Mom’s Who Left Career to SAHP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of 16, 14 and 12 yo here. OP should wait until late ES or MS to dial back. It's actually very useful when kids are younger to have childcare for the younger siblings and a flexible job. It was more difficult for SAH parents who had a young child at home to volunteer because they had to either tag along or the parent had to find a sitter for them. It's also not that hard to plan out the summer during the ES years. There are a million camp options or summer nannies to choose from. Now, I do admit my older DCs were in ES school in FCPS before they started having so many days off. It would have been more difficult to deal with a calendar like the one for next year with multiple 4 and 5 day weekends.

I started reducing my hours when my oldest was in MS. She had a few after school activities and needed picked up at 3:30 or 4:00. Then she was playing a fall sport at high school, with practices starting at the beginning of August, the younger sibling was in MS, and youngest was into a travel sport. There were a lot of schedules to coordinate that couldn't have happened if I was in the office from 9-5.

These are the years that I think really matter since they're the last few you have before launching them into college. While I'm not a SAHP, most of my work hours align with the school schedule now. This is definitely not the time I'd be wanting to go back to work if I had scaled back while they were in ES.

Upper elementary and up kids start getting very involved in sports. I have kids in both public and private. Public middle school doesn’t have school sports and these kids would get out at 230 and you have to drive your kid to travel or AAU sports. We know kids who do gymnastics, dance, tennis, soccer, baseball, basketball, etc that all require a ton of driving. Carpooling is terrible at this age as kids don’t all live in the same neighborhood and games, matches and tournaments are all over the place. My private school kid at least has middle school practice at school but his matches are all over the DMV at 245! A surprisingly high number of parents make it to their games in the middle of the day.

High school kids who can’t yet drive also require a ton of driving. Any kid who trains or competes at anything at a high level whether it is sports, art, music, science, debate, anything also require driving.

Of course you can choose to not be involved but I believe these tween teen years are when kids need you the most. This is when you should cut down and be flexible. DH is at the peak of his career and I’m a SAHM and he is trying to cut back his house. Our oldest is 16 and he wants to attend his sports games at 4 and our other son’s sports games at 2:45.

+100000. I feel bad for mothers who quit their jobs with babies and plan to return later. It’s easy to hire a nanny or sign up for daycare. You can’t really hire a nanny for a 12 year old and they need their parents. If you can’t manage to work with a three year old, I don’t see how you manage later.

Some people want to he help me with their three year olds! Like me. My three year old is delightful. Soon she’ll be in school a lot and then later she won’t always want to be with me every second.

Typos - meant some people want to be with their three year olds*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of 16, 14 and 12 yo here. OP should wait until late ES or MS to dial back. It's actually very useful when kids are younger to have childcare for the younger siblings and a flexible job. It was more difficult for SAH parents who had a young child at home to volunteer because they had to either tag along or the parent had to find a sitter for them. It's also not that hard to plan out the summer during the ES years. There are a million camp options or summer nannies to choose from. Now, I do admit my older DCs were in ES school in FCPS before they started having so many days off. It would have been more difficult to deal with a calendar like the one for next year with multiple 4 and 5 day weekends.

I started reducing my hours when my oldest was in MS. She had a few after school activities and needed picked up at 3:30 or 4:00. Then she was playing a fall sport at high school, with practices starting at the beginning of August, the younger sibling was in MS, and youngest was into a travel sport. There were a lot of schedules to coordinate that couldn't have happened if I was in the office from 9-5.

These are the years that I think really matter since they're the last few you have before launching them into college. While I'm not a SAHP, most of my work hours align with the school schedule now. This is definitely not the time I'd be wanting to go back to work if I had scaled back while they were in ES.

Upper elementary and up kids start getting very involved in sports. I have kids in both public and private. Public middle school doesn’t have school sports and these kids would get out at 230 and you have to drive your kid to travel or AAU sports. We know kids who do gymnastics, dance, tennis, soccer, baseball, basketball, etc that all require a ton of driving. Carpooling is terrible at this age as kids don’t all live in the same neighborhood and games, matches and tournaments are all over the place. My private school kid at least has middle school practice at school but his matches are all over the DMV at 245! A surprisingly high number of parents make it to their games in the middle of the day.

High school kids who can’t yet drive also require a ton of driving. Any kid who trains or competes at anything at a high level whether it is sports, art, music, science, debate, anything also require driving.

Of course you can choose to not be involved but I believe these tween teen years are when kids need you the most. This is when you should cut down and be flexible. DH is at the peak of his career and I’m a SAHM and he is trying to cut back his house. Our oldest is 16 and he wants to attend his sports games at 4 and our other son’s sports games at 2:45.

