Spouse lost his job and its ruining our life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

So glad it worked out. Thanks for sharing.

It did. I was talking to a friend last week about how I was sure we were ruined. I'd get in the car and drive to run errands by myself and cry. And now his career is now better than ever. But I never showed him my worry. I was surprised that I could be that strong. But I did it for him and our kids. No question it's scary, OP. But if you can help him you will be proud of yourself that you could be so strong. I worry that you are saying he is ruining your lives. That is a lot of pressure and blame.

I was strong like that and supporive the first 6-8 months. But as more time has gone by and prospective jobs dont make offers, it has taken more and more of a toll. When I say that it's ruining our life, Im not just talking about me. This situation has ruined his life individually.

I know this is expensive, but what about a career coach in his industry. I know a couple of people who have done this when things weren't going well. Turned things around. It seems to be part therapy, part how best to deal with situations, part how to present better. But I know this is hard when you're already dipping into savings. I think the most helpful to both was the therapy part, delving into what was getting in their way in interviewing. Your DH clearly gets interviews. What is getting in the way of him getting the jobs?

You may have answered this, but can you step up your own career? (You're a teacher??)

Big hugs, OP. I know it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

So glad it worked out. Thanks for sharing.

It did. I was talking to a friend last week about how I was sure we were ruined. I'd get in the car and drive to run errands by myself and cry. And now his career is now better than ever. But I never showed him my worry. I was surprised that I could be that strong. But I did it for him and our kids. No question it's scary, OP. But if you can help him you will be proud of yourself that you could be so strong. I worry that you are saying he is ruining your lives. That is a lot of pressure and blame.

I was strong like that and supporive the first 6-8 months. But as more time has gone by and prospective jobs dont make offers, it has taken more and more of a toll. When I say that its ruining our life, Im not just talking about me. This situation has ruined his life individually.

This clearly is very unhealthy for both of you. He needs to get a gig job- I actually think the Rover idea is fantastic. He probably needs to leave the house more and this will bring in some income. He can still apply to jobs but it’s time to do something to get out of the house and bring in income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

I feel like I have daily breakdowns. I cry, feel sorry for our situation, then feel bad I’m not being supportive.
I want to talk to someone- hoping to make a connection for him. I’ve been prayerful and hopeful- all that I can do.
I work part time, then do some private tutoring in the evening.

Some days I can’t catch my breath.
I can only image how he’s feeling… he feels lost, depressed, like a loser… it’s so hard watching your spouse fail.

OP here- youve summed it up exactly. Many sleepless nights over here and then the daytime is so hard because Im mentally exhausted and tired from not sleeping. Although going to work and being busy there feels like a vacation away from the turmoil I feel when Im at home.

Yes- that’s exactly how it is. And then I have to come home… curious to know what he did or didn’t do… sleeping in, not motivated…

This sounds like a different situation. If my DH were unemployed and playing video games all day/not looking for another job/not even trying to bring in income in the interim by driving uber, bartending, etc. I’d leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

So glad it worked out. Thanks for sharing.

It did. I was talking to a friend last week about how I was sure we were ruined. I'd get in the car and drive to run errands by myself and cry. And now his career is now better than ever. But I never showed him my worry. I was surprised that I could be that strong. But I did it for him and our kids. No question it's scary, OP. But if you can help him you will be proud of yourself that you could be so strong. I worry that you are saying he is ruining your lives. That is a lot of pressure and blame.

I was strong like that and supporive the first 6-8 months. But as more time has gone by and prospective jobs dont make offers, it has taken more and more of a toll. When I say that its ruining our life, Im not just talking about me. This situation has ruined his life individually.

You gotta pull through. He needs to diversify where he applies-look in other areas/companies/different titles. I took a huge step down when I was laid off years ago, but worked my way to an even better role and salary within a couple years. It is easier to get a job if you have a job, so he should be applying for roles that are lateral moves or even one step below what he was before.

Ask for help from people. See if you have a friend who could interview prep with him. Has he used his network? What about family and friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

So glad it worked out. Thanks for sharing.

It did. I was talking to a friend last week about how I was sure we were ruined. I'd get in the car and drive to run errands by myself and cry. And now his career is now better than ever. But I never showed him my worry. I was surprised that I could be that strong. But I did it for him and our kids. No question it's scary, OP. But if you can help him you will be proud of yourself that you could be so strong. I worry that you are saying he is ruining your lives. That is a lot of pressure and blame.

