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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a highly emotional, deeply-feeling mom with a highly emotional, deeply-feeling 5-year-old.
 
She has intense tantrums more often than most kids. She still hits me and older sibling when upset (not all the time, but several times a week). Parenting her can be hard because I have to be "on" so much - watching for when she starts getting escalated, quickly de-escalating the emotional climate to avoid a tantrum, teaching and reinforcing emotional regulation skills (while also working really hard to keep myself calm). And also coaching older sibling and playing interference when she sets the little one off with teasing or whatever.

DD doesn't have any diagnoses and does well at school, on playdates, and with grandparents, so I don't think there's anything to fix - this is just the kid I got, which is not shocking given that my mom and I are both the same way.

I have read a ton, I've been to therapy, but I still struggle when my husband or I are not able to prevent the tantrum and she does hit or scream. My inner voice immediately says "You (or your husband or your kid or your whole family) is bad, messed up, a failure. No matter how hard you try, your kid is hitting and screaming regularly. Normal kids her age do not do this. This is hopeless."

I am wondering what a healthy alternative script would be given that I can't change the reality: the major tantrum is happening, most kids have grown out of this by age 5 but mine hasn't, and my dream of having a happy, calm, positive family is not possible. So what do I tell myself in these situations?[/quote]

OP, I have been there and I feel for you. It has gotten better for us (age 8) but we still are likely to have this kid evaluated soon. My husband is like you, and it is extremely hard for him to deal with the tantrums so I handle nearly 100% of them. So one thing is if your husband can handle it better than you, that could be an option. I tell him things like "you're better at finances, I'm better at this" because it's true - we're all better at different things.

The other thing is I find parenting experts that have experience with PDA to have more helpful with specific tips on this than ones with neurotypical kids. For instance, this "this is a panic attack; I'm doing the best I can" frame helps me when my kid is losing it, generally "I feel bad this kid is in this situation" helps me to be more calm. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DI_drFvRmQ3/utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

I think the biggest thing is there is no way around it in the moment that it is horrible, and just that after, you're allowed to say "well that sucked" and try to move onto something calming for you. Finally, the older I get the more I realize that every single family has its challenges and they all present in different ways. Your family is the one you've got and you're doing your best. Hang in there. [/quote]

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