+100000. I feel bad for mothers who quit their jobs with babies and plan to return later. It’s easy to hire a nanny or sign up for daycare. You can’t really hire a nanny for a 12 year old and they need their parents. If you can’t manage to work with a three year old, I don’t see how you manage later.

Some people want to he help me with their three year olds! Like me. My three year old is delightful. Soon she’ll be in school a lot and then later she won’t always want to be with me every second.

I was a working mom with my older two kids and a stay at home with my youngest since birth. They all turned out well. I think it is less about the childcare and more about parenting and the quality of the childcare. A high quality daycare and a professional nanny would be better than an unhappy miserable SAHM. I think everyone would agree that a loving mother home with young kids is better than a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. I remember when my oldest was starting freshmen year, we learned fall sports tryouts start out in early August. We usually vacation then. They also have tryouts in the middle of the day at random times. I don’t know how these kids get to tryouts and practice. I’m a SAHM so I can do it.

I lived about a mile away from my high school and would just walk or run over for preseason practice. There is also uber teen now and carpool. I agree that with three kids in lots of activities it is logistically challenging to manage everything as they age and it helps a lot to have flexibility.

Carpool as in other parents drive, not you. That’s not carpooling.

Or other high school students drive...your child can even get a license in their junior or senior year and drive. Getting to preseason practices in the middle of the day is not an impossible feat in most places, especially the DC metro area. High school students can ask an upperclassman who lives close to them to pick them up and drive them, they can bike, they can walk or run, they can use uber teen, they can take the metro, they can take a bus, they can ask a friend who lives close by and is going with a parent to drive them, you (their parent) can drop them off at a library near the school on your way to work in the morning and they can spend the day studying or reading or texting and then go to practice and either get a ride home or wait for you to pick them up at a number of locations around the school or at the school.

Driving your child to preseason is the bottom of list for why you should become a stay at home parent.

[Anonymous]

I loved SAH in the early years. It was exhausting but rewarding. I now SAH with teens. I am just a cook and driver and ATM. It’s not as rewarding. I could go back to work but my husband is literally no help apart from earning an income. He thinks he is an involved dad but he really is not. He has no patience for listening to their teen dramas and complaints, he attends their events somewhat grudgingly. He doesn’t like helping with driving after a long day of work, or making dinner, or cleaning the kitchen.

So now I just feel stuck. I like him as a person, but he’s kind of a crappy coparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. I remember when my oldest was starting freshmen year, we learned fall sports tryouts start out in early August. We usually vacation then. They also have tryouts in the middle of the day at random times. I don’t know how these kids get to tryouts and practice. I’m a SAHM so I can do it.

I lived about a mile away from my high school and would just walk or run over for preseason practice. There is also uber teen now and carpool. I agree that with three kids in lots of activities it is logistically challenging to manage everything as they age and it helps a lot to have flexibility.

Carpool as in other parents drive, not you. That’s not carpooling.

Or other high school students drive...your child can even get a license in their junior or senior year and drive. Getting to preseason practices in the middle of the day is not an impossible feat in most places, especially the DC metro area. High school students can ask an upperclassman who lives close to them to pick them up and drive them, they can bike, they can walk or run, they can use uber teen, they can take the metro, they can take a bus, they can ask a friend who lives close by and is going with a parent to drive them, you (their parent) can drop them off at a library near the school on your way to work in the morning and they can spend the day studying or reading or texting and then go to practice and either get a ride home or wait for you to pick them up at a number of locations around the school or at the school.

Driving your child to preseason is the bottom of list for why you should become a stay at home parent.

The high school years fly by. It is nice to hear what happened preseason freshmen year when child is starting high school. It is nice to be able to go out to eat with teen before or after practice. We are saying being there for your teen during these crucial years is important. That doesn’t mean you need to be a SAHM. Some of us are saying these teens need us around during this time.

[Anonymous]

You know, most kids want their parents around. It’s not just about need. Teens less so but they do appreciate there being a net if they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, most kids want their parents around. It’s not just about need. Teens less so but they do appreciate there being a net if they need it.

It’s often possible to find a job that allows you to be home in the late afternoon when kids are getting home. It’s important to be around for kids but that doesn’t preclude working.
For OP, is it possible to cut your hours or find something more part time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, most kids want their parents around. It’s not just about need. Teens less so but they do appreciate there being a net if they need it.

It’s often possible to find a job that allows you to be home in the late afternoon when kids are getting home. It’s important to be around for kids but that doesn’t preclude working.
For OP, is it possible to cut your hours or find something more part time?

