Help me learn what to think during major tantrums

[Anonymous]

Are you in therapy yourself? I would start there.

Even if she doesn't actually have anxiety, autism, or ADHD, I think you might find those strategies helpful. I'm not saying your evaluation was incorrect, but tbh, just above the diagnosable line and just under the diagnosable line are not that different in terms of how you handle them. OT was also really helpful for this kind of issue for us.

[Anonymous]

Put on your own oxygen mask first with your own interventions, OP.

Right now you model emotional dysregulation, frustration, yelling and hitting. She copies. You can only control you. Start there. Address own possible neurodivergence, trauma from abuse (repeating that cycle is not good for kids or you), emotions and overwhelm.

A psychiatrist eval or mini neuropsych for you can help tease out drivers and point a path forward for managing yourself. Then, once you are well regulated and not re-enacting abuse (DD being like your mom you had to appease, etc) you can effectively manage DD.

Sign up for the Shapiro class with DH, too.

[Anonymous]

Think of her as caught in an ocean wave.
You are also caught in the wave, but you’re the adult.

You can think of it as a wave that hit her that will subside and you’re just with her getting through it. You can’t rescue her from the wave, she’s in it. It will be a few minutes. You can’t leave the wave. *What you can do is sit with her through the wave and make sure she knows she’s not alone.* You also don’t berate for being caught in it. (I’ve been there)

Other tips.
-write down the start and end time. What if it’s only 5 minutes? 10 minutes? You can endure. My child’s was 30 minutes almost every time. Knowing this helped me.
-I notice with my now older child that .. if he’s safe, I sometimes just need to walk away. This goes against what I said. But you’ll use judgement. If you can’t handle it.. walk around the corner or into an adjacent room. In addition, since he is 10 now, I see that his tantrums want an audience.
-on the audience note: I came across the is randomly. He was so crazy and so triggering, I said “I have to leave the house. I told my other kids to close themselves up in a room and I said I’ll be back in just a couple of minutes. But I have to walk outside for a little. 3 minutes later I came back, and his tantrum was done. The ones that last 30 minutes. 3! So occasionally, again, he’s older, I just say I’m going on a walk up 3 houses and back down home. He stops. (If anyone labels this as irresponsible, know that it’s worse if I stay and scream or abuse. It’s worse if he lives in a tantrum longer than he has to. I’m close by and kids know where to find me. I take my phone with me too.)

We have learned so much. It started when he was 4. We could no longer learn how to handle on our own at 9. A year of play therapy has taught him and us. He tantrums less often and not quite as long. I don’t have more tips, bc I think they deal with older kids who can rationalize better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a highly emotional, deeply-feeling mom with a highly emotional, deeply-feeling 5-year-old.

She has intense tantrums more often than most kids. She still hits me and older sibling when upset (not all the time, but several times a week). Parenting her can be hard because I have to be "on" so much - watching for when she starts getting escalated, quickly de-escalating the emotional climate to avoid a tantrum, teaching and reinforcing emotional regulation skills (while also working really hard to keep myself calm). And also coaching older sibling and playing interference when she sets the little one off with teasing or whatever.

DD doesn't have any diagnoses and does well at school, on playdates, and with grandparents, so I don't think there's anything to fix - this is just the kid I got, which is not shocking given that my mom and I are both the same way.

I have read a ton, I've been to therapy, but I still struggle when my husband or I are not able to prevent the tantrum and she does hit or scream. My inner voice immediately says "You (or your husband or your kid or your whole family) is bad, messed up, a failure. No matter how hard you try, your kid is hitting and screaming regularly. Normal kids her age do not do this. This is hopeless."

I am wondering what a healthy alternative script would be given that I can't change the reality: the major tantrum is happening, most kids have grown out of this by age 5 but mine hasn't, and my dream of having a happy, calm, positive family is not possible. So what do I tell myself in these situations?

OP, I have been there and I feel for you. It has gotten better for us (age 8) but we still are likely to have this kid evaluated soon. My husband is like you, and it is extremely hard for him to deal with the tantrums so I handle nearly 100% of them. So one thing is if your husband can handle it better than you, that could be an option. I tell him things like "you're better at finances, I'm better at this" because it's true - we're all better at different things.

