If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child, do you ever really move on?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Repeated CSA by a family member, alcoholic father, deceased sibling, divorced parents, lower middle class (i.e., we always had enough to eat but parents had to put one paycheck to the lights and the other one to the phone, couldn’t pay both at once).

I’m honestly good. Just celebrated 20th wedding anniversary, raising two boys with some challenges but we’re hanging in there, attended college (mine is first generation to graduate from college) and graduate school, have a good job.

I couldn’t say why I’m ok except I don’t remember much of my childhood and don’t think about it much. Both parents are deceased, so no reminders there. My siblings and I get along well, except 1 who is a little odd and standoffish.

Good luck finding peace, OP. Keep trying different things, maybe some even more than once.9

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No OP. I am a boomer and never went to counseling after being kidnapped and sexually assaulted by 2 dudes when I was a teen. I am emotionally dead.

That is horrific, PP. I am so sorry you endured that. It is never too late to work on the emotional fallout, if you decide you want to. Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

This is my life in a nutshell. Sometimes the realization that no one is coming is (literally) too much. Hugs to everyone who can relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child (parent murdered, sibling death, extreme physical or emotional abuse, victim of a sexual crime) do you think it’s actually possible to move past that?

I’m someone who experienced this and have been in counseling for most of my life. I am happily married with 2 wonderful children, many close friends, an active life, beautiful homes, well off.. and I am still just overtaken by the feelings of shame and sadness of my own childhood. It just lives inside of me and no amount of counseling or ssri seems to touch it. I obviously go about with my life and don’t discuss it with others aside from professionals but I just wonder if anyone has managed to truly let the past go. Still to this day, I just don’t feel comfortable or like I quite fit in or am understood by anyone. I feel like a fish out of water in every situation, even with my own family.

I couldn't get to this point until my early 40s. You seem to be coping better than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t. I sort of wonder if I will move on more when my parents die. I’m not hoping for them to die soon because there are good things about them being alive, but I do wonder if I might move on more easily when that chapter is closed.

PP, I wondered the same. When my father died (he was not the direct cause of trauma, but was associated with it), I wondered at first if I would feel a little more free of it. But ultimately, it didn't make any difference. Now I find myself wondering if I'll feel better when those directly responsible are dead, but I suspect that won't help any either. It's something inside me now and not out there anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have complex PTSD as a result of years of CSA. I did a lot of therapy. The one that has helped the most is OMST. I did three months of it initially. I do it periodically when my symptoms reemerge.

I would say that my 40s and so far my 50s, I have mostly been happy. But I’ve also led a different adult life than the one my childhood self imagined as an escape. It took so long to get to the place of safety.

My children are happy. I have a good second marriage. I think I’ve moved on enough that my life doesn’t feel ruined. But I fought like hell to get here.

NP here. Can you say more about OMST? I've never heard of it before. I googled it and what I am seeing is mostly aimed at kids and ppl with brain injuries. How did it help you? Any provider you'd recommend?

In contrast to EMDR, you don’t have to actively do anything during OMST other than keep your eyes open. That’s why it works with little kids. I think that’s why it worked for me.

I was in a study of trauma survivors because adults who experienced trauma can have memories reawaken during OMST. Normally, these patients are too dysregulated to push through at the time. The study was to see what happened if patients did push through.

It rewired my brain. I am much less reactive to smells and touches I associate with the abuse. Even my memories of the abuse are slightly fuzzier and less triggering.

[Anonymous]

I experienced profound trauma as a child and very young adult: physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse and poverty (when I became independent at 18). I am generally okay, but it’s been a very long road checkered with self-sabotage and bad relationships and substance abuse. I am sober now and married to a wonderful man, both of which are invaluable in my ability to maintain health and well-being.

I do everything in my power to protect my children’s innocence and peace, because I know how difficult life has been for me without this foundation.

[Anonymous]

The crazy thing about this thread to me is that I would never do a lot of the potentially helpful things people mention because it would mean telling someone what happened, and I would never do that. And it's been 40 years. I wonder to what extent we could be divided into two groups - those who can talk about it and those who are too ashamed - and what effect that has on the possibility of moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

Wow - this is me down to the detail, plus I just got diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. Still, nobody is coming to save me or help me, definitely not the narcissistic mom and co-dependent dad that live just miles away, or the abusive STBX.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Repeated CSA by a family member, alcoholic father, deceased sibling, divorced parents, lower middle class (i.e., we always had enough to eat but parents had to put one paycheck to the lights and the other one to the phone, couldn’t pay both at once).

