If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child, do you ever really move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child (parent murdered, sibling death, extreme physical or emotional abuse, victim of a sexual crime) do you think it’s actually possible to move past that?

I’m someone who experienced this and have been in counseling for most of my life. I am happily married with 2 wonderful children, many close friends, an active life, beautiful homes, well off.. and I am still just overtaken by the feelings of shame and sadness of my own childhood. It just lives inside of me and no amount of counseling or ssri seems to touch it. I obviously go about with my life and don’t discuss it with others aside from professionals but I just wonder if anyone has managed to truly let the past go. Still to this day, I just don’t feel comfortable or like I quite fit in or am understood by anyone. I feel like a fish out of water in every situation, even with my own family.

I have complex PTSD as a result of years of CSA. I did a lot of therapy. The one that has helped the most is OMST. I did three months of it initially. I do it periodically when my symptoms reemerge.

I would say that my 40s and so far my 50s, I have mostly been happy. But I’ve also led a different adult life than the one my childhood self imagined as an escape. It took so long to get to the place of safety.

My children are happy. I have a good second marriage. I think I’ve moved on enough that my life doesn’t feel ruined. But I fought like hell to get here.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t been able to completely get over it, at least not yet. I have to keep fighting to not sink into a depression. There are still so many days I feel completely broken and disconnected for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure. I have major trust issues that stem from being emotionally neglected from the time I was born. Later there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from both parents and sexual abuse from my dad.
Outwardly, if you don't get too close to me, I probably seem very successful, talented,, smart.... but it's hard for me to let my guard down. I do feel like I'll always be a little damaged.

I just hope my DS will have a normal life. I think I've done the best I could to make sure he feels loved. He has a lot of very good and kind friends and he's a good person himself so I think I've done a good job. Once he's launched, I might work on myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have complex PTSD as a result of years of CSA. I did a lot of therapy. The one that has helped the most is OMST. I did three months of it initially. I do it periodically when my symptoms reemerge.

I would say that my 40s and so far my 50s, I have mostly been happy. But I’ve also led a different adult life than the one my childhood self imagined as an escape. It took so long to get to the place of safety.

My children are happy. I have a good second marriage. I think I’ve moved on enough that my life doesn’t feel ruined. But I fought like hell to get here.

NP here. Can you say more about OMST? I've never heard of it before. I googled it and what I am seeing is mostly aimed at kids and ppl with brain injuries. How did it help you? Any provider you'd recommend?

[Anonymous]

I was born in a war torn country by the age of 5 I had seen unimaginable poverty and human suffering. My parents were detached, unavailable, self focused, and neglectful toward me. My mother treated me at best like her annoying little sister and my father objectified me when it suited him, otherwise I was invisible to them. I grew up feeling unsafe, alone, unwanted and uncared for and haven’t been able to completely shake all that off yet. I also married an abusive alcoholic which made everything so much worse for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if it is one thing, one time, it is probably possible to move on eventually. But things that are long term, that went on for years or even longer, can be hard to move past. I can't. It feels like it's become a part of me, and I can't move past it anymore than I can move past being me.

Same. I am so sorry other posters have similar experiences. It helps to know I am not alone but at the same time it hurts to know other's share similar pain. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if it is one thing, one time, it is probably possible to move on eventually. But things that are long term, that went on for years or even longer, can be hard to move past. I can't. It feels like it's become a part of me, and I can't move past it anymore than I can move past being me.

Agree 100%. Complex trauma that goes on for years and years is much harder to overcome.

[Anonymous]

Not really...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it is one thing, one time, it is probably possible to move on eventually. But things that are long term, that went on for years or even longer, can be hard to move past. I can't. It feels like it's become a part of me, and I can't move past it anymore than I can move past being me.

Agree 100%. Complex trauma that goes on for years and years is much harder to overcome.

But some people do. I don’t want to invalidate anyone’s experience, but it is possible to move forward and lead a positive life even after long term sustained trauma, and/or multiple traumas.

[Anonymous]

ayhuasca. ketamine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is possible. One of the biggest problems is that different modalities work for different people, but treatments go in and out of fashion. I was lucky that I began serious therapy in my mid twenties when accessing quality psychiatry was much easier. Talk therapy helped me tremendously, as have medication and meditation. It took a long time to find the right medications for me, and they’re not in fashion now. If I didn’t have the right treatment for my PTSD, I’d still be a hostage to it.

EMDR didn’t help me, but I’ve seen it work with amazing speed and efficacy for others.

What does moving on mean to you? For me, it’s not having flashbacks, not having anxiety and hyper vigilance, sleeping. I don’t know quite how to articulate the final piece, but it’s something to do with self knowledge, with feeling like a person.

It didn't help me either. I'm glad I tried it, but it didn't work for me.

[Anonymous]

EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

Sending you a virtual hug for getting through the day today.

[Anonymous]

I found a lovely Mysore studio years ago (now closed). Practicing yoga in silence six mornings a week was transformative.

It was a safe space to become aware of the way I stored pain in my entire body, not just my mind. The practice also helped to release a deep tension and sense of unease/fear.

There are other types of moving meditation they may support your own work. I appreciated focusing on awareness because I could overthink and relive instead of let go of the memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

I could've written this. You have summed up the experience of cptsd eloquently. We have to be our own "mom" because we have been on our own from a very young age. You are doing amazing considering where you came from. I am, too. Self compassion goes a long way in soothing these rough patches. Treat yourself how you treat your child. You aren't alone.