I was strong like that and supporive the first 6-8 months. But as more time has gone by and prospective jobs dont make offers, it has taken more and more of a toll. When I say that it's ruining our life, Im not just talking about me. This situation has ruined his life individually.

I know this is expensive, but what about a career coach in his industry. I know a couple of people who have done this when things weren't going well. Turned things around. It seems to be part therapy, part how best to deal with situations, part how to present better. But I know this is hard when you're already dipping into savings. I think the most helpful to both was the therapy part, delving into what was getting in their way in interviewing. Your DH clearly gets interviews. What is getting in the way of him getting the jobs?

You may have answered this, but can you step up your own career? (You're a teacher??)

Big hugs, OP. I know it is hard.

Thank you. Thanks to lots of helpful suggestions here, I have suggested to him to look a a career or interview coach. Im hoping he does. Yes, I have been spending all my free time (other than tonight) applying to higher paying jobs and supplemental work.

[Anonymous]

Something else I did, was really look at our budget and cut way back. It was almost a game. We can only spend X amount. And I kept track of it. I presented it as a challenge. It also showed me how much we spent unnecessary things.

But what it really did was make me feel less helpless. I was doing something. I wasn't bringing more money per se, but I was spending less of what we had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

So glad it worked out. Thanks for sharing.

It did. I was talking to a friend last week about how I was sure we were ruined. I'd get in the car and drive to run errands by myself and cry. And now his career is now better than ever. But I never showed him my worry. I was surprised that I could be that strong. But I did it for him and our kids. No question it's scary, OP. But if you can help him you will be proud of yourself that you could be so strong. I worry that you are saying he is ruining your lives. That is a lot of pressure and blame.

I was strong like that and supporive the first 6-8 months. But as more time has gone by and prospective jobs dont make offers, it has taken more and more of a toll. When I say that its ruining our life, Im not just talking about me. This situation has ruined his life individually.

You gotta pull through. He needs to diversify where he applies-look in other areas/companies/different titles. I took a huge step down when I was laid off years ago, but worked my way to an even better role and salary within a couple years. It is easier to get a job if you have a job, so he should be applying for roles that are lateral moves or even one step below what he was before.

Ask for help from people. See if you have a friend who could interview prep with him. Has he used his network? What about family and friends?

Thank you. Hes been networking and asking for help. He knows he will be taking abig pay cut and step down, if hes even that lucky and has come to terms with that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

So glad it worked out. Thanks for sharing.

It did. I was talking to a friend last week about how I was sure we were ruined. I'd get in the car and drive to run errands by myself and cry. And now his career is now better than ever. But I never showed him my worry. I was surprised that I could be that strong. But I did it for him and our kids. No question it's scary, OP. But if you can help him you will be proud of yourself that you could be so strong. I worry that you are saying he is ruining your lives. That is a lot of pressure and blame.

I was strong like that and supporive the first 6-8 months. But as more time has gone by and prospective jobs dont make offers, it has taken more and more of a toll. When I say that it's ruining our life, Im not just talking about me. This situation has ruined his life individually.

I know this is expensive, but what about a career coach in his industry. I know a couple of people who have done this when things weren't going well. Turned things around. It seems to be part therapy, part how best to deal with situations, part how to present better. But I know this is hard when you're already dipping into savings. I think the most helpful to both was the therapy part, delving into what was getting in their way in interviewing. Your DH clearly gets interviews. What is getting in the way of him getting the jobs?

You may have answered this, but can you step up your own career? (You're a teacher??)

Big hugs, OP. I know it is hard.

Thank you. Thanks to lots of helpful suggestions here, I have suggested to him to look a a career or interview coach. Im hoping he does. Yes, I have been spending all my free time (other than tonight) applying to higher paying jobs and supplemental work.

Applying to jobs is fine but you need to tap your network. Ask around/ talk to friends and family and let them know you are also looking for a new job/side gig/ whatever.

The last person I hired it was due to a network. Three people in my network flagged this person was interested in the role and I told them we were starting interviews so she needed to apply that day. She did, looked great, brought her in and she got the job. If the network hadn't told me/recommended her and I had not told them she needed to apply right away I might have missed her application because the process would have started or HR would have flagged her out, who knows.

