If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child, do you ever really move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No OP. I am a boomer and never went to counseling after being kidnapped and sexually assaulted by 2 dudes when I was a teen. I am emotionally dead.

I am so sorry. I hope you find some joy in life in any way that you can.

[Anonymous]

Having been with someone that had profound trauma as a child...they often tell themselves and others that they are fine and don't see the ways in which they aren't fine and traumatizing others

[Anonymous]

Thank you to all who have posted on this thread. I have cptsd from childhood trauma and am utterly exhausted after decades of pursuing healing. I am surprised at the level of grief, anger and pain that is still surfacing. And I am beginning to understand that the chronic pain and autoimmune issues I have as an adult are not unrelated to my childhood abuse.

I am so so angry at my mother for all the ways she caused me so much damage. And I am angry at myself for still having so much anger. I thought the anger was done, all felt and out, but the more I heal the more I discover there is still anger there and that the anger is even more profound than I had thought. I think a lot of it is fueled by realizing that I can’t just walk away from the pain of my past by building the perfect life and making all the right choices and working my a$$ off to heal emotionally. That some pain will be with you and that an abusive childhood breaks you in profound ways.

I believe there is still much healing for me to experience, but for a moment on my journey I am still in this place, experiencing that anger all over again that I have come so far but have so much more to go.

Big hugs to all -

[Anonymous]

Big hugs to all.

It's mind boggling how much the abuse takes away from a life. I was a ball of anxiety most of my life. Finally, I did a program that addressed hypervigilance, and I saw that was one issue.

Plus, there's so much I didn't learn from parents or anyone else about how to be an adult. I learned these lessons way too late. No one was there to provide me with common sense or suggestions.

Now, my abusive parent is finally too old to refuse medication and is happy as a clam. Meanwhile, I'm left with the wreckage and a damaged sibling who is so hard to deal with (manipulative, screams, lies, accuses my family of stealing, etc) and won't go to therapy.

Basically, the parent got better while the sibling became the way the parent used to be, so I still can't have a moment of peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to all.

It's mind boggling how much the abuse takes away from a life. I was a ball of anxiety most of my life. Finally, I did a program that addressed hypervigilance, and I saw that was one issue.

Plus, there's so much I didn't learn from parents or anyone else about how to be an adult. I learned these lessons way too late. No one was there to provide me with common sense or suggestions.

Now, my abusive parent is finally too old to refuse medication and is happy as a clam. Meanwhile, I'm left with the wreckage and a damaged sibling who is so hard to deal with (manipulative, screams, lies, accuses my family of stealing, etc) and won't go to therapy.

Basically, the parent got better while the sibling became the way the parent used to be, so I still can't have a moment of peace.

May I ask what the program is that you attended to address hyper vigilance? I am the PP above your post and interested for myself. Thank you -

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to all who have posted on this thread. I have cptsd from childhood trauma and am utterly exhausted after decades of pursuing healing. I am surprised at the level of grief, anger and pain that is still surfacing. And I am beginning to understand that the chronic pain and autoimmune issues I have as an adult are not unrelated to my childhood abuse.

I am so so angry at my mother for all the ways she caused me so much damage. And I am angry at myself for still having so much anger. I thought the anger was done, all felt and out, but the more I heal the more I discover there is still anger there and that the anger is even more profound than I had thought. I think a lot of it is fueled by realizing that I can’t just walk away from the pain of my past by building the perfect life and making all the right choices and working my a$$ off to heal emotionally. That some pain will be with you and that an abusive childhood breaks you in profound ways.

I believe there is still much healing for me to experience, but for a moment on my journey I am still in this place, experiencing that anger all over again that I have come so far but have so much more to go.

Big hugs to all -

I’m sure you’ve heard something similar to my thought below, so pls ignore if it doesn’t work for you.

For me, anger doesn’t dissipate until I can find empathy. I now believe that my parents, like me, did the best they could with the tools they had. I also believe that many of their failures were a result of their trauma. That no matter how hard they tried to create perfect lives for us, they were constrained by what they had experienced and learned. I cringe when I see black parents threatening violence for backtalk; yet my parents explained to us constantly that mouthing off to the wrong authority figure could get you killed.

I know there are ways I am failing my kids that I don’t even know yet, but hopefully I’m doing better than the prior generation, and they will do better than we did, so on.

I’m sorry for your anger (which is just the pain of the little girl who was failed again and again lashing out). I hope you find peace one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to all.

It's mind boggling how much the abuse takes away from a life. I was a ball of anxiety most of my life. Finally, I did a program that addressed hypervigilance, and I saw that was one issue.

Plus, there's so much I didn't learn from parents or anyone else about how to be an adult. I learned these lessons way too late. No one was there to provide me with common sense or suggestions.

Now, my abusive parent is finally too old to refuse medication and is happy as a clam. Meanwhile, I'm left with the wreckage and a damaged sibling who is so hard to deal with (manipulative, screams, lies, accuses my family of stealing, etc) and won't go to therapy.

Basically, the parent got better while the sibling became the way the parent used to be, so I still can't have a moment of peace.

May I ask what the program is that you attended to address hyper vigilance? I am the PP above your post and interested for myself. Thank you -

Sure. It's this one: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/


You can take their assessment here.

https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/?mwr=6e469111

I found the process useful to learn practices to weaken what the teacher calls "judges" and "saboteurs," which are basically unhelpful ways of thinking. For example, our brains telling us we suck or should give up would be coming from a "saboteur."

