Spouse lost his job and its ruining our life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he start a business? I did that in my 30s and have never looked back.

DP. What kind of business? I would love to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Substitute teaching isn't a bad idea to get some money coming in.

Also, I've seen people consult on a fractional basis. Like, let me do this work you need done. They only have to commit for 30 days. If they don't like the work, you both move on. Basically, it's setting up a consulting situation that I've seen frequently turn into full time jobs.

But that goes back to needing to have contacts. It really works when someone needs something done but doesn't have the funds to hire a full-time person. And while doing that, continue to search for full-time.

Just a thought.

Yes he initially told me this is what he would do in the meantime but he has yet to land one of these gigs. He thought it would be easier than its been to do that, which has been another let down in this process because the idea of this type of thing was helping him(and me) stay hopeful.

[Anonymous]

You aren't alone. Talk to people. Talk to a close friend or family member.

A dear friend finally told me her DH was laid off in January. I had no idea! They still had the fancy cars and their kids signed up for all new activities and I asked how she was frequently. She said I was the first person outside the family who she told about the layoff. I came up with ideas, sent job postings, and connected her with my spouse who knows of openings and could make connections.

Another friend was also laid off and is a single mom and has all sorts of other family issues. I found her two great roles within the day and have connections at one. She said walking and talking with me really helped her.

Can you and your DH each meet a friend and walk and talk for an hour or two? Maybe DH does Saturday morning maybe you go Sunday morning?

[Anonymous]

Can you give us an idea of what he is looking at? People on here might have ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

I feel like I have daily breakdowns. I cry, feel sorry for our situation, then feel bad I’m not being supportive.
I want to talk to someone- hoping to make a connection for him. I’ve been prayerful and hopeful- all that I can do.
I work part time, then do some private tutoring in the evening.

Some days I can’t catch my breath.
I can only image how he’s feeling… he feels lost, depressed, like a loser… it’s so hard watching your spouse fail.

OP here- youve summed it up exactly. Many sleepless nights over here and then the daytime is so hard because Im mentally exhausted and tired from not sleeping. Although going to work and being busy there feels like a vacation away from the turmoil I feel when Im at home.

Yes- that’s exactly how it is. And then I have to come home… curious to know what he did or didn’t do… sleeping in, not motivated…

This sounds like a different situation. If my DH were unemployed and playing video games all day/not looking for another job/not even trying to bring in income in the interim by driving uber, bartending, etc. I’d leave him.

He definitely doesn’t play video games. He’s severely depressed. It’s hard to watch. He was our family’s provider. I was a stay at home mom. Now I have to go to work. He stays home- tinkering with our house falling apart…
I’m torn with having compassion and resentment and so many emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Substitute teaching isn't a bad idea to get some money coming in.

Also, I've seen people consult on a fractional basis. Like, let me do this work you need done. They only have to commit for 30 days. If they don't like the work, you both move on. Basically, it's setting up a consulting situation that I've seen frequently turn into full time jobs.

But that goes back to needing to have contacts. It really works when someone needs something done but doesn't have the funds to hire a full-time person. And while doing that, continue to search for full-time.

Just a thought.

Yes he initially told me this is what he would do in the meantime but he has yet to land one of these gigs. He thought it would be easier than its been to do that, which has been another let down in this process because the idea of this type of thing was helping him(and me) stay hopeful.

I wonder if he is charging too much? You hear about these crazy high numbers people say they are making to consult. Sure, if you're a top firm. But if you're a guy who is putting out his own shingle, then you really need to be cost effective, basically making a fraction of what a full time employee would cost them. A person who I know who did it barely made any money with the first job, and had to really work to convince the guy to do it. He also had to be very proactive on the avenue he would take. He got the contract and it lasted 6 months. Long enough to start filling the pipeline for new opportunities. A lot of work and very stressful, but it paid off.

also, he built a website. Very basic but it looked professional.

the hardest part was getting in front of people.

