If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child, do you ever really move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

Thank you so much for this post, PP. I see you, and I want to let you know that you are not alone with your feelings. I can run on forever - my system runs on just doing everything to be a good girl and please other and then collapsing, wondering why no one can ever see how depressed I am, how hard I’m struggling, just helping me. Why I can’t be fixed. I waver between years of feeling better, and then, like the last year - always having the suicide hotline # ready. I just feel like no one else has to work so damn hard all the time just to feel normal.

Please hang in there… know that when you share your story, like you did here, it helps others.

PP here who wrote the post above and I just want to say thank you so much to all those who replied here and said what I wrote was meaningful or who connected with it. It means a lot to me to have helped anyone feel less alone in this. I've written a lot on DCUM over the years and while I am still very lonely in real life, I take a lot of comfort from the feeling that I've connected in some way with someone who feels otherwise unseen or alone.

It's one of the reasons I hope I can muster up more energy. I want to write to help others feel less alone. Ideally, to write for adolescents who might be experiencing something like what inexperienced with a parent with addiction and mental health problems.

I still wish I had a mom, though. I just want someone to come save me. Or at least remind me I am worth saving and urge me to shower and put my bra on and do some good for myself tomorrow.

Sending love and all good wishes to those who similarly struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

Thank you so much for this post, PP. I see you, and I want to let you know that you are not alone with your feelings. I can run on forever - my system runs on just doing everything to be a good girl and please other and then collapsing, wondering why no one can ever see how depressed I am, how hard I’m struggling, just helping me. Why I can’t be fixed. I waver between years of feeling better, and then, like the last year - always having the suicide hotline # ready. I just feel like no one else has to work so damn hard all the time just to feel normal.

Please hang in there… know that when you share your story, like you did here, it helps others.

I just posted before I saw this. I want you to know this stranger on the internet is secretly praying for you and cheering you on too along with praying for and cheering on OP. I related so much to "my system runs on just doing everything to be a good girl and please others and then collapsing..."

PP who wrote about the Crappy Chikdhood Fairy above, and I also want to reiterate how much I connected to that quote about always trying to be the good girl...running for SO long and seemingly achieving so much (grades, jobs, accolades, whatever) and then just collapsing. I see you. You ARE good. You are really good, and you are worthy, even when you rest. You are still good when you rest, and rest doesn't take away from your worthiness. You can do nothing and you are still a good woman, you really are. It's fundamental to your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like what the person said above, you move on with it. I did have a parent commit suicide, my surviving parent falling into a deep depression which made her vulnerable to a spouse that sexually and physically abused me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very angry. But all that generational trauma pushed me to leave my cycle. I am not in the best cycle, that's for sure. I have anxiety and I am very hard on myself. I can really speak down to myself. I relate to the poster wanting a mom, that is all I ever wanted for the longest time. The feeling of being safe, putting my head in my mother's lap and having her stroke my hair. I was extremely embarrassed as a child that I had a parent commit suicide. Most people don't know how to respond and a lot of people ask why. It took me a long time to understand how mentally ill someone must be to feel the world is better off without them. How sad my father must have felt to think my life would be better without him in it. As a parent now, it hurts my heart that he felt that way. I can't imagine but also the generational trauma he had was severe too.

I married young the first time. He physically abused me so that was an issue. I left and had a few toxic relationships but I met my current husband and he did provide stability and safety for me. I have repaired my relationship with my mother, as a mother myself I have come to understand that she was not able to beat her generational trauma. I have learned about her childhood from her and my aunt.

Mostly I've healed by understanding my expectations were out of reach for my parents that struggled mentally themselves. And yes, a parent should protect their children but it wasn't that they didn't love me enough to protect me but more they were fighting their own demons to see outside of their internal battles.

I definitely do carry PTSD with me. I tend to shut down when people yell because of my stepfather always screaming at me as a kid. I have a tad of anger issues. I'm very independent to the point where I rather not ask for help because I never had anyone to help me growing up. And it can be something dumb like changing a tire. I will scream and cry and kick a flat tire, but I would change it myself. That being said, now I can call a service to do that for me as cars don't carry spares anymore.

I have a lot of shortcomings but overall I do love the person I am. I couldn't be that person without all of that trauma. I have so much unconditional love for my children and I try to view myself as the person they see. I am strong, kind and beautiful but sometimes I yell too much.

I know many people that had amazing upbringings and have many more struggles than me. No one is without struggles.

I also lift weights and am overall fairly strong because no one will ever hit me again without a fight.

You are worthy, you are beautiful with all the scars under the surface. Give yourself grace.

This is all so beautifully said. You are really an inspiration to me (I'm the one who first wrote about still wishing for a mom.) I am so sorry that your dad died from suicide and that he wasn't able to escape his pain any other way that might have given him more time to heal.

