husband and I handle disagreements differently. Need serious advice

[Anonymous]

"Anytime anyone starts a sentence with "I need' or "I want" that tells you all that you need to know. Others are not your emotional slaves. Yes even though "but he is MY husband!" He is not your possession.
"

WTF?!?! The most basic relationship skill needed for a successful marriage is the ability to express your wants and needs. Saying what you want and need is not tantamount to trying to make your spouse your emotional slave.

[Anonymous]

OP you are a terrible communicator. Already multiple posts by you in this thread, and yet you haven't indicated what the dispute about your childrens' education is actually about.

That's on you. You're a passive-aggressive manipulator who blames everyone else but themself for their problems. It was your husband's fault you got an abortion. It was your husband's fault you didn't take that great job. Etc.

The problem is you, OP.

[Anonymous]

If anybody required me to have a time limit I would push back and say nothing. Because I would feel like saying never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t like how he treats you after you disagree with him AND you are just going to do whatever he says anyway (he is the leader, apparently) then stop verbally disagreeing with him. He doesn’t care. You are talking just to talk. You know he doesn’t care what you want and you’ve shown him you don’t really value yourself so what’s the point? You got an abortion because he led you to it and you didn’t take a job because he led you to that decision. Why would you fighting about education be any different. Your views don’t matter and you aren’t going to do anything about it. He doesn’t want to listen to you. The silent treatment is your punishment. He can’t physically send you to your bedroom or not give you dessert but he can socially isolate you from the family and the marriage.

My advice would be to stop disagreeing with him OR do something about it.

Spot on. Take your power back OP. Get a job so you can support yourself to give yourself options to leave if you need to. Or just be a surrendered wife and deal with the consequences of having no voice, no power and (unfortunately for you) no respect in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Triangulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but you sound psychotic. You pick fights then pester him and want his reassurance after? What is wrong with you?

I do not pester or pick fights. I want reassurance, yes. What is wrong with me? I need being heard in my relationship. His views, opinions and what matters to him is more important than anyone or anything else. We need to discuss our childrens education. It can not be swept under the rug. I get it is DCUM and we love to point fingers at the poster but your view of me is not accurate. I value his space but I do not think 24 to 48 hours is reasonable amount of time to disconnect from your wife.

Anytime anyone starts a sentence with "I need' or "I want" that tells you all that you need to know. Others are not your emotional slaves. Yes even though "but he is MY husband!" He is not your possession.

OP here. I needed that. How do I provide my own reassurance then? Is that possible? I am not discounting what you are saying but you read me like a book. I require reassurance from him. I do not know how to provide it to myself.

Serious question: what kind of reassurance are you looking for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anybody required me to have a time limit I would push back and say nothing. Because I would feel like saying never.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t like how he treats you after you disagree with him AND you are just going to do whatever he says anyway (he is the leader, apparently) then stop verbally disagreeing with him. He doesn’t care. You are talking just to talk. You know he doesn’t care what you want and you’ve shown him you don’t really value yourself so what’s the point? You got an abortion because he led you to it and you didn’t take a job because he led you to that decision. Why would you fighting about education be any different. Your views don’t matter and you aren’t going to do anything about it. He doesn’t want to listen to you. The silent treatment is your punishment. He can’t physically send you to your bedroom or not give you dessert but he can socially isolate you from the family and the marriage.

My advice would be to stop disagreeing with him OR do something about it.

Spot on. Take your power back OP. Get a job so you can support yourself to give yourself options to leave if you need to. Or just be a surrendered wife and deal with the consequences of having no voice, no power and (unfortunately for you) no respect in your relationship.

The top PP said it better than I did pages ago but your options are leave or accept it.

[Anonymous]

"I’m still having a hard time imagining how many disagreements you can actually have about your kids’ education that this is such a problem."

I'm not OP, but I can think of plenty of things. A short list from my family's situation:

Should we have DC tested for learning disabilities? (Ex DH didn't believe in ADHD and

When DC is diagnosed as having ADHD, do we medicate?

Should we redshirt DC since they're the youngest kid in their class and in the lowest 15th percentile in height and weight?

Should we move DC into a private school where they can get more personal attention from the teachers and staff, or leave them in their large public school where they are flailing?

Should DC take a gap year before college so that they can mature for one more year before moving across the country?

Will being in school activities (which he's great at) help DC's self-confidence and improve his overall emotional state (which might improve his grades), or should DC do nothing else but focus on school to get his grades up?

[Anonymous]

I think OP you might mean comforting when you say reassurance. You can learn to comfort yourself, stop the panicky agitation, stop cycling up the fear. Babies learn to self soothe. You can too.

[Anonymous]

OP, seek out a DBT therapist for your sake and that of your kids. You need to learn to self soothe.

Once your moods are more stable, seek employment. Then you will have more options.

[Anonymous]

Honestly you two sound mismatched. I highly doubt you'll stay happily married to each other.

[Anonymous]

You should read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"

It really solved the communication issues between my DH and I. And since my DH was not the kind of person who reads self-help books or goes to joint therapy, I had to do it on my own. I made changes to the way I communicated with him. It was hard but now we have been happily married for 35 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"

It really solved the communication issues between my DH and I. And since my DH was not the kind of person who reads self-help books or goes to joint therapy, I had to do it on my own. I made changes to the way I communicated with him. It was hard but now we have been happily married for 35 years.

“My DH is a f***ing idiot. He wouldn’t do anything to help our marriage, so I did it all, and he’s remained the same. Were sooo happy!”
What TF kind of advice is this?