Son dating girl whose parents don’t allow her to date

[Anonymous]

This was my good friend in high school. They are now married with 3 adorable kids. I honestly have no idea if/how his parents were involved in high school, but her girlfriends were very often alibis. His name was in a girls name in her phone. I do not think his parents meeting her parents would have gone over well. The house rules and if and how she broke them were between her and her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We are Asian-Americans and we don’t condone dating for our 14 year old DD. We don’t have any issues with her having close friends of the opposite sex. She hangs out with friends of both sexes. We don’t like the idea of her being exclusive with anyone at this early age. There’s an expectation that they need to be something different or more when they are ‘dating’. She has plenty of time to date later in HS and college.

If a boy’s parent approached us about their son dating out daughter, we would tell them the same.

I had friends with strict parents like you in high school. Guess which girls were sneaking out and lying to their parents and then went completely wild when they got a bit of freedom in college?

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

no do not turn the girl in to her parents.

it is not your job to hold this girl to her parents' cultural standard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We are Asian-Americans and we don’t condone dating for our 14 year old DD. We don’t have any issues with her having close friends of the opposite sex. She hangs out with friends of both sexes. We don’t like the idea of her being exclusive with anyone at this early age. There’s an expectation that they need to be something different or more when they are ‘dating’. She has plenty of time to date later in HS and college.

If a boy’s parent approached us about their son dating out daughter, we would tell them the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.

It;s threads like these that let you know this forum is mostly white women cool moms. They assume their way is correct. They assume it's their place to educate and correct. If they just talk.They lie to themselves saying they aren't enabling bad and disrespectful behavior in their children and then try to gaslight you.

The girl is the one lying and sneaking and not following her family’s rules. She’s the one being disrespectful to her parents, not the boy.

And op and her son are helping her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is absolutely between the girl and her parents. It should not be up to your 14-year-old son to interpret and enforce another family’s rules. It doesn’t sound like your kid is doing anything wrong (I read from your comments that the girl doesn’t care what her parents think not that your kid doesn’t care), and is just trying to understand how to navigate a challenging situation. I think you need to stay out of this as well, other than giving him good guidance on this situation perhaps being a nonstarter.

14 year olds shouldn't be dating.

Op shuts it down.

Simple.

These are not grown people.

These are not even 16 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is absolutely between the girl and her parents. It should not be up to your 14-year-old son to interpret and enforce another family’s rules. It doesn’t sound like your kid is doing anything wrong (I read from your comments that the girl doesn’t care what her parents think not that your kid doesn’t care), and is just trying to understand how to navigate a challenging situation. I think you need to stay out of this as well, other than giving him good guidance on this situation perhaps being a nonstarter.

14 year olds shouldn't be dating.

Op shuts it down.

Simple.

These are not grown people.

These are not even 16 year olds.

Getting ice cream, talking on phone and going to a dance is totally age appropriate. “Dating” at 14 doesn’t look like it does at 16 or 17. Restrict your own kids’ social life however you like, but don’t pathologize kids doing normal kid things.

[Anonymous]

How “late at night” are these FaceTiming sessions? I wouldn’t stress about the after school hangouts, but I wouldn’t facilitate him being on his phone with this girl after 10pm or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

This^. Don't make it harder for her. She has no control over it but she can try to gradually get them on board or wait to become independent after 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t allow your son to date her. You’re teaching him to disrespect his elders.

to disrespect unreasonable rules. If adults see it as their disrespect, that's their problem.

[Anonymous]

Majority of Asian parents want under 18 kids to focus on getting into good colleges and not allow dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[qteen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

This^.