DH has a very demanding job that also pays a lot. We have three kids in three different schools with different schedules, breaks and holidays. Between my last drop off and first afternoon pick up, I have 5 hours. I am not saying you can’t work. Of course you can. It is just a lot easier to juggle 3 kids if there is a stay at home parent. Every family dynamic is different. DH earned 10x what I earned. Now he makes even more. We don’t need my income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, most kids want their parents around. It’s not just about need. Teens less so but they do appreciate there being a net if they need it.

It’s often possible to find a job that allows you to be home in the late afternoon when kids are getting home. It’s important to be around for kids but that doesn’t preclude working.
For OP, is it possible to cut your hours or find something more part time?

+1. Why are people assuming it’s either working out of the house till 5/6 pm or quitting completely to be a SAHM. I stayed home with my three kids till my youngest started kindergarten. When I started looking for work, I strictly looked for remote jobs since being available when the kids got home was very important to me. I work full time but log off at 4 everyday so I can take my kids to their practices. I can also take an hour or two off every week to volunteer at their school. Remote jobs can give you amazing flexibility. Middle school and high school kids definitely need you around but they are also at school for at least 7 hours everyday and I won’t know what to do with all that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, most kids want their parents around. It’s not just about need. Teens less so but they do appreciate there being a net if they need it.

It’s often possible to find a job that allows you to be home in the late afternoon when kids are getting home. It’s important to be around for kids but that doesn’t preclude working.
For OP, is it possible to cut your hours or find something more part time?

DH has a very demanding job that also pays a lot. We have three kids in three different schools with different schedules, breaks and holidays. Between my last drop off and first afternoon pick up, I have 5 hours. I am not saying you can’t work. Of course you can. It is just a lot easier to juggle 3 kids if there is a stay at home parent. Every family dynamic is different. DH earned 10x what I earned. Now he makes even more. We don’t need my income.

It’s not always about income though. We don’t need my salary but I enjoy the intellectual challenges in my job and interacting with people in the same field as me. It makes me feel that there is more to me than just being a mother and a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of 16, 14 and 12 yo here. OP should wait until late ES or MS to dial back. It's actually very useful when kids are younger to have childcare for the younger siblings and a flexible job. It was more difficult for SAH parents who had a young child at home to volunteer because they had to either tag along or the parent had to find a sitter for them. It's also not that hard to plan out the summer during the ES years. There are a million camp options or summer nannies to choose from. Now, I do admit my older DCs were in ES school in FCPS before they started having so many days off. It would have been more difficult to deal with a calendar like the one for next year with multiple 4 and 5 day weekends.

I started reducing my hours when my oldest was in MS. She had a few after school activities and needed picked up at 3:30 or 4:00. Then she was playing a fall sport at high school, with practices starting at the beginning of August, the younger sibling was in MS, and youngest was into a travel sport. There were a lot of schedules to coordinate that couldn't have happened if I was in the office from 9-5.

These are the years that I think really matter since they're the last few you have before launching them into college. While I'm not a SAHP, most of my work hours align with the school schedule now. This is definitely not the time I'd be wanting to go back to work if I had scaled back while they were in ES.

Curious why you think the HS years matter the most. I mean, of course they do and teens need to be able to talk about college choices etc. but they’ll be in school and after school activities most of the day. Is it that important that you not work and stay home waiting for them to come back at night?

I think high school years matter most, but not in the DCUM thinks they matter. DCUM likes the older years because if a parent doesn’t work, they have more control over their child’s portfolio to get into college.

I think it matters because that’s what kids remember. I had decent parents as a younger child, but high school they let their egos and keeping up with the Joneses get in the way. I excelled (tbh, I would have anyway) but only in the areas they let me pursue (ie, classical music and not sports or other activities).

In addition, they were physically and verbally abusive and it ruined our relationship forever. Because I was older, that is what I remember most about high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It’s often possible to find a job that allows you to be home in the late afternoon when kids are getting home. It’s important to be around for kids but that doesn’t preclude working.
For OP, is it possible to cut your hours or find something more part time?

OP here. I agree! But I am a fed and have to be in the office 5 days a week, no option for telework. I agree it was better with telework and I did not feel as strong of a need to quit working. For perspective, I am flexing my hours to the maximum, which means I leave the house at 6am and get back home at 4:30. I am just so exhausted by my commute that I have little energy for the kids (I’m also an older mom). I feel this will have even more negative impact as they start to need more parental involvement with schoolwork and learning to read, etc. Sadly, in this economy/political environment, organizations have frozen all hiring - I have seen ZERO job ads in my field in the past 30 days. It’s bleak!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, most kids want their parents around. It’s not just about need. Teens less so but they do appreciate there being a net if they need it.