The teacher came from an abusive family and was a mean and terrible tech leader before he realized he needed to change. His process helped me deal with self-doubt and that mean voice in my head, among other things. He offers a free six-week program. That's all I needed to feel much better and to have better tools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to all.

It's mind boggling how much the abuse takes away from a life. I was a ball of anxiety most of my life. Finally, I did a program that addressed hypervigilance, and I saw that was one issue.

Plus, there's so much I didn't learn from parents or anyone else about how to be an adult. I learned these lessons way too late. No one was there to provide me with common sense or suggestions.

Amazing, thank you
Now, my abusive parent is finally too old to refuse medication and is happy as a clam. Meanwhile, I'm left with the wreckage and a damaged sibling who is so hard to deal with (manipulative, screams, lies, accuses my family of stealing, etc) and won't go to therapy.

Basically, the parent got better while the sibling became the way the parent used to be, so I still can't have a moment of peace.

May I ask what the program is that you attended to address hyper vigilance? I am the PP above your post and interested for myself. Thank you -

Sure. It's this one: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/


You can take their assessment here.

https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/?mwr=6e469111

I found the process useful to learn practices to weaken what the teacher calls "judges" and "saboteurs," which are basically unhelpful ways of thinking. For example, our brains telling us we suck or should give up would be coming from a "saboteur."

The teacher came from an abusive family and was a mean and terrible tech leader before he realized he needed to change. His process helped me deal with self-doubt and that mean voice in my head, among other things. He offers a free six-week program. That's all I needed to feel much better and to have better tools.

[Anonymous]

Thank you! ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child (parent murdered, sibling death, extreme physical or emotional abuse, victim of a sexual crime) do you think it’s actually possible to move past that?

I’m someone who experienced this and have been in counseling for most of my life. I am happily married with 2 wonderful children, many close friends, an active life, beautiful homes, well off.. and I am still just overtaken by the feelings of shame and sadness of my own childhood. It just lives inside of me and no amount of counseling or ssri seems to touch it. I obviously go about with my life and don’t discuss it with others aside from professionals but I just wonder if anyone has managed to truly let the past go. Still to this day, I just don’t feel comfortable or like I quite fit in or am understood by anyone. I feel like a fish out of water in every situation, even with my own family.

I work really hard. Have been in therapy for decades and doing ACOA program work for about a decade. Life has improved tremendously and I still have challenges. I am still learning about blocks and minefields. I still keep showing up for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to all.

It's mind boggling how much the abuse takes away from a life. I was a ball of anxiety most of my life. Finally, I did a program that addressed hypervigilance, and I saw that was one issue.

Plus, there's so much I didn't learn from parents or anyone else about how to be an adult. I learned these lessons way too late. No one was there to provide me with common sense or suggestions.

Now, my abusive parent is finally too old to refuse medication and is happy as a clam. Meanwhile, I'm left with the wreckage and a damaged sibling who is so hard to deal with (manipulative, screams, lies, accuses my family of stealing, etc) and won't go to therapy.

Basically, the parent got better while the sibling became the way the parent used to be, so I still can't have a moment of peace.

May I ask what the program is that you attended to address hyper vigilance? I am the PP above your post and interested for myself. Thank you -

Sure. It's this one: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/


You can take their assessment here.

https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/?mwr=6e469111

I found the process useful to learn practices to weaken what the teacher calls "judges" and "saboteurs," which are basically unhelpful ways of thinking. For example, our brains telling us we suck or should give up would be coming from a "saboteur."

The teacher came from an abusive family and was a mean and terrible tech leader before he realized he needed to change. His process helped me deal with self-doubt and that mean voice in my head, among other things. He offers a free six-week program. That's all I needed to feel much better and to have better tools.

Different pp. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I think the goal is integration, not "moving on."

Most trauma-informed therapists I know would avoid a term like "move on" because we know trauma can impact you physically and rewire your brain. It's not like seeing a bad accident by the side of the road but shaking off the images so you can get on with your day. It becomes part of you. So the goal is to be able to accept it as part of you and figure out how to live with it.

Easier said than done. I'm still working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The crazy thing about this thread to me is that I would never do a lot of the potentially helpful things people mention because it would mean telling someone what happened, and I would never do that. And it's been 40 years. I wonder to what extent we could be divided into two groups - those who can talk about it and those who are too ashamed - and what effect that has on the possibility of moving on.

Why won't you tell someone? Even a therapist? They won't judge you.

It's hard to articulate, or even figure out exactly. I think it's something like, what happened defined my childhood and eventually my whole identity. As an adult I moved far away, changed my name, and tried to bury that identity, or at least hide it really well. Telling someone would be like resurrecting something I have managed to bury, that i really want to stay buried. It's less what other people think, and more that I don't want to think it.

[Anonymous]

I'm just here to say what a great dad I am. I love my kids more than I love anything else. They are my greatest joy and I absolutely cherish watching them grow and mature. They have my support in every way possible.

I'm so sorry so many of you didn't have a dad like that.

* I say this as an abuse victim myself. My mother literally beat me weekly with weapons and excluded me anything she could. For her fun.

[Anonymous]

Have you read Stephanie Foo's book? It's called "What my Bones Know" and it's all about her dealing with an abusive childhood and how it manifested in CPTSD.

I did not have a hard childhood and her book changed the way I think and empathize with others who HAVE experienced trauma. Particularly on going trauma (not just one event). It's incredibly well written.