The other thing is I find parenting experts that have experience with PDA to have more helpful with specific tips on this than ones with neurotypical kids. For instance, this "this is a panic attack; I'm doing the best I can" frame helps me when my kid is losing it, generally "I feel bad this kid is in this situation" helps me to be more calm. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DI_drFvRmQ3/utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

I think the biggest thing is there is no way around it in the moment that it is horrible, and just that after, you're allowed to say "well that sucked" and try to move onto something calming for you. Finally, the older I get the more I realize that every single family has its challenges and they all present in different ways. Your family is the one you've got and you're doing your best. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I would recommend the Whole Brain Child book, OP. Here is a brief summary and review:

https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1277&context=jsbhs#:~:text=Siegel%20and%20Payne%20Bryson%20have%20combined%20their%20extensive%20scientific%20knowledge,caregivers%20and%20teachers%20of%20children.

[Anonymous]

I used to tell myself -- learning to regulate is an important part of maturing (we used a goofy thing where I would hold up my finger and tell my daughter to 'blow out the candle' which would force her to breather).... but also would really really remind myself that caving or giving in to bad behavior only teaches your child that it "works."

so once she was old enough to understand I would literally just tell her "I said no, and you know _____ (whining, crying, sulking) has no chance of changing my mind"

[Anonymous]

My younger kid is a lot like yours (and yes, he has had a developmental pediatrics evaluation that was normal). I have found that staying very calm but firm during tantrums works best. I speak in a low voice, hold him firmly if necessary to prevent him from injuring himself or someone else, and never give in to what triggered the tantrum. My husband is like you in that he gets really emotional and screams at him when he tantrums, which inevitably escalates things. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t really see how he is making things worse (in fact, he tells me I’m being too soft on him). Luckily I’m the one who is around for most of the tantrums and they are getting better over time.

You are definitely not the only one with a 5 year old who still tantrums and hits when upset. Most of my friends have no idea that mine is like this because it only occurs at home, never around anyone other than immediate family. So unless your kid is like this, you have no idea how common it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a highly emotional, deeply-feeling mom with a highly emotional, deeply-feeling 5-year-old.

She has intense tantrums more often than most kids. She still hits me and older sibling when upset (not all the time, but several times a week). Parenting her can be hard because I have to be "on" so much - watching for when she starts getting escalated, quickly de-escalating the emotional climate to avoid a tantrum, teaching and reinforcing emotional regulation skills (while also working really hard to keep myself calm). And also coaching older sibling and playing interference when she sets the little one off with teasing or whatever.

DD doesn't have any diagnoses and does well at school, on playdates, and with grandparents, so I don't think there's anything to fix - this is just the kid I got, which is not shocking given that my mom and I are both the same way.

I have read a ton, I've been to therapy, but I still struggle when my husband or I are not able to prevent the tantrum and she does hit or scream. My inner voice immediately says "You (or your husband or your kid or your whole family) is bad, messed up, a failure. No matter how hard you try, your kid is hitting and screaming regularly. Normal kids her age do not do this. This is hopeless."

I am wondering what a healthy alternative script would be given that I can't change the reality: the major tantrum is happening, most kids have grown out of this by age 5 but mine hasn't, and my dream of having a happy, calm, positive family is not possible. So what do I tell myself in these situations?

Everyone leave him alone and he can tantrum without an audience and he will shut up.

[Anonymous]

I used to say to myself “I will help you” when dealing with a tantrum. It kept me focused on my child instead of myself. “I will help you” could mean calmly enforcing a consequence for an action, removing them from an unsafe situation, preventing them from destroying something, not giving attention for certain behaviors, or picking them up and cuddling them. I only ever had to deal with average kid tantrums and my kids never hit, so my experiences might not apply.

[Anonymous]

I’m late to this thread but you have my sympathy, OP. I am going to be real with you and advise you that some times you have to do the less bad thing. For me, when tantrums got to a certain level including hitting or throwing things it was taking my other child and locking us in another room. My child was simply not able to hear or respond to anything I had to offer at that time and it was SO hard for me to not yell back or so something else that escalated things. I would sit and coregulate with crying or a regular loud voice but not hitting or screaming.

I viewed these terrible times as surviving a storm and then rebuilding afterwards. It really wasn’t until they were calm that we could break down what was wrong, how the reaction affected others and how to make amends. Luckily my child was usually very remorseful later and would be open to talking after they had calmed down.

We did do parent training, which was helpful for a lot of things but didn’t really address the terrible tantrums super specific lit, although I think the approach I took generally aligned with what we learned.

That same child is now in late elementary and hasn’t had a tantrum or hit in years, thank god. 5 can be a really tough age, harder than toddlers in my experience.

[Anonymous]

“Crying babies go to bed”. If a kid fusses, they get sent to bed, no supper. Then you have the night off.