It’s often possible to find a job that allows you to be home in the late afternoon when kids are getting home. It’s important to be around for kids but that doesn’t preclude working.
For OP, is it possible to cut your hours or find something more part time?

DH has a very demanding job that also pays a lot. We have three kids in three different schools with different schedules, breaks and holidays. Between my last drop off and first afternoon pick up, I have 5 hours. I am not saying you can’t work. Of course you can. It is just a lot easier to juggle 3 kids if there is a stay at home parent. Every family dynamic is different. DH earned 10x what I earned. Now he makes even more. We don’t need my income.

It’s not always about income though. We don’t need my salary but I enjoy the intellectual challenges in my job and interacting with people in the same field as me. It makes me feel that there is more to me than just being a mother and a wife.

I actually think that is ideal if you have a spouse who can/will pull weight at home. Yes I guess I should have “chosen better” but it’s really hard to know when you are 24. If I worked, I’d either have to do everything at home or let things fall through the cracks. DH would not pick up any slack. I know because if I’m sick or need to be out of town, he does the absolute bare minimum. He’s a good kind person and earns a high income, but not at all comfortable with the “emotional” aspect of parenting (and we have girls) and doesn’t see any issue leaving the kitchen a mess, doesn’t notice any dirty laundry until he’s out of underwear, doesn’t see dust bunnies in the corners of the wood floor, stuff like that. Also couldn’t tell you a kid’s clothes or shoe size or teacher’s name to save his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved SAH in the early years. It was exhausting but rewarding. I now SAH with teens. I am just a cook and driver and ATM. It’s not as rewarding. I could go back to work but my husband is literally no help apart from earning an income. He thinks he is an involved dad but he really is not. He has no patience for listening to their teen dramas and complaints, he attends their events somewhat grudgingly. He doesn’t like helping with driving after a long day of work, or making dinner, or cleaning the kitchen.

So now I just feel stuck. I like him as a person, but he’s kind of a crappy coparent.

Why do you feel like work is the only valuable and rewarding thing you can do with your time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, most kids want their parents around. It’s not just about need. Teens less so but they do appreciate there being a net if they need it.

It’s often possible to find a job that allows you to be home in the late afternoon when kids are getting home. It’s important to be around for kids but that doesn’t preclude working.
For OP, is it possible to cut your hours or find something more part time?

DH has a very demanding job that also pays a lot. We have three kids in three different schools with different schedules, breaks and holidays. Between my last drop off and first afternoon pick up, I have 5 hours. I am not saying you can’t work. Of course you can. It is just a lot easier to juggle 3 kids if there is a stay at home parent. Every family dynamic is different. DH earned 10x what I earned. Now he makes even more. We don’t need my income.

It’s not always about income though. We don’t need my salary but I enjoy the intellectual challenges in my job and interacting with people in the same field as me. It makes me feel that there is more to me than just being a mother and a wife.

I actually think that is ideal if you have a spouse who can/will pull weight at home. Yes I guess I should have “chosen better” but it’s really hard to know when you are 24. If I worked, I’d either have to do everything at home or let things fall through the cracks. DH would not pick up any slack. I know because if I’m sick or need to be out of town, he does the absolute bare minimum. He’s a good kind person and earns a high income, but not at all comfortable with the “emotional” aspect of parenting (and we have girls) and doesn’t see any issue leaving the kitchen a mess, doesn’t notice any dirty laundry until he’s out of underwear, doesn’t see dust bunnies in the corners of the wood floor, stuff like that. Also couldn’t tell you a kid’s clothes or shoe size or teacher’s name to save his life.

That’s setting a bad example for your children of what to expect from a spouse. There is division of labor, which I get, but your spouse has taken it to another level. I guess that I can also understand how someone who is truly overwhelmed and preoccupied by work wouldn’t have the bandwidth to notice all the things you listed.

OP- Do what you have to do right now. This doesn’t have to be a lifelong choice you lash yourself to. My oldest just finished K (she just turned 6) and she learned how to read basic books by late September. She had a lot of pre-literacy in PK, but I wasn’t teaching her how to read. I do homework with her at night (math, reading, dictation and encoding, and composition) for max 30-45 minutes and do that while cooking dinner and watching my 1 and 3 year old. Maybe my experience isn’t the norm, but I don’t think you need to teach your child to read. They should be learning at school and you should be reinforcing at home.