Help me learn what to think during major tantrums

[Anonymous]

I am a highly emotional, deeply-feeling mom with a highly emotional, deeply-feeling 5-year-old.

She has intense tantrums more often than most kids. She still hits me and older sibling when upset (not all the time, but several times a week). Parenting her can be hard because I have to be "on" so much - watching for when she starts getting escalated, quickly de-escalating the emotional climate to avoid a tantrum, teaching and reinforcing emotional regulation skills (while also working really hard to keep myself calm). And also coaching older sibling and playing interference when she sets the little one off with teasing or whatever.

DD doesn't have any diagnoses and does well at school, on playdates, and with grandparents, so I don't think there's anything to fix - this is just the kid I got, which is not shocking given that my mom and I are both the same way.

I have read a ton, I've been to therapy, but I still struggle when my husband or I are not able to prevent the tantrum and she does hit or scream. My inner voice immediately says "You (or your husband or your kid or your whole family) is bad, messed up, a failure. No matter how hard you try, your kid is hitting and screaming regularly. Normal kids her age do not do this. This is hopeless."

I am wondering what a healthy alternative script would be given that I can't change the reality: the major tantrum is happening, most kids have grown out of this by age 5 but mine hasn't, and my dream of having a happy, calm, positive family is not possible. So what do I tell myself in these situations?

[Anonymous]

“The idea that if you parent just right that children will be easy is a myth, and I am not the cause of my child’s challenges.”

[Anonymous]

Dr. Becky talks a lot about the deeply feeling kids. You need to catch her BEFORE she hits and remove her. It's not fair to her sibling to get hit all the time.

Also, remember to keep her from getting too tired, too hungry/thirsty - those will help with regulation of moods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a highly emotional, deeply-feeling mom with a highly emotional, deeply-feeling 5-year-old.

She has intense tantrums more often than most kids. She still hits me and older sibling when upset (not all the time, but several times a week). Parenting her can be hard because I have to be "on" so much - watching for when she starts getting escalated, quickly de-escalating the emotional climate to avoid a tantrum, teaching and reinforcing emotional regulation skills (while also working really hard to keep myself calm). And also coaching older sibling and playing interference when she sets the little one off with teasing or whatever.

DD doesn't have any diagnoses and does well at school, on playdates, and with grandparents, so I don't think there's anything to fix - this is just the kid I got, which is not shocking given that my mom and I are both the same way.

I have read a ton, I've been to therapy, but I still struggle when my husband or I are not able to prevent the tantrum and she does hit or scream. My inner voice immediately says "You (or your husband or your kid or your whole family) is bad, messed up, a failure. No matter how hard you try, your kid is hitting and screaming regularly. Normal kids her age do not do this. This is hopeless."

I am wondering what a healthy alternative script would be given that I can't change the reality: the major tantrum is happening, most kids have grown out of this by age 5 but mine hasn't, and my dream of having a happy, calm, positive family is not possible. So what do I tell myself in these situations?

It sounds like she's able to hold it together temporarily in other settings but that doesn't mean she wouldn't get a diagnosis.

Suggest you read the book The Explosive Child.

[Anonymous]

At 5 she can have a conversation way after this happens and you can start talking through strategies to deal with it next time.

[Anonymous]

What’s your immediate reaction to her hitting or screaming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a highly emotional, deeply-feeling mom with a highly emotional, deeply-feeling 5-year-old.

She has intense tantrums more often than most kids. She still hits me and older sibling when upset (not all the time, but several times a week). Parenting her can be hard because I have to be "on" so much - watching for when she starts getting escalated, quickly de-escalating the emotional climate to avoid a tantrum, teaching and reinforcing emotional regulation skills (while also working really hard to keep myself calm). And also coaching older sibling and playing interference when she sets the little one off with teasing or whatever.

DD doesn't have any diagnoses and does well at school, on playdates, and with grandparents, so I don't think there's anything to fix - this is just the kid I got, which is not shocking given that my mom and I are both the same way.

I have read a ton, I've been to therapy, but I still struggle when my husband or I are not able to prevent the tantrum and she does hit or scream. My inner voice immediately says "You (or your husband or your kid or your whole family) is bad, messed up, a failure. No matter how hard you try, your kid is hitting and screaming regularly. Normal kids her age do not do this. This is hopeless."

I am wondering what a healthy alternative script would be given that I can't change the reality: the major tantrum is happening, most kids have grown out of this by age 5 but mine hasn't, and my dream of having a happy, calm, positive family is not possible. So what do I tell myself in these situations?

It sounds like she's able to hold it together temporarily in other settings but that doesn't mean she wouldn't get a diagnosis.

Suggest you read the book The Explosive Child.

OP here. I've read this book. It did make me feel better because at least she's nothing like that But I do use some of the techniques there. I have consulted a therapist and her pediatrician too.

[Anonymous]

She needs a consequence for hitting. Every single time. The same consequence and consistency.
I understand she gets emotional and disregulated, but when she’s calm you need to tell her this is what’s going to happen if she hits someone going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dr. Becky talks a lot about the deeply feeling kids. You need to catch her BEFORE she hits and remove her. It's not fair to her sibling to get hit all the time.

Also, remember to keep her from getting too tired, too hungry/thirsty - those will help with regulation of moods.