This is one way I have a little bit of self compassion for some of my maladaptive coping mechanisms...sure, I did and do overeat. I did and do dissociate. I did and do procrastinate. But I am not just a dissociating, procrastinating, overeater. I survived and I am surviving. I am a loving and living mom. I did better than my mom could. I will do better. I must keep trying.

I admire your courage in escaping your first marriage and other toxic relationships and I am so happy that you found someone who is good to you. I love your idea of strength training. I do literally need to be stronger. My emotional strength needs real muscle behind it.

Thank you so much for writing and for giving me more hope. I'm so, so sorry about your dad. I wish I had been able to be there for you as a friend. You deserve great ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

This is my life in a nutshell. Sometimes the realization that no one is coming is (literally) too much. Hugs to everyone who can relate.

Hugs to you, too. I wish there were some way for all of us to find each other. When I have the energy, I'd come to you. And I know you'd come to me when you could. We might not be able to be the moms we need, but we could be Badass Survivors Who Get How Exhusting It Is And Just Need To Be Held and Rescued Sometimes. That doesn't make a good acronym but damn, it is really a thing, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EMDR seems really effective at PTSD, like for situational traumas (a bad accident, an assault, a traumatic event or short term situation such as combat...short term being that you know if you survive, it won't be forever.)

CPTSD from chronic trauma, such as a childhood of neglect or with parents who have addictions and/or are abusive seems like a very different beast because of the changes that chronic lack of safety has on the brain. In my mid-50's, I am only now understanding and beginning to forgive myself for SO much that stems from brain dysregulation...shutting down, avoidance, procrastination, zoning out, ADHD, depression, overeating...so much of how I have screwed up my adult life despite being SO intentional about not repeating my parents' mistakes and so diligent at pursuing therapy and self-help and 12 steps and OMG so, so many failed attempts at "fixing" myself.

I have tried SO hard.

One thing that is finally beginning to click this past year is learning more about my body (which I generally avoid and dissociate from) and how physical dysregulation is at the heart of my psychological problems. I have learned a lot from the Crappy Childhood Fairy online...her videos are excellent and I started incorporating her Daily Practice into my day (writing and meditating).

What I still can't seem to get over is that childhood hope that someone will come rescue me. I read a lot as a child; that escapism might have saved me. But sometimes I fall into these deep dissociative fugue states...just surviving. Oh, I perform day to day - I go to work, I act normal, I come home, I do the minimum, I overeat, I escape into my phone, and I avoid all the self-care rituals that I k ow will make my life better. I know some things that work but I just go into this shell of avoidance and despair and, at its core, the vain HOPE that someone will come and pull me out of it. Please, someone, pull me into the light and rescue me. Please, someone, notice how much I am suffering and come be with me. Someone, please save me.

I wasted my whole day like that today. I slept most of the day. I am SO tired and I don't know how much is an illness or how much is depression but the work of finding a doctor who can diagnose me with something fixable is SO Herculean and I just can't find the energy...I used it all just feeding my kid today and doing a couple of loads of laundry. I need someone to notice how much I need help and come and save me. I need a mom.

I know no one is coming. I know only I can rescue myself. But I'm sooo exhausted and I can't stop staying stuck and hoping.

Wow - this is me down to the detail, plus I just got diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. Still, nobody is coming to save me or help me, definitely not the narcissistic mom and co-dependent dad that live just miles away, or the abusive STBX.

I wrote the above. I am SO sorry about your cancer diagnosis and all you have survived. Are you in the DC area? I will come help you. Seriously. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that so many of us understand the struggle and pain of trauma. At the same time, I feel comfort knowing there are people in the world who "get" me.

[Anonymous]

From about 4 until 10 I asked Santa and God for a 'normal' family. By normal I meant a mom and dad together and a mother that didn't have untreated mental illness and violent tendencies. I developed all these weird things like if I counted to 28 very slowly I might open my eyes and have one. Then I'd hold my breath for a minute if one didn't appear.

I had no idea this was a disorder until I mentioned to my counselor during a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From about 4 until 10 I asked Santa and God for a 'normal' family. By normal I meant a mom and dad together and a mother that didn't have untreated mental illness and violent tendencies. I developed all these weird things like if I counted to 28 very slowly I might open my eyes and have one. Then I'd hold my breath for a minute if one didn't appear.

I had no idea this was a disorder until I mentioned to my counselor during a divorce.

That is terribly sad.

[Anonymous]

When I was seven, I looked around my backyard and thought, "Some day I'm going to tell someone about all this." Then I realized that I couldn't imagine actually talking about 'it' with anyone. But then I had the thought that I also couldn't imagine being married, even as I assumed that was an inevitable stage of life. So I concluded that maybe the person I'd eventually tell would be my husband.

Years later, after much imperfect-but-what-else-is-there therapy I try to live in a way that honors that seven year old. I eat all the cake I want. Sometimes the only positive reaction I can have to bad memories is, "My girls are never going to go through anything like that." Best wishes to all, both the people who have gone through it, and the unscathed who are trying to understand.