If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child, do you ever really move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

I could have written this word for word. OMG.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t. I sort of wonder if I will move on more when my parents die. I’m not hoping for them to die soon because there are good things about them being alive, but I do wonder if I might move on more easily when that chapter is closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we can move on while not being fully healed. I am so grateful for my present life with my wonderful husband and kids but sometimes I can still kind of go off on a tangent thinking about the past, sometimes in a ptsd way. One thing that helps me rationally is the knowledge that in the slightly deeper human past —before 1950 or so— pretty much everyone endured these traumas of siblings, parents and others dying young in awful ways. Emotionally humans are built to handle it. Although sometimes that way of thinking has the opposite effect, precisely because in modern America it feels so unusual/unfair when our peers seems insulated and protected somehow. Mine was a public tragedy/scandal that made my grieving family a pariah state and I still struggle with that — being so hurt and destroyed and getting laughed at and shunned at the same time. I remind myself that it motivated me to kick a$$ in school, attend HYP and give myself another shot at happiness. Otherwise I might have been all too content with mediocrity. My kids might not get into Harvard but it is soooo not worth having my kind of, um, “narrative.”

Such a good post. Yes, it's helpful to know that for most of history, traumatic events were a part of everyday life for everybody. And people found ways to cope, people are built to endure these kinds of trauma and they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

I too love the crappy childhood fairy! Also, have you checked out Kristen Neff? Her book helped me a lot. I send you hugs and wish you well!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

I too love the crappy childhood fairy! Also, have you checked out Kristen Neff? Her book helped me a lot. I send you hugs and wish you well!!

dp. Kristen Neff is the authority on self-compassion. I also follow Dr. Glenn Doyle on fb. His website, useyourdamntools is good, too. He posts a lot of helpful blurbs, blogs and videos which address trauma and addiction recovery.

[Anonymous]

Also a lot of time people believe that expensive out of network therapist are better. The best I found was in network and very cheap.

This was true for me, too--I found an LPC with experience in attachment issues, not specifically PTSD, which turned out to be a good match for my needs.

OP, I have had to come to terms with the fact that this isn't something I "move on" from, but rather something I move on WITH. I can't make all the symptoms and memories go away, but I can definitely work on bringing my current self out more so that those are only a piece of what is happening for me at a given moment.

I have good days and bad days, but what has changed is I don't feel like the bad days are never going to end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

I could have written this word for word. OMG.

Me, too. To the original poster of the above, can you talk a little bit more about how you experience "body dysregulation"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

I too relate to so much of this. Thank you for saying all this so clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

I too relate to so much of this. Thank you for saying all this so clearly.

Sending good energy to you!

[Anonymous]

Such a good post. Yes, it's helpful to know that for most of history, traumatic events were a part of everyday life for everybody. And people found ways to cope, people are built to endure these kinds of trauma and they do.

I don't know, the ways I have found to endure my trauma are pretty horrific. I'm glad I survived, and I continue to fight every day for better for myself, but plenty of people in history were equally soul-destroyed by their traumas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

Thank you so much for this post, PP. I see you, and I want to let you know that you are not alone with your feelings. I can run on forever - my system runs on just doing everything to be a good girl and please other and then collapsing, wondering why no one can ever see how depressed I am, how hard I’m struggling, just helping me. Why I can’t be fixed. I waver between years of feeling better, and then, like the last year - always having the suicide hotline # ready. I just feel like no one else has to work so damn hard all the time just to feel normal.

Please hang in there… know that when you share your story, like you did here, it helps others.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so, so sorry. I am so happy though to read you are in a good marriage with wonderful children and you have great friends. I am cheering you on from afar.

My trauma is milder-extreme emotional and verbal abuse growing up from a parent, a sibling who was determined to destroy me, the sibling who I was very close to died, sexual harassment at work and then retaliation when I reported it and more, but nothing like what you experienced. I do relate to what you write though.

I feel like a broken plate that was glued back together seemingly well and is still usable every day, but if you look closely you see the break points. I do feel tremendous shame, sadness and self blame. I did find out my harrasser lost his job years later because enough people came forward, but he eventually got a better job. The sibling faced many consequences when she found new targets once I distanced in adulthood. The abusive parent has faced many consequences, but that is so complicated because I do love that parent and it was not all abuse-there was a cycle with good and loving interactions too.

I still feel like a fish out of water, but I also find I have faced so much pain that so many little moments in life uplift me that others may not notice. I also feel tremendous gratitude to be in a good marriage where I feel safe and loved and to also have such wonderful kids. I have seen so much darkness and the pain lives in me, but as cheesy as it sounds it helps me savor every bit of light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

Thank you so much for this post, PP. I see you, and I want to let you know that you are not alone with your feelings. I can run on forever - my system runs on just doing everything to be a good girl and please other and then collapsing, wondering why no one can ever see how depressed I am, how hard I’m struggling, just helping me. Why I can’t be fixed. I waver between years of feeling better, and then, like the last year - always having the suicide hotline # ready. I just feel like no one else has to work so damn hard all the time just to feel normal.

Please hang in there… know that when you share your story, like you did here, it helps others.

I just posted before I saw this. I want you to know this stranger on the internet is secretly praying for you and cheering you on too along with praying for and cheering on OP. I related so much to "my system runs on just doing everything to be a good girl and please others and then collapsing..."

[Anonymous]

No OP. I am a boomer and never went to counseling after being kidnapped and sexually assaulted by 2 dudes when I was a teen. I am emotionally dead.

[Anonymous]

I like what the person said above, you move on with it. I did have a parent commit suicide, my surviving parent falling into a deep depression which made her vulnerable to a spouse that sexually and physically abused me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very angry. But all that generational trauma pushed me to leave my cycle. I am not in the best cycle, that's for sure. I have anxiety and I am very hard on myself. I can really speak down to myself. I relate to the poster wanting a mom, that is all I ever wanted for the longest time. The feeling of being safe, putting my head in my mother's lap and having her stroke my hair. I was extremely embarrassed as a child that I had a parent commit suicide. Most people don't know how to respond and a lot of people ask why. It took me a long time to understand how mentally ill someone must be to feel the world is better off without them. How sad my father must have felt to think my life would be better without him in it. As a parent now, it hurts my heart that he felt that way. I can't imagine but also the generational trauma he had was severe too.

I married young the first time. He physically abused me so that was an issue. I left and had a few toxic relationships but I met my current husband and he did provide stability and safety for me. I have repaired my relationship with my mother, as a mother myself I have come to understand that she was not able to beat her generational trauma. I have learned about her childhood from her and my aunt.

Mostly I've healed by understanding my expectations were out of reach for my parents that struggled mentally themselves. And yes, a parent should protect their children but it wasn't that they didn't love me enough to protect me but more they were fighting their own demons to see outside of their internal battles.

I definitely do carry PTSD with me. I tend to shut down when people yell because of my stepfather always screaming at me as a kid. I have a tad of anger issues. I'm very independent to the point where I rather not ask for help because I never had anyone to help me growing up. And it can be something dumb like changing a tire. I will scream and cry and kick a flat tire, but I would change it myself. That being said, now I can call a service to do that for me as cars don't carry spares anymore.

I have a lot of shortcomings but overall I do love the person I am. I couldn't be that person without all of that trauma. I have so much unconditional love for my children and I try to view myself as the person they see. I am strong, kind and beautiful but sometimes I yell too much.

I know many people that had amazing upbringings and have many more struggles than me. No one is without struggles.

I also lift weights and am overall fairly strong because no one will ever hit me again without a fight.

You are worthy, you are beautiful with all the scars under the surface. Give yourself grace.