OP here. Yes, we read Dr Becky. Of course the #1 goal is prevention, but sometimes I fail. And this is exactly the rabbit hole I go down -- "I'm trying so hard to do it right, to prevent it, to keep a schedule, avoid her being hungry/thirsty/tired, while also working FT and getting dinner on the table and trying to parent my other kid and taking care of my health. And I am still failing."

So when I fail, I tend to start falling apart myself and screaming or a couple times being too physical with her (when I'm holding her or separating her physically) because in my head, I'm catastrophizing. So I just was hoping someone could help tell me what good parents think when in the midst of these situations so I do not feel like an absolute failure (and don't feel like there's something wrong with my kid). I literally have not seen any healthy examples of parenting a difficult kid and want to learn from others.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the recommendation of the Explosive Child. I read it selectively during this phase and it helped me a lot.

A specific script I would recommend is that when a big tantrum is happening and you feel those negative, shameful thoughts rising up, to see if you can train yourself to go in an adjacent room for a minute and just count backwards from 10. Or take a few deep breaths. Or punch a pillow. Whatever it takes to give you a little space to process.

THEN go back to your DD and see if you can approach her more calmly. It sounds like you know that your mental response of "you're a bad kid and I'm a bad mom" is both false and unproductive. But it's an emotional response that has likely been drilled into you since YOU were a 5 year old struggling with big feelings. If you can just give yourself a little bit of space to recognize "ok, that's not useful here" I bet you can access some additional patience and tolerance to just stay calm through the tantrum and help her co-regulate.

Also, something that helps both my DH and I a lot (and that I gleaned from the Explosive Child) is to learn to recognize what responses have an escalating effect on a meltdown. In our cases, responding with anger and blame always makes the meltdown worse, because then our kid felt the shame we are feeling and she hates that feeling and her emotional response gets even larger. So whatever you can do bring the temperature down is better. Like you can even say almost the exact same thing, but if you say it calmly and in a compassionate voice, it will work better. Think the difference between:

1) Yelling or raising your voice to say "you can't hit me! stop hitting me! this is not acceptable!"

versus

2) In a calm voice "I can see you are upset but I cannot let you hit me. If you can't stop hitting, I will need to leave the room for a moment until you can stop."

It's the same message, but the first one is going to make your kid's brain go nuts, and the second offers a path to resolution for both of you. The calmer version doesn't accept the bad behavior any more than the angry version. And the calmer version is more productive. You will get there.

[Anonymous]

There might be a diagnosis in your future. Either way, take Dan Shapiro's 10 week parenting class. In person, if possible. Go with your DH. Learn when to give empathy in the moment, and when to use "planned ignoring."

Learn to save your own emotions (hopelessness, etc) for later, because you need your emotions under control so you can think straight to respond the best way possible. Your goal should be to avoid inadvertently reinforcing bad behavior while you're busy being supportive and loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s your immediate reaction to her hitting or screaming?

I try for all the stuff that the books say -- emotional validation and setting clear boundaries.
Stay calm myself, hold her, talk through it, help her calm down.

The problem is that sometimes my own thoughts about me (or her) being messed up, broken, or a failure make this impossible and then I'll scream myself or say something mean like "You are such a terrible kid". Which is why I posted asking what good parents with difficult kids tell themselves in their heads to avoid losing their cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr. Becky talks a lot about the deeply feeling kids. You need to catch her BEFORE she hits and remove her. It's not fair to her sibling to get hit all the time.

Also, remember to keep her from getting too tired, too hungry/thirsty - those will help with regulation of moods.

OP here. Yes, we read Dr Becky. Of course the #1 goal is prevention, but sometimes I fail. And this is exactly the rabbit hole I go down -- "I'm trying so hard to do it right, to prevent it, to keep a schedule, avoid her being hungry/thirsty/tired, while also working FT and getting dinner on the table and trying to parent my other kid and taking care of my health. And I am still failing."

So when I fail, I tend to start falling apart myself and screaming or a couple times being too physical with her (when I'm holding her or separating her physically) because in my head, I'm catastrophizing. So I just was hoping someone could help tell me what good parents think when in the midst of these situations so I do not feel like an absolute failure (and don't feel like there's something wrong with my kid). I literally have not seen any healthy examples of parenting a difficult kid and want to learn from others.

OP you need to ask this question in the Special Needs Forum. Those are your people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your immediate reaction to her hitting or screaming?

I try for all the stuff that the books say -- emotional validation and setting clear boundaries.
Stay calm myself, hold her, talk through it, help her calm down.

The problem is that sometimes my own thoughts about me (or her) being messed up, broken, or a failure make this impossible and then I'll scream myself or say something mean like "You are such a terrible kid". Which is why I posted asking what good parents with difficult kids tell themselves in their heads to avoid losing their cool.

OP this is 11:58. You're having these thoughts because you don't have enough tools and skills to do the bolded. Get the tools and skills, and your emotions won't overcome you.

[Anonymous]

I humbly suggest that hyperactive ADHD runs in the family, OP.

We have inattention ADHD in the family. We're the opposite. Calm, quiet, patient (and prone to massive daydreaming). I can count the fingers of one hand the number of times my 2 kids combined have had tantrums in their lives - and they're 20 and 15 now.

It can be hard for parents who have the same profile to recognize it as atypical, or needing special interventions, school accommodations, medication, or therapy. So read the Explosive Child, implement the suggestions (you're doing some of them already, which is great). You'll need to be vigilant in elementary and middle school, in case she starts to struggle in school, or struggle making friends.