husband and I handle disagreements differently. Need serious advice

[Anonymous]

When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

[Anonymous]

I think this is very typical of men. They can't handle verbal conflict well. Only physical. Probably 70% of them have avoidant personality. You won't change him. Best advice is learn that people don't change including yourself. Maybe he can pay for you to have a therapist since you need someone to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Maybe realize you can't use arguments as a way to get what you want, you are not going to beat him into submission by "arguing" about something on and on. A lot of "arguing" is just one person saying the same thing over and over louder and louder and expecting a different answer than what was first provided.

[Anonymous]

How often do you have disagreements and about what? I’d be looking at ways to make my relationship more peaceful because I can’t really even imagine what you’d disagree about that would take two days to get over. Like figuring out how to find common ground instead of disagreeing, only disagreeing when it really matters and letting everything else go, that sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mean this flippantly but i would try giving him a taste of his own medicine. Seriously, he may see things differently if he stops viewing you as the needy and pursuing one.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, but you sound psychotic. You pick fights then pester him and want his reassurance after? What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Maybe realize you can't use arguments as a way to get what you want, you are not going to beat him into submission by "arguing" about something on and on. A lot of "arguing" is just one person saying the same thing over and over louder and louder and expecting a different answer than what was first provided.

OP here. I appreciate your comment but there is nothing that I want. Our disagreement is about the education of our children. We see things differently. To me, that is ok but for him, it is not. I cant change my thinking or view. I value his opinion and let him lead most of the time but I need to be able to state my opinion too even if just to be heard. No one is loud. I think you are projecting your arguments onto mine. He shuts down. I do not want to shut down and carry the same conversation over to the next day and the next because someone decides they need 24 hours not to themselves but away from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but you sound psychotic. You pick fights then pester him and want his reassurance after? What is wrong with you?

I do not pester or pick fights. I want reassurance, yes. What is wrong with me? I need being heard in my relationship. His views, opinions and what matters to him is more important than anyone or anything else. We need to discuss our childrens education. It can not be swept under the rug. I get it is DCUM and we love to point fingers at the poster but your view of me is not accurate. I value his space but I do not think 24 to 48 hours is reasonable amount of time to disconnect from your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like stonewalling, which is really unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean this flippantly but i would try giving him a taste of his own medicine. Seriously, he may see things differently if he stops viewing you as the needy and pursuing one.

OP here. If people think that will seriously work then I can give that a try. I can hold out but then I wonder, what happens when he comes back around and after 2 days wants to talk about the same disagreement again? Do I just remain quiet and let him speak? Do I agree with him to keep the peace? Do I stand up for myself?

[Anonymous]

I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

[Anonymous]

What is there to fight about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but you sound psychotic. You pick fights then pester him and want his reassurance after? What is wrong with you?

I do not pester or pick fights. I want reassurance, yes. What is wrong with me? I need being heard in my relationship. His views, opinions and what matters to him is more important than anyone or anything else. We need to discuss our childrens education. It can not be swept under the rug. I get it is DCUM and we love to point fingers at the poster but your view of me is not accurate. I value his space but I do not think 24 to 48 hours is reasonable amount of time to disconnect from your wife.

Well it doesn’t sound like he’s the one picking fights if he’s the one pulling away. From your op it sounds like you start berating him about something (education???), he gets upset and pulls away, you don’t like not getting what you want so you try and manipulate him to act how you want. Good lord that sounds so annoying.