husband and I handle disagreements differently. Need serious advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but you sound psychotic. You pick fights then pester him and want his reassurance after? What is wrong with you?

I do not pester or pick fights. I want reassurance, yes. What is wrong with me? I need being heard in my relationship. His views, opinions and what matters to him is more important than anyone or anything else. We need to discuss our childrens education. It can not be swept under the rug. I get it is DCUM and we love to point fingers at the poster but your view of me is not accurate. I value his space but I do not think 24 to 48 hours is reasonable amount of time to disconnect from your wife.

Well it doesn’t sound like he’s the one picking fights if he’s the one pulling away. From your op it sounds like you start berating him about something (education???), he gets upset and pulls away, you don’t like not getting what you want so you try and manipulate him to act how you want. Good lord that sounds so annoying.

OP here. This is not the case at all but I am ok with you creating your own scenario. I just can not entertain your make believe scenario of me. I did not pick a fight. The disagreement was of our childrens education.

[Anonymous]

How TF are you arguing this much about your kids education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

There doesn't have to be a middle ground, he is a full grown human who can have his own emotions and reactions, just as you do.

[Anonymous]

Silent stewing for days over a disagreement is a form of emotional abuse.

It's ok to ask to put the disagreement aside while he thinks about things. Often giving time and space to disagreements can help them lose fire. But while it's put aside, he needs to be communicating. This is what adults do when they are upset.

So if you disagree on Monday, he needs to be able to talk about what's for dinner and the schedule for the week etc, on Monday night without acting like a preschooler.

[Anonymous]

OP if you divorce him, could you support yourself? It sounds like you want to frame this as him having all the power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

There doesn't have to be a middle ground, he is a full grown human who can have his own emotions and reactions, just as you do.

OP here. Thank you, this is so simple but so true. I can for sure do a better job with that as well.

[Anonymous]

There's a therapist who just wrote a book who talks about this. Her name is Jill Turecki or something like that. There is nothing wrong with you for not being able to handle what is essentially abandonment. It would be extremely hard for me to handle that sort of treatment, and I think that objectively, it's unhealthy and destructive behavior by him. However, you're now married to him and it's not like you can just decide to date someone else. That ship sailed. So, maybe the goal should be for you to see his behavior for what it is: his inability to be vulnerable with you about a very important family issue. It doesn't seem like he is motivated by a desire to contradict you capriciously, or to intentionally cause conflict, based on what you've shared. Maybe you could do a self-intervention? Instead of experiencing his silent treatment as an act of aggression, you could try to see it as a child protecting himself from pain. That might change the whole dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but you sound psychotic. You pick fights then pester him and want his reassurance after? What is wrong with you?

I do not pester or pick fights. I want reassurance, yes. What is wrong with me? I need being heard in my relationship. His views, opinions and what matters to him is more important than anyone or anything else. We need to discuss our childrens education. It can not be swept under the rug. I get it is DCUM and we love to point fingers at the poster but your view of me is not accurate. I value his space but I do not think 24 to 48 hours is reasonable amount of time to disconnect from your wife.

Anytime anyone starts a sentence with "I need' or "I want" that tells you all that you need to know. Others are not your emotional slaves. Yes even though "but he is MY husband!" He is not your possession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Silent stewing for days over a disagreement is a form of emotional abuse.

It's ok to ask to put the disagreement aside while he thinks about things. Often giving time and space to disagreements can help them lose fire. But while it's put aside, he needs to be communicating. This is what adults do when they are upset.

So if you disagree on Monday, he needs to be able to talk about what's for dinner and the schedule for the week etc, on Monday night without acting like a preschooler.

OP here. This is all that I ask for. The therapist recommended that. Whatever time he needs, he needs to say it and needs to say if he needs more time but can not ignore me. I have anxiety, no excuse, and I need reassurance. I am ok with not getting it but can I atleast be talked to? He will ignore me in front of the kids. If they all want to play a game, if I play, he says no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a therapist who just wrote a book who talks about this. Her name is Jill Turecki or something like that. There is nothing wrong with you for not being able to handle what is essentially abandonment. It would be extremely hard for me to handle that sort of treatment, and I think that objectively, it's unhealthy and destructive behavior by him. However, you're now married to him and it's not like you can just decide to date someone else. That ship sailed. So, maybe the goal should be for you to see his behavior for what it is: his inability to be vulnerable with you about a very important family issue. It doesn't seem like he is motivated by a desire to contradict you capriciously, or to intentionally cause conflict, based on what you've shared. Maybe you could do a self-intervention? Instead of experiencing his silent treatment as an act of aggression, you could try to see it as a child protecting himself from pain. That might change the whole dynamic?

The word "vulnerable" has lost all meaning--I guess it now means forming a mind meld and taking on the emotion of the person who demands "be vulnerable! Share my feelings!". But actually her husband is sharing is thoughts and preferences fully, they just are not the ones she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but you sound psychotic. You pick fights then pester him and want his reassurance after? What is wrong with you?

I do not pester or pick fights. I want reassurance, yes. What is wrong with me? I need being heard in my relationship. His views, opinions and what matters to him is more important than anyone or anything else. We need to discuss our childrens education. It can not be swept under the rug. I get it is DCUM and we love to point fingers at the poster but your view of me is not accurate. I value his space but I do not think 24 to 48 hours is reasonable amount of time to disconnect from your wife.

Anytime anyone starts a sentence with "I need' or "I want" that tells you all that you need to know. Others are not your emotional slaves. Yes even though "but he is MY husband!" He is not your possession.

OP here. I needed that. How do I provide my own reassurance then? Is that possible? I am not discounting what you are saying but you read me like a book. I require reassurance from him. I do not know how to provide it to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you divorce him, could you support yourself? It sounds like you want to frame this as him having all the power.

OP here. I could not support myself but I also do not want to divorce either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

I'm a DW, and I'm more like your DH. I shut down. I need to space and time when I'm upset to calm down. Usually sleeping helps my mind to recharge, but sometimes it's hard to connect when I'm still upset. It's a personality flaw, I know. I've been married for 20 years, and I was really bad about this earlier on in our marriage. I've learned over time to let things go, just as DH has learned over time, to let me process my own emotions.

I think I am like my dad in this way. He can hold out for over a year. At least I'm not that bad. He can also hold grudges like no one. I'm a bit like that, too. Does your DH also hold grudges for a long time? I find that this goes hand in hand.

48 hours is nothing for people like this. But, maybe you can ask for a compromise and say you will give him 48 hours to process the disagreement, then you need to talk.

GL

[Anonymous]

Stonewalling is named by the Gottman's as one of the "four horsemen" of relationships, meaning extremely, extremely detrimental and harmful to the longevity of the relationship.

OP, is he aware of how damaging and upsetting his behavior is to you?