Your husband could also substitute teach for the rest of the year and apply for roles after. Subs make pretty decent $ and he might be able to apply for roles on off periods/during the day.

[Anonymous]

And another thing I did was up my exercise. And I don't mean going to the gym. I would put my computer on the bar height counter and march, dance, move to help relieve the stress. I'd march around the house. Make myself walk the dog even though I didn't want to. If I wasn't moving I would feel even more paralyzed by it.

I also remember seeing people and their life seeming fine and normal and this sensation of how can the world be going on when mine was falling apart. I understood that this was crazy.

I'm only saying any of this because maybe it will help to know that you aren't alone. It happens to more people than you realize. And now you're getting ideas for how to move forward in a slightly different direction than what hasn't been working.

GL. I am rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

Oh HELLLL no.

That is not an unemployment issue. That is a spouse issue.

[Anonymous]

Can he start a business? I did that in my 30s and have never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn’t say a thing about her trying to get a higher-paid job. All she apparently wants to do is blame her spouse for having made what at the time was a choice to earn more money for their family but in retrospect was a bad decision. Women like her are disgusting. Whenever things get tough they revert to very traditional attitudes that they deserve to be taken care of by their spouses.

Pull your head out of your bitter butt and go actually read the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And another thing I did was up my exercise. And I don't mean going to the gym. I would put my computer on the bar height counter and march, dance, move to help relieve the stress. I'd march around the house. Make myself walk the dog even though I didn't want to. If I wasn't moving I would feel even more paralyzed by it.

I also remember seeing people and their life seeming fine and normal and this sensation of how can the world be going on when mine was falling apart. I understood that this was crazy.

I'm only saying any of this because maybe it will help to know that you aren't alone. It happens to more people than you realize. And now you're getting ideas for how to move forward in a slightly different direction than what hasn't been working.

GL. I am rooting for you!

Thank you I appreciate it. Its been hard as I do feel very very alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

So glad it worked out. Thanks for sharing.

It did. I was talking to a friend last week about how I was sure we were ruined. I'd get in the car and drive to run errands by myself and cry. And now his career is now better than ever. But I never showed him my worry. I was surprised that I could be that strong. But I did it for him and our kids. No question it's scary, OP. But if you can help him you will be proud of yourself that you could be so strong. I worry that you are saying he is ruining your lives. That is a lot of pressure and blame.

I was strong like that and supporive the first 6-8 months. But as more time has gone by and prospective jobs dont make offers, it has taken more and more of a toll. When I say that it's ruining our life, Im not just talking about me. This situation has ruined his life individually.

I know this is expensive, but what about a career coach in his industry. I know a couple of people who have done this when things weren't going well. Turned things around. It seems to be part therapy, part how best to deal with situations, part how to present better. But I know this is hard when you're already dipping into savings. I think the most helpful to both was the therapy part, delving into what was getting in their way in interviewing. Your DH clearly gets interviews. What is getting in the way of him getting the jobs?

You may have answered this, but can you step up your own career? (You're a teacher??)

Big hugs, OP. I know it is hard.

Thank you. Thanks to lots of helpful suggestions here, I have suggested to him to look a a career or interview coach. Im hoping he does. Yes, I have been spending all my free time (other than tonight) applying to higher paying jobs and supplemental work.

Applying to jobs is fine but you need to tap your network. Ask around/ talk to friends and family and let them know you are also looking for a new job/side gig/ whatever.

The last person I hired it was due to a network. Three people in my network flagged this person was interested in the role and I told them we were starting interviews so she needed to apply that day. She did, looked great, brought her in and she got the job. If the network hadn't told me/recommended her and I had not told them she needed to apply right away I might have missed her application because the process would have started or HR would have flagged her out, who knows.

Your husband could also substitute teach for the rest of the year and apply for roles after. Subs make pretty decent $ and he might be able to apply for roles on off periods/during the day.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Substitute teaching isn't a bad idea to get some money coming in.

Also, I've seen people consult on a fractional basis. Like, let me do this work you need done. They only have to commit for 30 days. If they don't like the work, you both move on. Basically, it's setting up a consulting situation that I've seen frequently turn into full time jobs.

But that goes back to needing to have contacts. It really works when someone needs something done but doesn't have the funds to hire a full-time person. And while doing that, continue to search for full-time.

Just a thought.