If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child, do you ever really move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like what the person said above, you move on with it. I did have a parent commit suicide, my surviving parent falling into a deep depression which made her vulnerable to a spouse that sexually and physically abused me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very angry. But all that generational trauma pushed me to leave my cycle. I am not in the best cycle, that's for sure. I have anxiety and I am very hard on myself. I can really speak down to myself. I relate to the poster wanting a mom, that is all I ever wanted for the longest time. The feeling of being safe, putting my head in my mother's lap and having her stroke my hair. I was extremely embarrassed as a child that I had a parent commit suicide. Most people don't know how to respond and a lot of people ask why. It took me a long time to understand how mentally ill someone must be to feel the world is better off without them. How sad my father must have felt to think my life would be better without him in it. As a parent now, it hurts my heart that he felt that way. I can't imagine but also the generational trauma he had was severe too.

I married young the first time. He physically abused me so that was an issue. I left and had a few toxic relationships but I met my current husband and he did provide stability and safety for me. I have repaired my relationship with my mother, as a mother myself I have come to understand that she was not able to beat her generational trauma. I have learned about her childhood from her and my aunt.

Mostly I've healed by understanding my expectations were out of reach for my parents that struggled mentally themselves. And yes, a parent should protect their children but it wasn't that they didn't love me enough to protect me but more they were fighting their own demons to see outside of their internal battles.

I definitely do carry PTSD with me. I tend to shut down when people yell because of my stepfather always screaming at me as a kid. I have a tad of anger issues. I'm very independent to the point where I rather not ask for help because I never had anyone to help me growing up. And it can be something dumb like changing a tire. I will scream and cry and kick a flat tire, but I would change it myself. That being said, now I can call a service to do that for me as cars don't carry spares anymore.

I have a lot of shortcomings but overall I do love the person I am. I couldn't be that person without all of that trauma. I have so much unconditional love for my children and I try to view myself as the person they see. I am strong, kind and beautiful but sometimes I yell too much.

I know many people that had amazing upbringings and have many more struggles than me. No one is without struggles.

I also lift weights and am overall fairly strong because no one will ever hit me again without a fight.

You are worthy, you are beautiful with all the scars under the surface. Give yourself grace.

These are serious problem that betray EVERYTHING else you said about how you love yourself so much and love your children unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like what the person said above, you move on with it. I did have a parent commit suicide, my surviving parent falling into a deep depression which made her vulnerable to a spouse that sexually and physically abused me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very angry. But all that generational trauma pushed me to leave my cycle. I am not in the best cycle, that's for sure. I have anxiety and I am very hard on myself. I can really speak down to myself. I relate to the poster wanting a mom, that is all I ever wanted for the longest time. The feeling of being safe, putting my head in my mother's lap and having her stroke my hair. I was extremely embarrassed as a child that I had a parent commit suicide. Most people don't know how to respond and a lot of people ask why. It took me a long time to understand how mentally ill someone must be to feel the world is better off without them. How sad my father must have felt to think my life would be better without him in it. As a parent now, it hurts my heart that he felt that way. I can't imagine but also the generational trauma he had was severe too.

I married young the first time. He physically abused me so that was an issue. I left and had a few toxic relationships but I met my current husband and he did provide stability and safety for me. I have repaired my relationship with my mother, as a mother myself I have come to understand that she was not able to beat her generational trauma. I have learned about her childhood from her and my aunt.

Mostly I've healed by understanding my expectations were out of reach for my parents that struggled mentally themselves. And yes, a parent should protect their children but it wasn't that they didn't love me enough to protect me but more they were fighting their own demons to see outside of their internal battles.

I definitely do carry PTSD with me. I tend to shut down when people yell because of my stepfather always screaming at me as a kid. I have a tad of anger issues. I'm very independent to the point where I rather not ask for help because I never had anyone to help me growing up. And it can be something dumb like changing a tire. I will scream and cry and kick a flat tire, but I would change it myself. That being said, now I can call a service to do that for me as cars don't carry spares anymore.

I have a lot of shortcomings but overall I do love the person I am. I couldn't be that person without all of that trauma. I have so much unconditional love for my children and I try to view myself as the person they see. I am strong, kind and beautiful but sometimes I yell too much.

