Spouse lost his job and its ruining our life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello, I come here looking for some hope. My spouse had a really great career going at one place for 15 years. Life got expensive as our kids began getting older, etc and I work in education (low paid). So, my husband traded in his long time career for a job that would pay more, thinking he was climbing the ladder. Soon after, that company got bought out and he was laid off. He has been unemployed for about a year. He had severance for part of it. We have been on unemployment and living off all the savings we have. He has had tons and tons of interviews with no results. I have been in a state of fight or flight this entire time. It has completely ruined our marriage and my mental health- the instability, lack of control and no end in sight.When I think about the poor choice (of leaving his other job for something so unstable) that got us here, it makes me sick and feel so sad for him. Its been a huge loss in so many ways. We are in our mid 40s, for reference. Has anyone been in this position and things worked out? Weve never had a situation like this with unemployment and I feel hopeless.

The bolded stood out to me. This specifically did not happen to me, but something similar where DH took an uninformed risk that cost us $$$. I resented his carelessness and lack of due diligence, but tried to
Hide it. But I know he was extremely embarrassed and was disappointed in himself. As a 50yo mom, I have had my share of anxiety and depression. I have been in therapy, have coping skills, and take SSRI. He had serious regrets, sleepless nights, and racing thoughts. Being this low was all so new for him, that I feared for his mental Well being. I was sad for my DH too.

Thank you for sharing. Yes lots of people here are calling me selfish and not noticing that part where I actually feel heartbroken for him because I know how much he loved his career and I was proud of all he did to obtain it and get where he was, as was he. Its so sad and feels like a nightmare we cant wake up from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, I come here looking for some hope. My spouse had a really great career going at one place for 15 years. Life got expensive as our kids began getting older, etc and I work in education (low paid). So, my husband traded in his long time career for a job that would pay more, thinking he was climbing the ladder. Soon after, that company got bought out and he was laid off. He has been unemployed for about a year. He had severance for part of it. We have been on unemployment and living off all the savings we have. He has had tons and tons of interviews with no results. I have been in a state of fight or flight this entire time. It has completely ruined our marriage and my mental health- the instability, lack of control and no end in sight.When I think about the poor choice (of leaving his other job for something so unstable) that got us here, it makes me sick and feel so sad for him. Its been a huge loss in so many ways. We are in our mid 40s, for reference. Has anyone been in this position and things worked out? Weve never had a situation like this with unemployment and I feel hopeless.

Has he spoken to his prior boss at old company? Any openings there he can apply for?

Did you budget and cut all spending when he was laid off? No Netflix. No eating out. No kids activities. Get the cheapest phone plan. Basically only spend $ on basics. No new clothes for the kids. No new shoes. If they outgrow go to a second hand shop. If you own 2 cars sell a car if you need. Dog walk. Tutor. Whatever you can do to save money and budget.

You don't say what you do in education, but can you move up? Principal? Head of School? Special Ed? Something where you'll make more money. If not can you tutor, work in summer, etc, to make more money? Many people want tutors for their kids and especially tutors in the summer.

It is hard out there as many people are unemployed. People I know have been looking for 12 months. After the last recession I was out of my career for a long time and had to take whatever I could get and then switched industries. I moved and had to live with family and did what I had to do. Maybe you'll have to do that.

Any family or friends you can ask for help or a loan? Have you talked to friends so they know your husband was laid off and is looking? People want to help how they can, even if that means free babysitting while you take a second job, give you a meal so you don't have to make one, or try and use their network for your husband.

Where did your DH attend university or grad school? Connect with career services or attend an alumni networking event. Maybe he can look into interview prep. If you can't pay for a coach, ask friends if they will help. Any friends in roles similar or HR if they would mock interview with your DH and give pointers.

If you own a house can you look into renting or selling it?

I don't mean to dig in, but everyone should have 9-12 months (maybe more now) in an emergency fund, so that if you are out of work for that period you are not going into your savings.

Good luck, OP. Can you give an idea of industry and if you're in the DMV? We can help with ideas this is an anonymous forum!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things will work out because they have to. You have to figure out how to spend less so you can live on what you make. If/When that changes you can readjust.

