Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

Op, listen to yourself. You are being extremely judgmental of your child. Maybe his constitution is just different from his siblings. I am a twin and was totally type A just like my younger brother. We were both D1 athletes and Presidential Scholars. College was totally free for both of us, and we have both done well professionally. My fraternal twin brother was neither an athlete or a great student. He was average at best at both. My parents basically treated him as less than and continued to do so. However, he was very popular, had lots of friends, got a decent job and is happily married with 2 kids. He is not a high earner, but he has tons of friends and is happy. To this day, he feels that he was not valued by our parents and resents them. He has a great relationship with his kids. Please try to be a better parent to your kid. Not everyone can be competitive. Listen to your kid and plan a special trip with him. Get him to do the leg work, give him a budget, and get him motivated for goals for the trip - what does he want to see, enjoy, learn about, etc.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's cruel OP. Why not take him on a special trip to explore an interest?

[Anonymous]

You’re saying that he has to have a special interest that you value — in order to earn and deserve time with you like his siblings have. Is that really the message that you want to give him as his parents? Ask him where he’d like to go and what he’d like to do, and have some suggestions ready. In a few short years you may be struggling to earn time and attention from him.

Here’s a link to the Cats in the Cradle song.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c

[Anonymous]

You are spending $$$ on gymnastics and soccer for the other kids (I have a former competitive gymnast and it was easily $10-15k a year depending on level and travel requirements). Complaining about the cost of a trip to LA (a few thousand at most?) for a kid you are NOT spending a fortune on seems off to me. If you truly can't afford it ask him to come up with some closer options.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid who is highly motivated in everything (sports, instrument) and one who is naturally more chill and has not stuck with any sport. But we meet the chill kid where he is - for ex, while other kid was at a sports camp, we took the chill kid on a vacation focused on fishing because he loves it. Just to honor his interests and make him feel seen -- DH and I don't like to fish but we pretend. Having a sibling who is an overachiever can be hard and we want to make sure the other kid feels valued for who he is.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to take him to LA if it’s too costly in time or money but FFS lady take your son somewhere?!?! I agree with the poster who said let him pick something he’s interested in to do. Maybe that’s read a book by a beautiful lake. Lazy? Sure, but it’s absolutely something I’d love to do with my kid.

Or don’t. But to find out what will happen pop into the “Family Relationships” forum, see what the adult children (and adult children in law!!) of parents like you think about their upbringing. Get ready for a lot of “my brother/sister can do it, they’re the ones who aren’t lazy” when you need something like attention or assistance in your old age.

At least we’ll know in your case you earned it.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God, take the kid on his own special trip. What’s wrong with you!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think it is cruel. Accept him for who he is. Take him on a trip to a place where there is something that interests him.

Yes. DH takes him camping. I take him with me to visit family. He is specifically requesting a trip solo to LA just for fun. Sans siblings. His reasoning is “sister and brother got to go to Chicago & Miami but that was for sports. If we go to LA or another big trip we’d go as a family.

He is correct. Why wouldn’t you do this?

Hmm.. sounds like OP's child has found an interest ..in dcum.

[Anonymous]

I sort of agree with OP. These trips are for the kids activities they arent for vacations. I wouldn't pay for a solo trip just because. But I would offer for the other son to come along on a siblings sport trip if they are interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're getting a rare instance of unanimous response in DCUM. Listen up , and do right by your kid.

I'll be the outlier and say I don't agree. Why are the other siblings prohibited from a trip because they've 'used up' all the one-on-one time with their parents? Are they being punished for the time commitment to the other activities? Who stays home to watch the siblings? This is the kind of trip that breeds resentment and doesn't solve anything.

I have a DC who puts in an incredible amount of time and energy because he loves his sport (which, for the record, is going nowhere past high school because he isn't so good college is a thought). As parents, we then have to also match that time and energy. I have another DC who doesn't practice anything - not the instrument, not her singing, nothing. She has private lessons, at her request, for both of those things. I'm happy to support her and take her to shows in DC and NYC. If we're on vacation, I'll seek out theater she'd enjoy. But there's zero chance I'd plan a special vacation across the country to make up for what OP's son sees as an injustice. You're just validating a feeling that's incorrect.

Now, I will say, given other posts on DCUM, having a 15 yo who wants to vacation with you is a win. So maybe there's a middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're getting a rare instance of unanimous response in DCUM. Listen up , and do right by your kid.

I'll be the outlier and say I don't agree. Why are the other siblings prohibited from a trip because they've 'used up' all the one-on-one time with their parents? Are they being punished for the time commitment to the other activities? Who stays home to watch the siblings? This is the kind of trip that breeds resentment and doesn't solve anything.

I have a DC who puts in an incredible amount of time and energy because he loves his sport (which, for the record, is going nowhere past high school because he isn't so good college is a thought). As parents, we then have to also match that time and energy. I have another DC who doesn't practice anything - not the instrument, not her singing, nothing. She has private lessons, at her request, for both of those things. I'm happy to support her and take her to shows in DC and NYC. If we're on vacation, I'll seek out theater she'd enjoy. But there's zero chance I'd plan a special vacation across the country to make up for what OP's son sees as an injustice. You're just validating a feeling that's incorrect.

Now, I will say, given other posts on DCUM, having a 15 yo who wants to vacation with you is a win. So maybe there's a middle ground.

The resentment is clearly already there, it’s just choosing to say the “unworthy” son’s resentment is fine and the golden children’s should be avoided. Also, this trip doesn’t “prohibit” them from having a one on one trip? Especially if OP keeps it to an overnight or two and (justifiably) saves trans continental trips for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. I don’t think you are wrong, OP. You said your son goes on trips with dad and 1:1 trip with you. So what if they aren’t LA? It’s not like the other two are picking the destinations either. I’m sure he is welcome/or maybe does go with you on sports trips. As long as he is getting a reasonable amount of 1:1 time with parents and you support his interests (and if he has none, fine). But he doesn’t have a reason to be complaining, IMO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

To be very clear here, the natural consequence that you're speaking of is that his parents value him less than his driven siblings, right? Because that's the natural consequence that I'm feeling, and I'm not even a emotional teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think it is cruel. Accept him for who he is. Take him on a trip to a place where there is something that interests him.

Yes. DH takes him camping. I take him with me to visit family. He is specifically requesting a trip solo to LA just for fun. Sans siblings. His reasoning is “sister and brother got to go to Chicago & Miami but that was for sports. If we go to LA or another big trip we’d go as a family.

He is correct. Why wouldn’t you do this?

Hmm.. sounds like OP's child has found an interest ..in dcum.

Is this you OP?

[Anonymous]

Um…this post is sad.

Yes take him on something special to him. Camping is easy and cheap. Not everything is achievement based and frankly most kids never do anything with their sport so it’s really not that impressive I promise.