I know many people that had amazing upbringings and have many more struggles than me. No one is without struggles.

I also lift weights and am overall fairly strong because no one will ever hit me again without a fight.

You are worthy, you are beautiful with all the scars under the surface. Give yourself grace.

These are serious problem that betray EVERYTHING else you said about how you love yourself so much and love your children unconditionally.

Not the person you are responding to,but I completely disagree. This person has self-awareness. I am assuming to works to manage anger and when she yells too much at your kids she takes ownership and has accountability. Leave her alone. I am generation X and most people I knew had parents with far more than a tad of anger issues and they yelled on a regular basis, many spanked. This poster would be considered a very mild, pleasant and unusually self-aware parent for our parent's generation.

[Anonymous]

First, OP you are not alone.

My mother seems to have moved on. She experienced many forms of abuse in her childhood and was injured badly in an accident (eventually fully recovered). She’s very Christian but seems to have found a lot of happiness in this life. And all of us kids had a nice childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like what the person said above, you move on with it. I did have a parent commit suicide, my surviving parent falling into a deep depression which made her vulnerable to a spouse that sexually and physically abused me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very angry. But all that generational trauma pushed me to leave my cycle. I am not in the best cycle, that's for sure. I have anxiety and I am very hard on myself. I can really speak down to myself. I relate to the poster wanting a mom, that is all I ever wanted for the longest time. The feeling of being safe, putting my head in my mother's lap and having her stroke my hair. I was extremely embarrassed as a child that I had a parent commit suicide. Most people don't know how to respond and a lot of people ask why. It took me a long time to understand how mentally ill someone must be to feel the world is better off without them. How sad my father must have felt to think my life would be better without him in it. As a parent now, it hurts my heart that he felt that way. I can't imagine but also the generational trauma he had was severe too.

I married young the first time. He physically abused me so that was an issue. I left and had a few toxic relationships but I met my current husband and he did provide stability and safety for me. I have repaired my relationship with my mother, as a mother myself I have come to understand that she was not able to beat her generational trauma. I have learned about her childhood from her and my aunt.

Mostly I've healed by understanding my expectations were out of reach for my parents that struggled mentally themselves. And yes, a parent should protect their children but it wasn't that they didn't love me enough to protect me but more they were fighting their own demons to see outside of their internal battles.

I definitely do carry PTSD with me. I tend to shut down when people yell because of my stepfather always screaming at me as a kid. I have a tad of anger issues. I'm very independent to the point where I rather not ask for help because I never had anyone to help me growing up. And it can be something dumb like changing a tire. I will scream and cry and kick a flat tire, but I would change it myself. That being said, now I can call a service to do that for me as cars don't carry spares anymore.

I have a lot of shortcomings but overall I do love the person I am. I couldn't be that person without all of that trauma. I have so much unconditional love for my children and I try to view myself as the person they see. I am strong, kind and beautiful but sometimes I yell too much.

I know many people that had amazing upbringings and have many more struggles than me. No one is without struggles.

I also lift weights and am overall fairly strong because no one will ever hit me again without a fight.

You are worthy, you are beautiful with all the scars under the surface. Give yourself grace.

These are serious problem that betray EVERYTHING else you said about how you love yourself so much and love your children unconditionally.

It’s the rare parent who doesn’t yell sometimes. At least OP is working on it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is.

I experienced several of these in my lifetime and have been able to move past them via learning active coping strategies. They don’t haunt me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child (parent murdered, sibling death, extreme physical or emotional abuse, victim of a sexual crime) do you think it’s actually possible to move past that?

I’m someone who experienced this and have been in counseling for most of my life. I am happily married with 2 wonderful children, many close friends, an active life, beautiful homes, well off.. and I am still just overtaken by the feelings of shame and sadness of my own childhood. It just lives inside of me and no amount of counseling or ssri seems to touch it. I obviously go about with my life and don’t discuss it with others aside from professionals but I just wonder if anyone has managed to truly let the past go. Still to this day, I just don’t feel comfortable or like I quite fit in or am understood by anyone. I feel like a fish out of water in every situation, even with my own family.