But for all of your sake you’ve got to own your part. Was it his unilateral decision to spend so much that your family needed him to have a higher paying job? Did he alone decide to change jobs? Is he not working hard enough to find a job? Likely the answer to some or all of this is no which means that you both are responsible for your current circumstances and you can’t be angry at him.

And you can’t just look to him for the solution. Maybe you need a higher paying job until he finds something. Maybe he needs to train for something new. Maybe you all need to move.

Good luck. I know how devastating this is and I wish you and your family well. And I hope you don’t let this tear your family apart.

Thank you.
I actually did not want him to change jobs and asked him not to. Though he was very settled in his career, he was getting antsy I guess with the lack of upward mobility that he had at the time, given how expenses were getting higher. If you have kids, you know that as they start participating in activities and sports and eating more food, etc, life just gets pricier.

PP here. I do know - I have kids and whenever people with little kids get so excited about all of the money they will have after they pay their last daycare bill, I think to myself that they have no idea what’s coming.

We had our financial and job issues before kids. But a few mo the ago I took a lower paying job because I got an offer when my then job was vulnerable due to budget cuts. We both have jobs but have to cut expenses.

Again, wishing you well. And don’t let this destroy you. You need each other now to get through this.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, we have been there! DH was out of work for about six months and then just took a job for $17/hr while he rebuilt his career. It took about 3-4 years for him to start making the same amount of money.

We cut every expense to the bone and got through it. I agree with the PP who said there is no guarantee his prior job would have been secure. You just don't know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, we have been there! DH was out of work for about six months and then just took a job for $17/hr while he rebuilt his career. It took about 3-4 years for him to start making the same amount of money.

We cut every expense to the bone and got through it. I agree with the PP who said there is no guarantee his prior job would have been secure. You just don't know that.

Glad to hear things are better for you guys now. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, be very open to moving to wherever you need to. Wherever one of you can find the best employment. Living where you want or in your case staying-put is a luxury most people do not get. Your family can build a happy life most anywhere.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are going through this! Any chance you could dog-sit on rover? I have friends who bring in a few thousand each month by doing this as a side hustle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

+1. I'm a fed facing a probable RIF and my spouse makes half my salary in education. If I lose my job, I have made it clear that I can't be the only one searching; with STEM grad degrees, spouse should be able to make more if necessary.

If both spouses work, you can't insist only one is responsible for actually paying the bills. OP, if your husband's unemployment is actually ruining your life, try to fix what you can control - your own career.

Once again, I have been applying to higher paying jobs and searching for supplemental work as well. I was up until 3 am the other night crafting cover letters. I promise you Im not just sitting around (after work and putting my kids to bed). Best of luck to you.

Why don't you tutor? Write your information and put it up in a local coffee shop or in your district's PTO board or something? Can your DH go on Rover and dog walk? Doesn't take much time and he can get a break in between applying for roles.

In education you can probably move anywhere. Your DH should be applying all over. Random cities/areas and if he can get a good job in a new place then move and apply for roles there. People always need teachers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry you are going through this! Any chance you could dog-sit on rover? I have friends who bring in a few thousand each month by doing this as a side hustle.

OP here- thank you for this suggestion. I actually did that for one family over spring break and you are right, I should look into it for more jobs rather than just the one off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

Whaaat this is not acceptable unless he is severely depressed and comatose. He needs to take on the bulk of this work

[Anonymous]

OP, once your DH finds another job, you need to start looking for one yourself. A job in education is not going to pay the bills, but you had to find out the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. If he is getting ‘tons of tons and interviews’, there clearly is something in his resume that’s working (good!) but maybe something is going on in the interview. Has he gotten any feedback? Or worked with an interview coach?

I have been wondering the same. An interview coach is a good idea. I will look into this. Thank you pp.[/quote

I would suggest putting his resume in with employment agencies. They may have opporunities at companies or agencies in his field. A lot of agencies have temp to hre opportunities that allow companies to try people out before they hire. It also gives you something to fill in the gap and show that you are hustling for a job.

[Anonymous]

I heard one can make decent money being an instacart shopper. Much better than the $17/hr job and have flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, once your DH finds another job, you need to start looking for one yourself. A job in education is not going to pay the bills, but you had to find out the hard way.

👍

[Anonymous]

Mid 40s is young for a corporate man. He will be fine. Be open about relocation. And remember: he is more than just his job!