I love him and think he’s wonderful. Something that gives me pause is that as a child one of my aunts married a pedophile who ended up abusing her kids. I don’t want to introduce anything like that to my kid.

For those of you who remarried with kids, how did you determine your new partner wasn’t an abuser?

If you don't know this person well enough to not be sure he isn't a.child abuser then why are you even anywhere close to talking marriage.

If you have a shred of doubt he might be an abuser why are you in a relationship with him at all.

What the actual

All this. How are you spreading your legs for someone who you think might want to spread your daughters’?

You are an idiot. You never know anyone, ever. You think any mother went along with a new man in the house thinking they would ever abuse their children? What a stupid comment you made!

I said what I said. I would never sleep with anyone I thought could potentially abuse a child. Apparently OP is doing so. So who’s the idiot here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a widow with a 6 year old daughter. My current partner would like to get married. I love him and think he’s wonderful. Something that gives me pause is that as a child one of my aunts married a pedophile who ended up abusing her kids. I don’t want to introduce anything like that to my kid.

For those of you who remarried with kids, how did you determine your new partner wasn’t an abuser?

If you don't know this person well enough to not be sure he isn't a.child abuser then why are you even anywhere close to talking marriage.

If you have a shred of doubt he might be an abuser why are you in a relationship with him at all.

What the actual

All this. How are you spreading your legs for someone who you think might want to spread your daughters’?

You are an idiot. You never know anyone, ever. You think any mother went along with a new man in the house thinking they would ever abuse their children? What a stupid comment you made!

I said what I said. I would never sleep with anyone I thought could potentially abuse a child. Apparently OP is doing so. So who’s the idiot here?

You have to be a virgin then, because by your standard you can never ever know.

[Anonymous]

Do not get married. Keep your realationship with him separate from your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a widow with a 6 year old daughter. My current partner would like to get married. I love him and think he’s wonderful. Something that gives me pause is that as a child one of my aunts married a pedophile who ended up abusing her kids. I don’t want to introduce anything like that to my kid.

For those of you who remarried with kids, how did you determine your new partner wasn’t an abuser?

If you don't know this person well enough to not be sure he isn't a.child abuser then why are you even anywhere close to talking marriage.

If you have a shred of doubt he might be an abuser why are you in a relationship with him at all.

What the actual

All this. How are you spreading your legs for someone who you think might want to spread your daughters’?

You are an idiot. You never know anyone, ever. You think any mother went along with a new man in the house thinking they would ever abuse their children? What a stupid comment you made!

I said what I said. I would never sleep with anyone I thought could potentially abuse a child. Apparently OP is doing so. So who’s the idiot here?

You have to be a virgin then, because by your standard you can never ever know.

Nope. Most men aren’t molesters. A lot of women have terrible pickers, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't know how OP or any other single mom reads these and even contemplates cohabitation, remarriage, or not. Also, men reading this should be alarmed about the consequences for their children of cheating or otherwise being terrible husbands and causing a divorce.

DP These men don't care about their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a widow with a 6 year old daughter. My current partner would like to get married. I love him and think he’s wonderful. Something that gives me pause is that as a child one of my aunts married a pedophile who ended up abusing her kids. I don’t want to introduce anything like that to my kid.

For those of you who remarried with kids, how did you determine your new partner wasn’t an abuser?

If you don't know this person well enough to not be sure he isn't a.child abuser then why are you even anywhere close to talking marriage.

If you have a shred of doubt he might be an abuser why are you in a relationship with him at all.

What the actual

All this. How are you spreading your legs for someone who you think might want to spread your daughters’?

You are an idiot. You never know anyone, ever. You think any mother went along with a new man in the house thinking they would ever abuse their children? What a stupid comment you made!

I said what I said. I would never sleep with anyone I thought could potentially abuse a child. Apparently OP is doing so. So who’s the idiot here?

Not PP. The real problem here is you can never prove a negative in something like this, particularly in the future. This guy will always be under suspicion. And if OP has a frank conversation with DD “to plant the seed”, then that is ripe for problems as well.

I think OP needs to confront the partner right now and express her concerns that he may be an abuser. He needs to know. He may not want to even see OP causally, given the future limitations of the relationship. If I was him, I would cut all contact, and just move on.