Yes. What helped me the most was to realize 1) these are experiences I went through, but they don't define me, and 2) I now know how to relate to others who have gone through similar horrors, and can help them to also see that they aren't defined by their trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like what the person said above, you move on with it. I did have a parent commit suicide, my surviving parent falling into a deep depression which made her vulnerable to a spouse that sexually and physically abused me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very angry. But all that generational trauma pushed me to leave my cycle. I am not in the best cycle, that's for sure. I have anxiety and I am very hard on myself. I can really speak down to myself. I relate to the poster wanting a mom, that is all I ever wanted for the longest time. The feeling of being safe, putting my head in my mother's lap and having her stroke my hair. I was extremely embarrassed as a child that I had a parent commit suicide. Most people don't know how to respond and a lot of people ask why. It took me a long time to understand how mentally ill someone must be to feel the world is better off without them. How sad my father must have felt to think my life would be better without him in it. As a parent now, it hurts my heart that he felt that way. I can't imagine but also the generational trauma he had was severe too.

I married young the first time. He physically abused me so that was an issue. I left and had a few toxic relationships but I met my current husband and he did provide stability and safety for me. I have repaired my relationship with my mother, as a mother myself I have come to understand that she was not able to beat her generational trauma. I have learned about her childhood from her and my aunt.

Mostly I've healed by understanding my expectations were out of reach for my parents that struggled mentally themselves. And yes, a parent should protect their children but it wasn't that they didn't love me enough to protect me but more they were fighting their own demons to see outside of their internal battles.

I definitely do carry PTSD with me. I tend to shut down when people yell because of my stepfather always screaming at me as a kid. I have a tad of anger issues. I'm very independent to the point where I rather not ask for help because I never had anyone to help me growing up. And it can be something dumb like changing a tire. I will scream and cry and kick a flat tire, but I would change it myself. That being said, now I can call a service to do that for me as cars don't carry spares anymore.

I have a lot of shortcomings but overall I do love the person I am. I couldn't be that person without all of that trauma. I have so much unconditional love for my children and I try to view myself as the person they see. I am strong, kind and beautiful but sometimes I yell too much.

I know many people that had amazing upbringings and have many more struggles than me. No one is without struggles.

I also lift weights and am overall fairly strong because no one will ever hit me again without a fight.

You are worthy, you are beautiful with all the scars under the surface. Give yourself grace.

These are serious problem that betray EVERYTHING else you said about how you love yourself so much and love your children unconditionally.

No. Unconditional love doesn’t mean perfection. None of us are perfect parents.

[Anonymous]

The past never really leaves us, but the older you get, the more it fades, like any memory it fades and gets quieter. However, when you are old you can look back onto your entire long life and see all of the damage it's done.

[Anonymous]

It's a process for sure. I don't think there's a slam-dunk moment in my future, like a "whew, glad THAT's something I never have to think of again" ... but I am deeply content, I experience joy on a regular basis, I am in awe of my incredible husband and kids--I fully recognize that my life is worlds better than any future I could have dreamed of when I was a kid. I am so thankful to be alive and able to give/receive love.

That being said: I often need to address things that pop up within myself, which I think is normal to a certain extent--especially as a parent. It seems like every time my kids reach a new age/stage I need to do a little digging to see what emotional reactions I'm having and if they're rooted in a healthy or unhealthy place, if that makes sense.

I did EMDR about 10 years ago and it was super helpful for me up to a point. It was most effective during specific memories/instances that I needed to recategorize--like, specific things that I found awful or terrifying as a child. But it didn't address everything for me.

