husband and I handle disagreements differently. Need serious advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds so childish and exhausting

Not to me, she sounds perfectly fine. You sound like an a-hole though.

NP. OP sounds childish because she thinks her needs/wants are more important than her husband's. Even her telling of the stories is exhausting. I'd disengage from her as well, and I do think the silent treatment is a form of abuse, but it doesn't sound like she's not pushing for it.

+1 I don't think her DH is without fault, but OP sounds needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds so childish and exhausting

Not to me, she sounds perfectly fine. You sound like an a-hole though.

NP. OP sounds childish because she thinks her needs/wants are more important than her husband's. Even her telling of the stories is exhausting. I'd disengage from her as well, and I do think the silent treatment is a form of abuse, but it doesn't sound like she's not pushing for it.

I agree. Op sounds like she digs and digs and digs and it’s ok in her mind because she “needs reassurance” and he pulls further away which makes her more angry etc. very needy annoying dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds so childish and exhausting

Not to me, she sounds perfectly fine. You sound like an a-hole though.

NP. OP sounds childish because she thinks her needs/wants are more important than her husband's. Even her telling of the stories is exhausting. I'd disengage from her as well, and I do think the silent treatment is a form of abuse, but it doesn't sound like she's not pushing for it.

+1 I don't think her DH is without fault, but OP sounds needy.

Agreed. She just sounds very whiny. Maybe it's because I grew up with a parent who was very needy and kept pushing people's buttons, but I understand the reaction to just shut down and block someone out. It's not healthy or kind, but I get why it happens. Therapy probably didn't work for them because neither of them think they are in the wrong and want to change. Her husband sounds like a jerk, but OP seems to be playing this weird spineless victim card but at the same time being needy and whiny and trying to get him to give her attention and reassurance when it sounds like he can't stand that. It's not a healthy dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds so childish and exhausting

Not to me, she sounds perfectly fine. You sound like an a-hole though.

NP. OP sounds childish because she thinks her needs/wants are more important than her husband's. Even her telling of the stories is exhausting. I'd disengage from her as well, and I do think the silent treatment is a form of abuse, but it doesn't sound like she's not pushing for it.

I agree. Op sounds like she digs and digs and digs and it’s ok in her mind because she “needs reassurance” and he pulls further away which makes her more angry etc. very needy annoying dynamic.

Yup. Been in this situation before. My reaction was to also pull away and shut down. Thankfully we were just dating and my friends were able to point out how toxic our relationship was and how he wasn't a good match for me so I ended it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

WTAF?
I mean, seriously, WTAF?

[Anonymous]

I’m still having a hard time imagining how many disagreements you can actually have about your kids’ education that this is such a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

WTAF?
I mean, seriously, WTAF?

Taken at face value, OP is in a very unequal relationship where he dominates and she just submits to his will. When he gets challenged (i.e., disagreements arise) he withdraws completely for days.

This is not a tenable relationship. It's fundamentally abusive and has a lopsided power structure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. You're not a child and yet you're acting like one. Ok you're spineless and a doormat, that's your fault. Fix it. You're not going to change him.

Dp. This is unnecessary and mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

WTAF?
I mean, seriously, WTAF?

I've always wondered what's happened in someone's life to get them to a point where they are like this. Was their dad abusive? Was their mom a doormat? Is it a cultural thing? Do they have no self esteem? What has gone so wrong in someones life that they let themselves be treated like this.

[Anonymous]

You can't dictate how your husband chooses to respond to disagreements .. Absolutely doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

I think I know exactly what this is. He feels like you become abusive. It sounds like any conflict leads to abuse, so he has to disconnect to protect. If you listened kindly, quietly, then he would feel like he could engage. You both need help, so you can learn to handle conflict respectfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

WTAF?
I mean, seriously, WTAF?

Taken at face value, OP is in a very unequal relationship where he dominates and she just submits to his will. When he gets challenged (i.e., disagreements arise) he withdraws completely for days.

This is not a tenable relationship. It's fundamentally abusive and has a lopsided power structure.

I see a pattern when she dominates and he has to withdraw to protect himself. He even used that word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

WTAF?
I mean, seriously, WTAF?

Taken at face value, OP is in a very unequal relationship where he dominates and she just submits to his will. When he gets challenged (i.e., disagreements arise) he withdraws completely for days.

This is not a tenable relationship. It's fundamentally abusive and has a lopsided power structure.

I see a pattern when she dominates and he has to withdraw to protect himself. He even used that word.

Good point; she says she needs him to tell her he loves her, but he doesn’t feel like she’s showing that she loves him. Hence his need to protect himself first, deal with conflict later.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t like how he treats you after you disagree with him AND you are just going to do whatever he says anyway (he is the leader, apparently) then stop verbally disagreeing with him. He doesn’t care. You are talking just to talk. You know he doesn’t care what you want and you’ve shown him you don’t really value yourself so what’s the point? You got an abortion because he led you to it and you didn’t take a job because he led you to that decision. Why would you fighting about education be any different. Your views don’t matter and you aren’t going to do anything about it. He doesn’t want to listen to you. The silent treatment is your punishment. He can’t physically send you to your bedroom or not give you dessert but he can socially isolate you from the family and the marriage.

My advice would be to stop disagreeing with him OR do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t like how he treats you after you disagree with him AND you are just going to do whatever he says anyway (he is the leader, apparently) then stop verbally disagreeing with him. He doesn’t care. You are talking just to talk. You know he doesn’t care what you want and you’ve shown him you don’t really value yourself so what’s the point? You got an abortion because he led you to it and you didn’t take a job because he led you to that decision. Why would you fighting about education be any different. Your views don’t matter and you aren’t going to do anything about it. He doesn’t want to listen to you. The silent treatment is your punishment. He can’t physically send you to your bedroom or not give you dessert but he can socially isolate you from the family and the marriage.

My advice would be to stop disagreeing with him OR do something about it.

Agreed. He's a jerk but, you know that. You know he doesn't care what your opinion is. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment and annoyance trying to act like he does. So you either just need to accept that this is the dynamic of your relationship and just keep your mouth shut when you don't agree with him and go along with whatever he wants, or get your own therapy to learn to stand up for yourself. This very well could lead to divorce in the end.