I’m honestly good. Just celebrated 20th wedding anniversary, raising two boys with some challenges but we’re hanging in there, attended college (mine is first generation to graduate from college) and graduate school, have a good job.

I couldn’t say why I’m ok except I don’t remember much of my childhood and don’t think about it much. Both parents are deceased, so no reminders there. My siblings and I get along well, except 1 who is a little odd and standoffish.

Good luck finding peace, OP. Keep trying different things, maybe some even more than once.9

I was like you until I remembered. It was overwhelming and nearly ruined me. Thankfully, I drew strength from the life and family I created. I am processing and managing the emotions on my own and am doing well. If I could survive what I did as a child and young teen, my adult self can handle the emotional fallout from those experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t. I sort of wonder if I will move on more when my parents die. I’m not hoping for them to die soon because there are good things about them being alive, but I do wonder if I might move on more easily when that chapter is closed.

PP, I wondered the same. When my father died (he was not the direct cause of trauma, but was associated with it), I wondered at first if I would feel a little more free of it. But ultimately, it didn't make any difference. Now I find myself wondering if I'll feel better when those directly responsible are dead, but I suspect that won't help any either. It's something inside me now and not out there anywhere.

Dp. I am certain I will find peace and, perhaps satisfaction and joy, when the person who abused and stalked me is dead. I am high functioning, in terms of mental health, but I always look over my shoulder and scan places expecting to see him. That sense of being followed and watched seldom leaves me. Once he is dead, the possibility that he is around the corner goes away and I'll know it is really over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The crazy thing about this thread to me is that I would never do a lot of the potentially helpful things people mention because it would mean telling someone what happened, and I would never do that. And it's been 40 years. I wonder to what extent we could be divided into two groups - those who can talk about it and those who are too ashamed - and what effect that has on the possibility of moving on.

I straddle the line of telling/not telling. I don't know if shame is at play or if it is fear that someone I tell would use it against me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was an angry alcoholic who never wanted to be a parent and my mother made excuses for him but I remember being ashamed that he didn’t attend my functions, didn’t do the volunteering that the other parents did, being ashamed that he would nt spend money on us and so I was always dressed inappropriately, having to lie about what we did on school breaks because we did nothing, having to lie about not having something because he broke it, being embarrassed when he called cruel nicknames in public in front of people and laughed about it. Even as an adult there are moments when people mention visiting their folks or something and you have to decide what to say about why you rarely see them. And the inner child stuff says when you are really young it’s easier to believe that you were bad and deserved to be punished rather than accepting that you were simply given a crappy possibly evil parent when others were given kind loving ones. That then sticks with you leading to chronic shame. We are currently at a beautiful beachfront resort and I always struggle with feeling like I don’t deserve a vacation because I haven’t worked hard enough and it’s wasteful.

I recently heard a saying, "abused children don't stop loving their parents, they start hating themselves." Please enjoy your vacation, you deserve all good things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The crazy thing about this thread to me is that I would never do a lot of the potentially helpful things people mention because it would mean telling someone what happened, and I would never do that. And it's been 40 years. I wonder to what extent we could be divided into two groups - those who can talk about it and those who are too ashamed - and what effect that has on the possibility of moving on.

Why won't you tell someone? Even a therapist? They won't judge you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The crazy thing about this thread to me is that I would never do a lot of the potentially helpful things people mention because it would mean telling someone what happened, and I would never do that. And it's been 40 years. I wonder to what extent we could be divided into two groups - those who can talk about it and those who are too ashamed - and what effect that has on the possibility of moving on.

Why won't you tell someone? Even a therapist? They won't judge you.

Not PP, but shame is a very powerful silencer. And someone being a therapist is not a guarantee that they will respond appropriately.

That said, I urge the PP to consider someday trying it. My counselor never pushed or prodded me to share more, but was there when I had enough trust to take baby steps towards it. We have spent most of our time together navigating the symptoms of what happened, not the story of it.