Spouse lost his job and its ruining our life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things will work out because they have to. You have to figure out how to spend less so you can live on what you make. If/When that changes you can readjust.

But for all of your sake you’ve got to own your part. Was it his unilateral decision to spend so much that your family needed him to have a higher paying job? Did he alone decide to change jobs? Is he not working hard enough to find a job? Likely the answer to some or all of this is no which means that you both are responsible for your current circumstances and you can’t be angry at him.

And you can’t just look to him for the solution. Maybe you need a higher paying job until he finds something. Maybe he needs to train for something new. Maybe you all need to move.

Good luck. I know how devastating this is and I wish you and your family well. And I hope you don’t let this tear your family apart.

Thank you.
I actually did not want him to change jobs and asked him not to. Though he was very settled in his career, he was getting antsy I guess with the lack of upward mobility that he had at the time, given how expenses were getting higher. If you have kids, you know that as they start participating in activities and sports and eating more food, etc, life just gets pricier.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this myself, except for slightly different details (we are a decade younger and I gave up my career due to special needs twins). My husband does something in an extremely narrow niche which has made it a nightmare finding something else. He’s been told if he works anywhere else in the meantime it will make it impossible to go back to the previous highly paid track, so he’s still trying to get back into that industry. It’s been awful. He gets great feedback on interviews and even had one that said they were going to hire him only to go with another candidate who became available at the 11th hour. But it’s been almost a year now..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

Well the purpose of my post was seeking out people who have been in this situation who could share their story. That doesnt seem to be you np. If you read my prior comment, my dh not only supported my decision to work in education but encouraged it because he probably never envisioned that this would happen to him.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting how when husbands are struggling, their wives get resentful instead of supportive. If the shoe were on the other foot, the men would be supportive (and are expected to be).

This is the norm. Very sad state of affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

+1. I'm a fed facing a probable RIF and my spouse makes half my salary in education. If I lose my job, I have made it clear that I can't be the only one searching; with STEM grad degrees, spouse should be able to make more if necessary.

If both spouses work, you can't insist only one is responsible for actually paying the bills. OP, if your husband's unemployment is actually ruining your life, try to fix what you can control - your own career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

You can tutor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this myself, except for slightly different details (we are a decade younger and I gave up my career due to special needs twins). My husband does something in an extremely narrow niche which has made it a nightmare finding something else. He’s been told if he works anywhere else in the meantime it will make it impossible to go back to the previous highly paid track, so he’s still trying to get back into that industry. It’s been awful. He gets great feedback on interviews and even had one that said they were going to hire him only to go with another candidate who became available at the 11th hour. But it’s been almost a year now..

OP here- thanks for sharing. I hope your husband finds something. I know you share in how frustrating it is when they are devoting all their time to the job search and interviews only for it to result in nothing. You are doing important work with your special needs twins, despite not getting paid for it. I work in education so know all about what it takes. I wish the best for you.

[Anonymous]

No, haven't been in your situation. I made $2000 a month on average my entire working career. I was the low earning partner at times.
I saved our family ca $300k by staying at home day time and working the low wage job at night. I invested 30% of my take home and retired in mid 40s.
Your DH got severance, unemployment, and you had savings. All of this money could have been used to invest while working $30 an hour restaurant job. Market has been so good to those who have been in it and continue to be in it.
Both of you have been bad with money.
He can work in education with you. UDC will train him in a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

+1. I'm a fed facing a probable RIF and my spouse makes half my salary in education. If I lose my job, I have made it clear that I can't be the only one searching; with STEM grad degrees, spouse should be able to make more if necessary.

If both spouses work, you can't insist only one is responsible for actually paying the bills. OP, if your husband's unemployment is actually ruining your life, try to fix what you can control - your own career.

Once again, I have been applying to higher paying jobs and searching for supplemental work as well. I was up until 3 am the other night crafting cover letters. I promise you Im not just sitting around (after work and putting my kids to bed). Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

+1. I'm a fed facing a probable RIF and my spouse makes half my salary in education. If I lose my job, I have made it clear that I can't be the only one searching; with STEM grad degrees, spouse should be able to make more if necessary.

If both spouses work, you can't insist only one is responsible for actually paying the bills. OP, if your husband's unemployment is actually ruining your life, try to fix what you can control - your own career.

Once again, I have been applying to higher paying jobs and searching for supplemental work as well. I was up until 3 am the other night crafting cover letters. I promise you Im not just sitting around (after work and putting my kids to bed). Best of luck to you.

Good luck to you too. It's tough out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, haven't been in your situation. I made $2000 a month on average my entire working career. I was the low earning partner at times.
I saved our family ca $300k by staying at home day time and working the low wage job at night. I invested 30% of my take home and retired in mid 40s.
Your DH got severance, unemployment, and you had savings. All of this money could have been used to invest while working $30 an hour restaurant job. Market has been so good to those who have been in it and continue to be in it.
Both of you have been bad with money.
He can work in education with you. UDC will train him in a year.

Good for you! You must be very proud

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

Well the purpose of my post was seeking out people who have been in this situation who could share their story. That doesnt seem to be you np. If you read my prior comment, my dh not only supported my decision to work in education but encouraged it because he probably never envisioned that this would happen to him.

Well, things have changed. It is your turn to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, I come here looking for some hope. My spouse had a really great career going at one place for 15 years. Life got expensive as our kids began getting older, etc and I work in education (low paid). So, my husband traded in his long time career for a job that would pay more, thinking he was climbing the ladder. Soon after, that company got bought out and he was laid off. He has been unemployed for about a year. He had severance for part of it. We have been on unemployment and living off all the savings we have. He has had tons and tons of interviews with no results. I have been in a state of fight or flight this entire time. It has completely ruined our marriage and my mental health- the instability, lack of control and no end in sight.When I think about the poor choice (of leaving his other job for something so unstable) that got us here, it makes me sick and feel so sad for him. Its been a huge loss in so many ways. We are in our mid 40s, for reference. Has anyone been in this position and things worked out? Weve never had a situation like this with unemployment and I feel hopeless.

The bolded stood out to me. This specifically did not happen to me, but something similar where DH took an uninformed risk that cost us $$$. I resented his carelessness and lack of due diligence, but tried to
Hide it. But I know he was extremely embarrassed and was disappointed in himself. As a 50yo mom, I have had my share of anxiety and depression. I have been in therapy, have coping skills, and take SSRI. He had serious regrets, sleepless nights, and racing thoughts. Being this low was all so new for him, that I feared for his mental Well being. I was sad for my DH too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

Thank you to those of you who read my OP looking for people in my situation, and not critics. PP, Im with you. Its been so challenging going to work every day, parenting and doing all the things with the distressed mental state Ive been in from these circumstances. I hope things get better for you asap.