husband and I handle disagreements differently. Need serious advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is very typical of men. They can't handle verbal conflict well. Only physical. Probably 70% of them have avoidant personality. You won't change him. Best advice is learn that people don't change including yourself. Maybe he can pay for you to have a therapist since you need someone to talk to.

I am and I can certainly handle verbal conflict in the moment.

The reason that I choose not to engage is majority of what will be discussed will have nothing to do with the current situation. It’ll be a litany of past errors and mistakes of mine Have no correlation to the current issue. And 90% of what will be discussed about the current issue will not be based on facts, it will be based on emotional thought or how things “should be”.

[Anonymous]

Is this the same argument / disagreemtn / conversation repeatedly? You said it is about your child's education. Is this something where you both fundamentally feel differently and there is no middle ground. For example one staunchly wants public and one stauncly wants private?

Or are these all kinds of different disagreements that pop up frequently? And why about education. Is it only about education or about other topics as well?

Making a point, being heard, having a voice, stating an opinion - for me, I don't think argument or disagreement when I think those things - to me they are part of a conversation. You speak your piece and you listen to the response and you discuss.

What happens after he takes time. Does he approach you with a thought out response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. You're not a child and yet you're acting like one. Ok you're spineless and a doormat, that's your fault. Fix it. You're not going to change him.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I've been in relationships throughout my life where I felt abandoned and my partner's actions would regularly spark feelings of abandonment in me. I was convinced that I was overly sensitive and needed anti-anxiety meds or something to handle normal romantic relationships. But then I met my current partner, and in almost a year of being exclusive, I've never once felt "abandoned" by him. Unlike every other man I've been with, he is really great at "using his words" and kindly saying that he doesn't want to do X when I suggest it, or that he feels differently about a political issue. He disagrees with me often and he says no to things I want. But he does it in a way that makes it crystal clear that he 100% wants to be with me, and that this is just one small thing where we disagree. I imagine that if we disagreed about something like a child's education, he'd be the first to suggest that we set aside a few hours to really share with one another what is under the surface of our opinions.

My tendency is to argue my points and marshal evidence to make it clear that I'm "right" and he is great at calling me out on that, but in a gentle and loving way. I share all this to say that it's very possible that you're not necessarily too sensitive. But what does seem to be true is that you two handle your differences differently, and you might need to be the "adult" here who stops the negative cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is very typical of men. They can't handle verbal conflict well. Only physical. Probably 70% of them have avoidant personality. You won't change him. Best advice is learn that people don't change including yourself. Maybe he can pay for you to have a therapist since you need someone to talk to.

I am and I can certainly handle verbal conflict in the moment.

The reason that I choose not to engage is majority of what will be discussed will have nothing to do with the current situation. It’ll be a litany of past errors and mistakes of mine Have no correlation to the current issue. And 90% of what will be discussed about the current issue will not be based on facts, it will be based on emotional thought or how things “should be”.

First line should be I am a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

I'm a DW, and I'm more like your DH. I shut down. I need to space and time when I'm upset to calm down. Usually sleeping helps my mind to recharge, but sometimes it's hard to connect when I'm still upset. It's a personality flaw, I know. I've been married for 20 years, and I was really bad about this earlier on in our marriage. I've learned over time to let things go, just as DH has learned over time, to let me process my own emotions.

I think I am like my dad in this way. He can hold out for over a year. At least I'm not that bad. He can also hold grudges like no one. I'm a bit like that, too. Does your DH also hold grudges for a long time? I find that this goes hand in hand.

48 hours is nothing for people like this. But, maybe you can ask for a compromise and say you will give him 48 hours to process the disagreement, then you need to talk.

GL

OP here. Thank you, it feels good to hear from someone that is also like him. He can hold grudges and things always resurface someway. Remember when you did this or said that. He holds me to everything I say or do. He lets nothing go. I am full blown the opposite and need to talk, need emotions, needs feelings. He is by the book, by rules and very analytical. He is not a bad guy, or husband. It is just that I think it is ok to sometimes disagree but he turns our disagreements into a character flaw. I do not think that is fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stonewalling is named by the Gottman's as one of the "four horsemen" of relationships, meaning extremely, extremely detrimental and harmful to the longevity of the relationship.

