Reply to That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH and I are two years post “moment of truth” where we went to marriage counseling and worked to resolve a lot of issues.  Mainly, his anger and hurtful actions, and my anger in return.

[b]We have a very nice, stable, middle class life.  We laugh a lot, we have sex, we have good friends.[/b]  We have what looks like a great marriage and life on the surface.

But scratch a bit, and deep inside, I’m very done with him.  Like when I imagine my future, he’s not in it.  I find myself counting down how many more years the kids are with us.  I used to fantasize about him dying or running off, so this is an improvement.  But I turn over and over in my mind the logistics of leaving, telling friends and family, etc.

I tell myself it’s time to forgive and move on.  I’m not actively miserable, either.  It’s just when I think about the marriage, I think “this isn’t working for me.”

Has anyone been through something like this?  What did you do in the end?[/quote]

Don’t ruin your life just because you are at the bottom of the “U” in the well-documented happiness curve.  It’s midlife.  Been there before you, similar kind of cr@p people go through in a long marriage in midlife.

So glad I came out the other end. Nobody will love your kids as much as you do, except for him.

See what you wrote  (bold above).  You have a good foundation. The fun and excitement can come back once kids are older.  It took me 4-5 years after “moment of truth” to be incredibly joyful and watching our kids together graduate high school and go to fantastic colleges, pride at what we built together. [/quote]

This is very good and insightful advice and I read it a lot here and I have gotten a lot of insightful comments that have given me food for thought.

I have been trying to tell myself the above for years and years now, even before DH and I started counseling.

Our issue has actually never been a lack of fun or excitement.  DH is actually a very fun, extroverted, popular person.  Unfortunately, he has always given his best self to others and saved his worst self for me.

But now, when I read the above, I have an actual physical reaction.  It’s like my entire body tenses up and the back of my mind says

NO.

A very strong no.  This worries me because it is so persistent.  There is no mental image I can conjure up of having a happy old age with this man anymore.  [/quote]

Yeah. I didn’t believe back when I was in the thick of it either.  I actually hated him for a few years and my heart turned to suu to one. You start only seeing the worst.  I don’t know when the shift was—but it was a combo of a bunch of things.  Kids getting to high school. Things letting up in stress areas at home. He started working at home too.  He really changed and when I saw that I t try ied my best to look at all the good. I easily could have tossed it all (I work)- but I would have missed all this. Iv content and we are close again.  Truly happy. 5 years ago I would have said no way.  I stayed for the kids and took it year by year. I did my best to start noticing the good. [/quote]

I hope you are right and time will tell, since I don’t have any intention of divorcing right now.  There is a lot of good to him and I do love him.

So that sounds great, right?  A very solid foundation.  I have hobbies and friends and things that make me happy regardless of the marriage.

So what is this nagging, lonely, bad feeling?  Why don’t I feel positive about the future?  Why haven’t I let some of the things that happened in the past go?  Why do I feel so detached from him?  I don’t know these answers.  I just don’t want to be married to him anymore.  It is hard to explain.[/quote]

New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling I think is because he has emotionally abused me in the past. I know people here like to say women are dramatic, but this was real. Once an officer saw DH talking to me and asked if I needed help. I have seen his real self and I know it can happen again. If this is OP, it sounds like you referred to some possible abuse from your DH as well. Once that happens it’s not safe anymore. [/quote]

OP here.  Yes, this rings true to me.  My best friend said the same thing- these feelings are a wall because I don’t feel safe.  It’s more than “I don’t like this annoying guy.”  I feel like our marriage counselor sort of glossed over my continued discomfort because, well, things were going fine.  We’re not actively arguing.  We travel, have fun, etc.  I was also sort of exhausted about talking about feelings and nothing we talked about made me feel any better.

But when he will have a setback or say something mean and it won’t bother me as much because I’ll think “I don’t have to deal with this forever,” not because I am actually letting it go or giving him grace.  I’m just biding my time.  But I’m also hoping that “I don’t have to deal with you forever” feeling subsides, like everyone says it will.[/quote]

Immediate PP here (I hadn’t read this post before) and this makes a lot of sense! You are protecting yourself. With that wall up, there’s likely very little real intimacy or connection.

It doesn’t sound like you’re divorcing him anytime soon, so I think it’s fine to just be aware of these feelings as they come up; don’t try to fight them. Maybe just approach it with curiosity about YOURSELF, which can work better than hashing out feelings about your marriage in therapy again and again. And you don’t have to promise anything - one day at a time is totally fine. You can always leave…that’s always a choice. Maybe that will ease the severity of your reaction to him.[/quote]

I am actually the immediate PP and this post above is not from me! My post is the one that started with "New PP here. For me, that nagging lonely feeling..."

I agree with much of what this PP said about not fighting her feelings, taking it one day at a time, etc. I do think in a situation where one person (OP) has dealt with abuse, you need to be careful about advising the abused person to be more curious about herself because that can lead down a road of her taking on too much ownership for her DH's behavior. That cycle of self-doubt keeps too many partners stuck in limbo.[/quote]

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