[Anonymous]

Is being a reseller on Amazon still a thing?

If he has any specific skills I know there are skill=specific clearing houses that you can pay a fee to get listed. Someone looking for that freelance skill surfs to see who looks interesting to hire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

I feel like I have daily breakdowns. I cry, feel sorry for our situation, then feel bad I’m not being supportive.
I want to talk to someone- hoping to make a connection for him. I’ve been prayerful and hopeful- all that I can do.
I work part time, then do some private tutoring in the evening.

Some days I can’t catch my breath.
I can only image how he’s feeling… he feels lost, depressed, like a loser… it’s so hard watching your spouse fail.

OP here- youve summed it up exactly. Many sleepless nights over here and then the daytime is so hard because Im mentally exhausted and tired from not sleeping. Although going to work and being busy there feels like a vacation away from the turmoil I feel when Im at home.

Yes- that’s exactly how it is. And then I have to come home… curious to know what he did or didn’t do… sleeping in, not motivated…

This sounds like a different situation. If my DH were unemployed and playing video games all day/not looking for another job/not even trying to bring in income in the interim by driving uber, bartending, etc. I’d leave him.

He definitely doesn’t play video games. He’s severely depressed. It’s hard to watch. He was our family’s provider. I was a stay at home mom. Now I have to go to work. He stays home- tinkering with our house falling apart…
I’m torn with having compassion and resentment and so many emotions.

OP here- when this whole thing started my husband was severely depressed too. He was getting nothing accomplished- just staring at the computer. At that point I was being strong and supportive and I encouraged him to take advantage of any down time getting stuff done around the house/yard etc so he would feel productive and active. That seemed to help him mentally for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

I feel like I have daily breakdowns. I cry, feel sorry for our situation, then feel bad I’m not being supportive.
I want to talk to someone- hoping to make a connection for him. I’ve been prayerful and hopeful- all that I can do.
I work part time, then do some private tutoring in the evening.

Some days I can’t catch my breath.
I can only image how he’s feeling… he feels lost, depressed, like a loser… it’s so hard watching your spouse fail.

OP here- youve summed it up exactly. Many sleepless nights over here and then the daytime is so hard because Im mentally exhausted and tired from not sleeping. Although going to work and being busy there feels like a vacation away from the turmoil I feel when Im at home.

Yes- that’s exactly how it is. And then I have to come home… curious to know what he did or didn’t do… sleeping in, not motivated…

This sounds like a different situation. If my DH were unemployed and playing video games all day/not looking for another job/not even trying to bring in income in the interim by driving uber, bartending, etc. I’d leave him.

He definitely doesn’t play video games. He’s severely depressed. It’s hard to watch. He was our family’s provider. I was a stay at home mom. Now I have to go to work. He stays home- tinkering with our house falling apart…
I’m torn with having compassion and resentment and so many emotions.

Maybe you both sit down and do a reset. Okay, clean slate. Let's walk and talk and plan and save money. Fresh start with new energy. Exercise, eat better, shower, get dressed. Baby steps to try to pull him out of being severely depressed.

[Anonymous]

Glad to see everyone so supportive. It feels like I can take lead the horse to water but can’t make it drink… my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Substitute teaching isn't a bad idea to get some money coming in.

Also, I've seen people consult on a fractional basis. Like, let me do this work you need done. They only have to commit for 30 days. If they don't like the work, you both move on. Basically, it's setting up a consulting situation that I've seen frequently turn into full time jobs.

But that goes back to needing to have contacts. It really works when someone needs something done but doesn't have the funds to hire a full-time person. And while doing that, continue to search for full-time.

Just a thought.

Yes he initially told me this is what he would do in the meantime but he has yet to land one of these gigs. He thought it would be easier than its been to do that, which has been another let down in this process because the idea of this type of thing was helping him(and me) stay hopeful.

