Making sure partner isn’t a creep
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Anonymous
Getting married has nothing to do with this. I recently served on a jury, the case was about a boyfriend who raped repeatedly the partner’s daughter between age 5 and 8. They never married, they never even lived in the same house, they had separate apartments . And kids are unlikely to report, even when they have good relationships with the parent, because they are ashamed, because they think it was their fault, because they may not understand it was violence and not affection, because they are threatened. It is hard because many people are good people, a cousin of mine met a woman with a young daughter and he raised her as his own. Daughter is now an adult who love him as a father and my cousin and his wife are retired. I think OP did what sue was supposed to do, background check, meeting family and friends, move slowly. Sue should keep eyes wide open and talk to her DD, not just for this guy for because risk is everywhere and it is important that the DD knows anything should be reported ti her mother snd that her mother will always have her back. |
Anonymous
Same. I wouldn't even leave my 6-year-old alone with my dad or brother, and I have no reason not to trust them - I spent an entire childhood at home with no issue. And maybe I am nuts too, but I've never left my daugter alone with a man other than her father: no sleepaway camps, no sleepovers. It's nothing I've announced either. I just have a powerful feeling that I have to protect her. |
Anonymous
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What is your custody situation?
If you just spend every night with BF when DD is with your ex, that can be a pretty good relationship for a lot of men. Just frame it that you want to wait until she is a little older before building a new family — vague. I don’t know what she is right — maybe 13? So it’s a long wait I know, but if you are keeping him busy and a fun date and he’s not looking for his own kids it can work. |
Anonymous
| OP, are you going to expect your partner to act like a co-parent re discipline, etc. or is he supposed to be totally “hands-off” ? (No pun intended). You need to have those conversations before you marry/cohabitate. |
Anonymous
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There is a social media account called consentparenting that is pretty disturbing but has a lot of good info.
One thing I saw on it is to create a rule where you never leave your child alone with the step parent. So stepdad never babysits. Also, the site has stats showing that abuse often comes from other children. So you have to watch out for stepsiblings especially teen ones. |
Anonymous
Background checks are only useful for perps who’ve been caught. |
Anonymous
They are not. Biological parents are. https://www.statista.com/statistics/254893/child-abuse-in-the-us-by-perpetrator-relationship/ |
Anonymous
Your obsessive thoughts will ruin any marriage. You might should wait until you are older and the kid is grown to remarry. But even then, you might worry about the new husband molesting his own kid with you. TLDR, You have Pure O or purely obsessive form of OCD. |
Anonymous
| OP, I’m impressed by your maturity around this. It’s a real threat but most women in love would never ever try to imagine it. Your kid is young, and you haven’t been together too long. I would wait another few years before thinking about it again. I’d be hesitant to cohabitate with anyone. It most likely won’t be good for your kid even if he is a good guy. |
Anonymous
Wow. This is an interesting overreaction. I think OP sounds smart. Wonder what’s going on with you, PP. the fact is that a shocking number of children are abused by a nonbiological male they live with. |
Anonymous
That is pure numbers. It doesn’t tell the story of biological father vs stepfather. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6609753/ Analysis of interviews obtained from a random sample of 930 adult women in San Francisco revealed that 17% or one out of approximately every six women who had a stepfather as a principal figure in her childhood years, was sexually abused by him. The comparable figures for biological fathers were 2% or one out of approximately 40 women. In addition, when a distinction was made between Very Serious Sexual Abuse (including experiences ranging from forced penile-vaginal penetration to non-forceful attempted fellatio, cunnilingus , and anal intercourse) and other less serious forms, 47% of the cases of sexual abuse by stepfathers were at the Very Serious level of violation compared with 26% by biological fathers |
Anonymous
You share a similar phobia and bigotry. |
Anonymous
As women, if we weren't abused ourselves, many of us have a close friend who was. Most women worry deeply about their daughters around unrelated men. |
Anonymous
| I agree with asking for a background check and I would suggest a camera in child's room. |
Anonymous
Poor kid loses their privacy due to mommy's thoughts about men? How messed up is that, and what trauma will that cause the child. |