How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my baby but she’s a little over a year old and I don’t understand why anyone would do this again. It has gotten better every month but I still wouldn’t do it over again. Do some people actually like having babies or is it just that why grow up and you realize everything is a stage? People I know who gave birth around the same time as me have started to talk about having another and I can’t help but state stare at them like they have three heads. And I don’t work so I don’t have all that much to juggle, just taking care of my baby. Is it significantly easier with daycare? Considering going back to work and sending my child to childcare in the next year so I can get some adult time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAHA

Good luck with that, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is obviously an individual choice that is based on a myriad of different factors. In our case having three has been great. I’m my experience the best thing you can do for your child is to give them siblings. Also parenting is like everything else you get better with experience. We are much better parents for a third kid than we were for our first. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What a weird question. We only have one but it seems very obvious why people would want more.

[Anonymous]

It’s crazy to me how someone could feel complete with one kid. The more the merrier, I love the baby stage (toddler is hard for me). Everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my sibling and wanted my first to have a sibling too. And I was able to enjoy my second baby so much because I was no longer as nervous/worried.

Me too! I have two siblings but stopped at two kids total since I recognized my own limitations. I wouldn't be able to work full time and handle any additional kids. I assume that others have more time, energy, and/or ability to pay for help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is obviously an individual choice that is based on a myriad of different factors. In our case having three has been great. I’m my experience the best thing you can do for your child is to give them siblings. Also parenting is like everything else you get better with experience. We are much better parents for a third kid than we were for our first. Good luck.

This is an INSANE thing to say. I'm sure many people are happy to have siblings. But many are neutral to negative on it, and there are tons of other things I think are more important to provide a child with than a sibling. Like love and support and a safe home and an education and a sense of belonging. A sibling could be part of that (or, in another family, could actively get in the way of providing those things) but siblings are NOT the most essential thing you can give a child. That's bananas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

I felt this way and waited until my kid was 3 to even start trying for a second. My experience with my second baby was much more positive, FWIW.

I grew up with a sibling and didn't want an only child.

Mine are a lot older now and not only do I have zero regrets, I now get why people have 3 or more. I don't think I could have handled it. But it's the long view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Look, I'm a big believer that having kids can change you. Becoming a mom made me a more responsible person in a lot of ways. It also made me softer in someways, and stronger in other ways. Marriage also changed me. Relationships can help you work through your issues and that's good. I hope that your relationships with her kids helps you.

BUT if someone came to me and was like "I don't have kids yet but I'm super anxious and type A. So I was thinking I'll have 3 kids and that way none of my kids will get the brunt of my mental health issues and I can spread it around a bit. Good idea, yes?" Here is how I'd respond:

Put a pin in having kids at all. Take a year or two and see a therapist. Do some CBT to better understand your anxiety and control issues and come up with some tools for addressing them. Get to know yourself and see if you can make some progress. Then have one kid. Pay attention to how pregnancy and motherhood triggers your anxiety and control issues, keep up with therapy, get help if you need it. And take it from there. But no, I do not think you can solve your mental health issue by having 3 kids. I think you risk really screwing up your relationship with three children and not really getting any better yourself because you will be so busy raising three kids you won't have a lot of space in your life to address what is going on with you. I think you could spare both you and your future kids a lot of grief in the future if you instead focus on your mental health NOW, look for common sense solutions to these issues, and then keep it up as you grow your family with an eye always to what you can handle, what your anxiety triggers are, and how you makes space for healthy, productive solutions to mental health challenges.

[Anonymous]

Op I understand and its totally ok to be one and done.

[Anonymous]

I LOVED the baby phase. It was really hard for me to decide not to have a 3rd but I realized that I wanted a 3rd "baby" but a 3rd child would not be the right practical choice for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is obviously an individual choice that is based on a myriad of different factors. In our case having three has been great. I’m my experience the best thing you can do for your child is to give them siblings. Also parenting is like everything else you get better with experience. We are much better parents for a third kid than we were for our first. Good luck.

This is an INSANE thing to say. I'm sure many people are happy to have siblings. But many are neutral to negative on it, and there are tons of other things I think are more important to provide a child with than a sibling. Like love and support and a safe home and an education and a sense of belonging. A sibling could be part of that (or, in another family, could actively get in the way of providing those things) but siblings are NOT the most essential thing you can give a child. That's bananas.

You’re quite a literalist aren’t you? If someone says to you “ see you later alligator” do you correct them and let them know that you are indeed not an alligator?

If by “best thing” you meant the most “essential thing” - I would imagine that the answer would be oxygen. Oxygen is the most essential thing for a child.

But taking the previous poster’s statement in the spirit in which it was made - I think they have a point, siblings are very helpful to having a happy and well adjusted life.

[Anonymous]

I have four kids. The baby years are hard. I admit I didn’t really enjoy them until my third baby. I had lots of experience with older kids, though, and always wanted a big family. But for each baby, I didn’t feel ready to try until the older one was two years old. So mine are two years nine months apart!