Reply to That “done” feeling- how long can it last?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  To answer the question of what he did that was so bad.  The reason I don’t post what he did was because he had a very real anger problem and the responses on this forum to any post about male anger devolve into “oh my god how did you marry someone like that?” or “I would be out the door” or “how could you have children with someone who treated you like that?” or “oh my god leave now he’s going to start hitting you.”

But that’s not where we are.  There’s no physical safety issue, nobody’s out of control, if he has an outburst it’s an anomaly borne out of stress.  He’s learned to cope with his anxiety or whatever led him to behave that way.

At one point, in counseling, he admitted that he would do things like yell at me or embarrass me in a store just because he could, because he knew I loved him and whatever he did, there would never be a consequence.  And the marriage counselor told him, well, you’re in marriage counseling and your marriage may end over this so are those enough consequences for you?  And to her that was a big moment for him to admit that but for me, I just thought “this dumb *******.”

On top of this he was also really, really mean, for many years.  He didn’t want to ever have sex, belittled me, made fun of me in front of friends, and then would say that he was “joking” and I was “way too sensitive.”  And just as suddenly he turned it around and became Mr. Nice Guy.  It’s all made me feel very crazy.

And that’s just where I am.  I do love him, and I can see how happy he makes our kids, but inside I sort of want to move on.  Once in awhile, like a pp says, I see “flashes” of that old person.  Other than changing his behavior, I’ve never felt contrition from him, but I don’t even know what I am looking for in that respect so maybe that is not fair.

Thank you to all the posters.  This has helped me, a lot, all of the viewpoints.  I feel much better and I have a lot to think about.[/quote]

I am DP of 08:00. My XH’s anxiety/trauma manifested much as you describe. Yelling, belittling, no sex, little emotional intimacy. It really wore away at any warm feelings I had towards him. He took it out on me because he could.

At one point about 3 years ago I told him I was done (for the fourth time in our marriage, probably — other times resulted in him seeking counseling or anger management, but it never led to lasting change). I finally meant it. He could tell and he said he wanted to start couples counseling. We went but he would get so dysregulated during sessions it was impossible. He began to get more freaked out that I was leaving and became increasingly paranoid until he began making false accusations against me, like that I was persecuting him and tried to kill him. That really was the last straw.

We saw several marriage counselors. It’s a mixed bag. Some are so determined to “save the marriage” they are not clear on abuse. Others did tell me to leave. I felt very guilty and duty bound. It wasn’t easy to end this marriage despite everything that happened. I just think you have been living in the fog of whatever personality disorder this is for so long that you’ve almost lost yourself, and that little voice inside of you is the self that is begging you to drop this for your own happiness. [/quote]

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