OP, is he aware of how damaging and upsetting his behavior is to you?

+1

Or does he just not care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but you sound psychotic. You pick fights then pester him and want his reassurance after? What is wrong with you?

I do not pester or pick fights. I want reassurance, yes. What is wrong with me? I need being heard in my relationship. His views, opinions and what matters to him is more important than anyone or anything else. We need to discuss our childrens education. It can not be swept under the rug. I get it is DCUM and we love to point fingers at the poster but your view of me is not accurate. I value his space but I do not think 24 to 48 hours is reasonable amount of time to disconnect from your wife.

Anytime anyone starts a sentence with "I need' or "I want" that tells you all that you need to know. Others are not your emotional slaves. Yes even though "but he is MY husband!" He is not your possession.

OP here. I needed that. How do I provide my own reassurance then? Is that possible? I am not discounting what you are saying but you read me like a book. I require reassurance from him. I do not know how to provide it to myself.

You don't need reassurance. Just exist. You are fully human. Nothing will change that.

[Anonymous]

"
Silent stewing for days over a disagreement is a form of emotional abuse.

It's ok to ask to put the disagreement aside while he thinks about things. Often giving time and space to disagreements can help them lose fire. But while it's put aside, he needs to be communicating. This is what adults do when they are upset.

So if you disagree on Monday, he needs to be able to talk about what's for dinner and the schedule for the week etc, on Monday night without acting like a preschooler."

+100

He absolutely should not reject OP's request to play games with the rest of their family. That is TERRIBLE parenting and shitty husbanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

I'm a DW, and I'm more like your DH. I shut down. I need to space and time when I'm upset to calm down. Usually sleeping helps my mind to recharge, but sometimes it's hard to connect when I'm still upset. It's a personality flaw, I know. I've been married for 20 years, and I was really bad about this earlier on in our marriage. I've learned over time to let things go, just as DH has learned over time, to let me process my own emotions.

I think I am like my dad in this way. He can hold out for over a year. At least I'm not that bad. He can also hold grudges like no one. I'm a bit like that, too. Does your DH also hold grudges for a long time? I find that this goes hand in hand.

48 hours is nothing for people like this. But, maybe you can ask for a compromise and say you will give him 48 hours to process the disagreement, then you need to talk.

GL

OP here. Thank you, it feels good to hear from someone that is also like him. He can hold grudges and things always resurface someway. Remember when you did this or said that. He holds me to everything I say or do. He lets nothing go. I am full blown the opposite and need to talk, need emotions, needs feelings. He is by the book, by rules and very analytical. He is not a bad guy, or husband. It is just that I think it is ok to sometimes disagree but he turns our disagreements into a character flaw. I do not think that is fair.

What does this mean? You will die, in the snap of a moment without these things? What does "needing" emotion or feeling look like? What does this mean beyond our general existing day to day on this Earth. I am at loss 100% of what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"
Silent stewing for days over a disagreement is a form of emotional abuse.

It's ok to ask to put the disagreement aside while he thinks about things. Often giving time and space to disagreements can help them lose fire. But while it's put aside, he needs to be communicating. This is what adults do when they are upset.

So if you disagree on Monday, he needs to be able to talk about what's for dinner and the schedule for the week etc, on Monday night without acting like a preschooler."

+100

He absolutely should not reject OP's request to play games with the rest of their family. That is TERRIBLE parenting and shitty husbanding.

+1000

And anyone defending this is probably an abuser themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men have learned that any confrontation or argument can and will be used against them hence its better to pause and mute.

OP here. That is fine. I guess my best bet is allow him to lead this but he has lead everything in my life. I got pregnant, because he did not want another, he advised an abortion. I did it. I got a great job offer but he did not want me to take it because I would be around a male dominant environment, so I did not take it. This is just a few examples where he leads and I have no say. Our children's education, same thing.... this argument and all the others, he leads and decides when we can and can not talk about it. Yes I need therapy but I also need a husband.

Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. You're not a child and yet you're acting like one. Ok you're spineless and a doormat, that's your fault. Fix it. You're not going to change him.