Over the last year+ I've worked with a trauma specialist and I've done a lot of inner child work with him. That's been really healing and eye-opening. There is something deeply wonderful about meeting "myself" at various younger ages and providing the unconditional love and care that I didn't receive at that time. It's allowed me to realize so many things: that I was just a kid, that kids aren't responsible for adult actions and decisions, that ALL kids deserve love and care just like I would give to my own children. Some of that parentification ... and just carrying the burdens of my family of origin ... ran very very deep with me and the inner child stuff is actually addressing it on that deep level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like what the person said above, you move on with it. I did have a parent commit suicide, my surviving parent falling into a deep depression which made her vulnerable to a spouse that sexually and physically abused me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very angry. But all that generational trauma pushed me to leave my cycle. I am not in the best cycle, that's for sure. I have anxiety and I am very hard on myself. I can really speak down to myself. I relate to the poster wanting a mom, that is all I ever wanted for the longest time. The feeling of being safe, putting my head in my mother's lap and having her stroke my hair. I was extremely embarrassed as a child that I had a parent commit suicide. Most people don't know how to respond and a lot of people ask why. It took me a long time to understand how mentally ill someone must be to feel the world is better off without them. How sad my father must have felt to think my life would be better without him in it. As a parent now, it hurts my heart that he felt that way. I can't imagine but also the generational trauma he had was severe too.

I married young the first time. He physically abused me so that was an issue. I left and had a few toxic relationships but I met my current husband and he did provide stability and safety for me. I have repaired my relationship with my mother, as a mother myself I have come to understand that she was not able to beat her generational trauma. I have learned about her childhood from her and my aunt.

Mostly I've healed by understanding my expectations were out of reach for my parents that struggled mentally themselves. And yes, a parent should protect their children but it wasn't that they didn't love me enough to protect me but more they were fighting their own demons to see outside of their internal battles.

I definitely do carry PTSD with me. I tend to shut down when people yell because of my stepfather always screaming at me as a kid. I have a tad of anger issues. I'm very independent to the point where I rather not ask for help because I never had anyone to help me growing up. And it can be something dumb like changing a tire. I will scream and cry and kick a flat tire, but I would change it myself. That being said, now I can call a service to do that for me as cars don't carry spares anymore.

I have a lot of shortcomings but overall I do love the person I am. I couldn't be that person without all of that trauma. I have so much unconditional love for my children and I try to view myself as the person they see. I am strong, kind and beautiful but sometimes I yell too much.

I know many people that had amazing upbringings and have many more struggles than me. No one is without struggles.

I also lift weights and am overall fairly strong because no one will ever hit me again without a fight.

You are worthy, you are beautiful with all the scars under the surface. Give yourself grace.

These are serious problem that betray EVERYTHING else you said about how you love yourself so much and love your children unconditionally.

No. Unconditional love doesn’t mean perfection. None of us are perfect parents.

dp. I aim for good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.


I could have written this word for word. OMG.


Me too 😳

A small part of me heals when I realize I’m not alone.

Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

I agree that reading this thread is life-giving.

Relate so much to the CPTSD poster, and I too feel my anxiety in my body, so I’m going to work on doing a somatic program this year. Dr. Nicole LaPera is talking about lot about the eldest daughter and I believe is working on a book about it, if that interests anyone. My mom is one too, which makes me feel more compassionate toward both of us.

I’m going to check out the other recommendations.

((Hugs everyone))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

I just want to say how touching I found your post and how moving it was to see your words resonate with the experiences of so many on this board. It inspires me to be the best mother I can be to my own children to help them feel safe and loved, regardless of my own upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Why do you feel shame, OP? Do you mean the feeling of putting others in a situation where they’re uncomfortable and don’t know what to say? Or you fear that they’ll judge you negatively when they find out?

[Anonymous]

My father was an angry alcoholic who never wanted to be a parent and my mother made excuses for him but I remember being ashamed that he didn’t attend my functions, didn’t do the volunteering that the other parents did, being ashamed that he would nt spend money on us and so I was always dressed inappropriately, having to lie about what we did on school breaks because we did nothing, having to lie about not having something because he broke it, being embarrassed when he called cruel nicknames in public in front of people and laughed about it. Even as an adult there are moments when people mention visiting their folks or something and you have to decide what to say about why you rarely see them. And the inner child stuff says when you are really young it’s easier to believe that you were bad and deserved to be punished rather than accepting that you were simply given a crappy possibly evil parent when others were given kind loving ones. That then sticks with you leading to chronic shame. We are currently at a beautiful beachfront resort and I always struggle with feeling like I don’t deserve a vacation because I haven’t worked hard enough and it’s wasteful.