I wonder if he is charging too much? You hear about these crazy high numbers people say they are making to consult. Sure, if you're a top firm. But if you're a guy who is putting out his own shingle, then you really need to be cost effective, basically making a fraction of what a full time employee would cost them. A person who I know who did it barely made any money with the first job, and had to really work to convince the guy to do it. He also had to be very proactive on the avenue he would take. He got the contract and it lasted 6 months. Long enough to start filling the pipeline for new opportunities. A lot of work and very stressful, but it paid off.

also, he built a website. Very basic but it looked professional.

the hardest part was getting in front of people.

I will share this with him. Thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but why are you putting all the onus on him? You had the lower paying job. Do you know what it’s like carrying the household on your shoulders?

You seem selfish and self-centered. OP, why don’t YOU get a restaurant job?!

OP. I hear you. We agreed together when I got my masters degree in education that it was ok for me to have the lower paying job based on the trajectory of his career. I also am trying to find a higher paying job, in addition to summer work. He did not need to leave his prior job, he chose to and it didnt work out and left us way worse off than we ever were.

Presumably it was a joint decision. You can't blame him when you and your children are part of the reason he took the job (you keep spending more and more money, you said it yourself). Also you have no idea if his old job would have remained stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but why are you putting all the onus on him? You had the lower paying job. Do you know what it’s like carrying the household on your shoulders?

You seem selfish and self-centered. OP, why don’t YOU get a restaurant job?!

OP. I hear you. We agreed together when I got my masters degree in education that it was ok for me to have the lower paying job based on the trajectory of his career. I also am trying to find a higher paying job, in addition to summer work. He did not need to leave his prior job, he chose to and it didnt work out and left us way worse off than we ever were.

Presumably it was a joint decision. You can't blame him when you and your children are part of the reason he took the job (you keep spending more and more money, you said it yourself). Also you have no idea if his old job would have remained stable.

His old job did remain stable. Everyone is still there. But in this thread weve moved on from ppl wanting to shame me for being in education, etc and weve moved on to kind ppl sharing their stories or productive suggestions. So no need for you to brung it back to where we moved on from. Just move along to the next thread. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but why are you putting all the onus on him? You had the lower paying job. Do you know what it’s like carrying the household on your shoulders?

You seem selfish and self-centered. OP, why don’t YOU get a restaurant job?!

OP. I hear you. We agreed together when I got my masters degree in education that it was ok for me to have the lower paying job based on the trajectory of his career. I also am trying to find a higher paying job, in addition to summer work. He did not need to leave his prior job, he chose to and it didnt work out and left us way worse off than we ever were.

Presumably it was a joint decision. You can't blame him when you and your children are part of the reason he took the job (you keep spending more and more money, you said it yourself). Also you have no idea if his old job would have remained stable.

His old job did remain stable. Everyone is still there. But in this thread weve moved on from ppl wanting to shame me for being in education, etc and weve moved on to kind ppl sharing their stories or productive suggestions. So no need for you to brung it back to where we moved on from. Just move along to the next thread. Thanks.

FFS OP. Have some perspective. Sure, his old job was stable but it easily could have gone another way, maybe there was an exec who took a dislike to him, who knows. Stop beating that hobby horse. You placed him in the role of breadwinner, and had escalating expenses and he took the job seriously and try to provide. It didn’t pan out, but it’s not like he as gambling at the track. I just can’t even with you.

You will be fine, you are some UMC folks who have been working for 20 years; you must have some assets and resources. Maybe you can’t live in Bethesda or Rockville, but you will be fine. My dad was a depressed alcoholic and only worked 3 years in his life (enough time to marry my mom and have me, then fell down a bottle forever). Mom was a teacher, and yeah we lived in a small rural town, but we had a house, went to passable schools and went off to college. Maybe that isn’t good enough for you, but your family will be fine.

[Anonymous]

What are your husband's main skills and what kind of work environment does he naturally desire?