OP here. Message received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I get into arguments, he shuts down and says he needs space and time. So, he ignores me all day (I do not reach out to him because I know he will not respond and will take it as me disrespecting what he needs). I get no phone call, no text, he wont be in the same room as me at home, will interact with the kids in front of me but will not speak or look or interact with me. This can go on for a day, sometimes 2. It hurts me so much. I am the type that if there is a disagreement or argument, I want to handle it right then and there. I can not take being someones wife and being ignored. I know that we are both not right yet not right for our needs but how do we cope? I told him many times, it is ok to take a break but I need reassurance when you decide to do that. For instance, tell me you love me but you are hurt and need space but will get back to me in two hours. He does not say or do that. He says, "I need to protect and handle me first." "I can not be there for you if I am not there for me." Please do not suggest therapy. We tried, we failed, and that option is no longer on the table. I dont even care if you tell me that I am at fault, but someone, please help me. I can not take this.

Why are you dictating how he responds to your fights? He is allowed to process in his own way without you telling him how to behave. He’s your husband not your child.

OP here and I get that. He processes by shutting down and I process by talking it out. What is the middle ground that makes us both have our needs met?

I'm a DW, and I'm more like your DH. I shut down. I need to space and time when I'm upset to calm down. Usually sleeping helps my mind to recharge, but sometimes it's hard to connect when I'm still upset. It's a personality flaw, I know. I've been married for 20 years, and I was really bad about this earlier on in our marriage. I've learned over time to let things go, just as DH has learned over time, to let me process my own emotions.

I think I am like my dad in this way. He can hold out for over a year. At least I'm not that bad. He can also hold grudges like no one. I'm a bit like that, too. Does your DH also hold grudges for a long time? I find that this goes hand in hand.

48 hours is nothing for people like this. But, maybe you can ask for a compromise and say you will give him 48 hours to process the disagreement, then you need to talk.

GL

OP here. Thank you, it feels good to hear from someone that is also like him. He can hold grudges and things always resurface someway. Remember when you did this or said that. He holds me to everything I say or do. He lets nothing go. I am full blown the opposite and need to talk, need emotions, needs feelings. He is by the book, by rules and very analytical. He is not a bad guy, or husband. It is just that I think it is ok to sometimes disagree but he turns our disagreements into a character flaw. I do not think that is fair.

What does this mean? You will die, in the snap of a moment without these things? What does "needing" emotion or feeling look like? What does this mean beyond our general existing day to day on this Earth. I am at loss 100% of what you are talking about.

OP here. I never once said I would die without those things. During disagreements, he only wants to stick to facts., no matter how I "feel." I hope you are no longer lost by what I am saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I've been in relationships throughout my life where I felt abandoned and my partner's actions would regularly spark feelings of abandonment in me. I was convinced that I was overly sensitive and needed anti-anxiety meds or something to handle normal romantic relationships. But then I met my current partner, and in almost a year of being exclusive, I've never once felt "abandoned" by him. Unlike every other man I've been with, he is really great at "using his words" and kindly saying that he doesn't want to do X when I suggest it, or that he feels differently about a political issue. He disagrees with me often and he says no to things I want. But he does it in a way that makes it crystal clear that he 100% wants to be with me, and that this is just one small thing where we disagree. I imagine that if we disagreed about something like a child's education, he'd be the first to suggest that we set aside a few hours to really share with one another what is under the surface of our opinions.

My tendency is to argue my points and marshal evidence to make it clear that I'm "right" and he is great at calling me out on that, but in a gentle and loving way. I share all this to say that it's very possible that you're not necessarily too sensitive. But what does seem to be true is that you two handle your differences differently, and you might need to be the "adult" here who stops the negative cycle.

haha.. I'm a PP DW who is more like the DH.

This morning, DH said something about politics, and I disagreed with him, and he got mad because he said I always disagreed with whatever he says. I told him, "Yes, I disagree with you sometimes, and if you say something to me and I disagree with it, I will verbalize it".

DH is much more sensitive than I am sometimes. We do seem to have opposite roles (wife/husband) at times.

[Anonymous]

This is an abuse tactic.