husband and I handle disagreements differently. Need serious advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"
Silent stewing for days over a disagreement is a form of emotional abuse.

It's ok to ask to put the disagreement aside while he thinks about things. Often giving time and space to disagreements can help them lose fire. But while it's put aside, he needs to be communicating. This is what adults do when they are upset.

So if you disagree on Monday, he needs to be able to talk about what's for dinner and the schedule for the week etc, on Monday night without acting like a preschooler."

+100

He absolutely should not reject OP's request to play games with the rest of their family. That is TERRIBLE parenting and shitty husbanding.

? OP said he talks with the kids in front of her. He's not playing games with the rest of the family. He's probably trying to keep calm in front of the kids which means not engaging with someone (OP) who will make him disagreeable.

I think they both have issues, and I can say that as someone who is more like the DH.

The DH needs to separate the argument from interaction with OP when it comes to daily life; the OP is too needy, and needs to find assurance within herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

Well, you two seem to have lot of resentment towards each other and need to accept your dynamic and slowly improve it, seek marital counseling for neutral professional perspective or trial separation to reset it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

I'm a DW, and I'm more like your DH. I shut down. I need to space and time when I'm upset to calm down. Usually sleeping helps my mind to recharge, but sometimes it's hard to connect when I'm still upset. It's a personality flaw, I know. I've been married for 20 years, and I was really bad about this earlier on in our marriage. I've learned over time to let things go, just as DH has learned over time, to let me process my own emotions.

I think I am like my dad in this way. He can hold out for over a year. At least I'm not that bad. He can also hold grudges like no one. I'm a bit like that, too. Does your DH also hold grudges for a long time? I find that this goes hand in hand.

48 hours is nothing for people like this. But, maybe you can ask for a compromise and say you will give him 48 hours to process the disagreement, then you need to talk.

GL

OP here. Thank you, it feels good to hear from someone that is also like him. He can hold grudges and things always resurface someway. Remember when you did this or said that. He holds me to everything I say or do. He lets nothing go. I am full blown the opposite and need to talk, need emotions, needs feelings. He is by the book, by rules and very analytical. He is not a bad guy, or husband. It is just that I think it is ok to sometimes disagree but he turns our disagreements into a character flaw. I do not think that is fair.

What does this mean? You will die, in the snap of a moment without these things? What does "needing" emotion or feeling look like? What does this mean beyond our general existing day to day on this Earth. I am at loss 100% of what you are talking about.

OP here. I never once said I would die without those things. During disagreements, he only wants to stick to facts., no matter how I "feel." I hope you are no longer lost by what I am saying.

So you have an issue with sticking to facts during your arguments? And you’re arguing about education and don’t like facts???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

Try your OWN therapy to learn how to cope with "need for reassurance" and fear based attempts to control like "tell me you love me and will get back to me in 2 hours."
What you are doing to get your view on middle ground is driving you bith to polar extremes. Sorry.

He loves you or he doesn't. He loves you but doesn't like what you are doing. He doesn't love you and doesn't like what you are doing. You can be ok no matter which. But you don't know how and need to talk it over. If you cannot afford therapy go to free AlAnon phone or Zoom meetings because they are all about codependency and may help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

You have more issues in your marriage than just his prolonged silent treatment.

Are you from a conservative country, by chance? An immigrant?

It sounds like it. My parents are immigrants from a conservative country, and your marriage sounds like theirs to some degree.

My siblings and I told our mother she should divorce. She never did, but I think she was close to doing so a few times. They are still married, and he still gives her prolonged silent treatments. It's awful.

Focus on yourself. Get a higher paying job, no matter what he says. You will need to set yourself up for financial independence. You do not want to be dependent on someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Silent stewing for days over a disagreement is a form of emotional abuse.

It's ok to ask to put the disagreement aside while he thinks about things. Often giving time and space to disagreements can help them lose fire. But while it's put aside, he needs to be communicating. This is what adults do when they are upset.

So if you disagree on Monday, he needs to be able to talk about what's for dinner and the schedule for the week etc, on Monday night without acting like a preschooler.

OP here. This is all that I ask for. The therapist recommended that. Whatever time he needs, he needs to say it and needs to say if he needs more time but can not ignore me. I have anxiety, no excuse, and I need reassurance. I am ok with not getting it but can I atleast be talked to? He will ignore me in front of the kids. If they all want to play a game, if I play, he says no.

For starters, focus on this point, request him to parent as a team and keep disagreements private. You do the same so he learns from you.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds so childish and exhausting

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you have anxious, disorganized attachment style, his sounds avoidant. You can only change yourself. Know this combo often leads to divorce, for the sake of the kids seek Gottman therapy even if you go alone.

Best to you! You may also want to do additional EMDR, sounds like prior anxiety is being triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Therapy is literally the only thing that could help here. How does one fail at therapy?

[Anonymous]

1) Have you posted this before? If so, go back and read the old responses.

2) This can't have happened overnight, so he's always been like this and you had kids with him. You won't do therapy so your choices are either (a) accept it or (b) leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Maybe realize you can't use arguments as a way to get what you want, you are not going to beat him into submission by "arguing" about something on and on. A lot of "arguing" is just one person saying the same thing over and over louder and louder and expecting a different answer than what was first provided.

OP here. I appreciate your comment but there is nothing that I want. Our disagreement is about the education of our children. We see things differently. To me, that is ok but for him, it is not. I cant change my thinking or view. I value his opinion and let him lead most of the time but I need to be able to state my opinion too even if just to be heard. No one is loud. I think you are projecting your arguments onto mine. He shuts down. I do not want to shut down and carry the same conversation over to the next day and the next because someone decides they need 24 hours not to themselves but away from me.

Your argument doesn't even make sense. What do you mean the education of your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

Well, you would have learned that in therapy. I don't know you think some internet posters are going to solve your problems. What are you going to do, show your husband this thread and he'll magically change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

This must be a troll. You have agency over your own life, you know. You're not going to do anything anyone here tells you to do anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds so childish and exhausting

Not to me, she sounds perfectly fine. You sound like an a-hole though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds so childish and exhausting

Not to me, she sounds perfectly fine. You sound like an a-hole though.

NP. OP sounds childish because she thinks her needs/wants are more important than her husband's. Even her telling of the stories is exhausting. I'd disengage from her as well, and I do think the silent treatment is a form of abuse, but it doesn't sound like she's not pushing for it.