10+ years into “settling”

[Anonymous]

I'm reminded of two beautiful sisters I knew who were in their late 30's and unmarried.

One sister lamented that she refused to date balding men and virtually all the men she was not dating were balding.

Some women are way too unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married someone I liked a lot but was never really very attracted to. Now 22 years in, and things are fine. We have two great teenagers and enough money, and he's good at pleasing me sexually though I'm still not really attracted to him. Mostly we have different interests but a few shared ones (travel, film) that we will hopefully do more of when we're empty nesters.

Life isn't perfect. Sure, passion and attraction would be great, but I focus on the good things about our relationship.

When you say not attracted, is it because of his looks/weight? Or something like scent, manners?

[Anonymous]

10 years in. Very happy. He’s my best friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 years in. Very happy. He’s my best friend

Same, but 30 years in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women always eventually conclude they "settled" even though they married the best guy they could catch at the time.

^ This one knows

Not true. I knew I was settling at the time. I had broken up with my true love due to distance and decided I wouldn’t find that again. When XH started pursuing me, hard, I just gave in.

PP here. I also got to the "gave in" stage. I knew I was "settling." I also had a mother who just wanted me to get married ASAP. I had much better options.

If you had much better options, why didn’t you take any?

[Anonymous]

Not true. I knew I was settling at the time. I had broken up with my true love due to distance and decided I wouldn’t find that again. When XH started pursuing me, hard, I just gave in.

When you write "broken up with my true love", do you mean he dumped you because you were no longer geographically close? If he was your true love, why did you (or he) move away or not move to be closer? The arrogance in your statement "when XH started pursuing me" makes me sad for him, as we would get a different story from him regarding who gave in.

PP here. I also got to the "gave in" stage. I knew I was "settling." I also had a mother who just wanted me to get married ASAP. I had much better options.

If you had better options, honey, you would have taken them. He is sorry he did not match with one of his "better options."

Truly, these posters' self-delusion is on full display in this thread. Both of them acquired a spouse as good as they would ever find, but their egos are too vast to allow them to face the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married someone I liked a lot but was never really very attracted to. Now 22 years in, and things are fine. We have two great teenagers and enough money, and he's good at pleasing me sexually though I'm still not really attracted to him. Mostly we have different interests but a few shared ones (travel, film) that we will hopefully do more of when we're empty nesters.

Life isn't perfect. Sure, passion and attraction would be great, but I focus on the good things about our relationship.

This is almost exactly me and I didn’t feel like I settled at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not true. I knew I was settling at the time. I had broken up with my true love due to distance and decided I wouldn’t find that again. When XH started pursuing me, hard, I just gave in.

When you write "broken up with my true love", do you mean he dumped you because you were no longer geographically close? If he was your true love, why did you (or he) move away or not move to be closer? The arrogance in your statement "when XH started pursuing me" makes me sad for him, as we would get a different story from him regarding who gave in.

PP here. I also got to the "gave in" stage. I knew I was "settling." I also had a mother who just wanted me to get married ASAP. I had much better options.

If you had better options, honey, you would have taken them. He is sorry he did not match with one of his "better options."

Truly, these posters' self-delusion is on full display in this thread. Both of them acquired a spouse as good as they would ever find, but their egos are too vast to allow them to face the truth.

I am the first poster. The one I loved and it didn't work out - I was living my life on the west coast. He was temporarily there (musician) but already planning on grad school and a life back east, where he was from. His goal in life was to get a public school teaching job and stay in it for life. I was still having a good time out west and living in the city. I totally wanted to marry him, but he wouldn't talk marriage unless I moved first. He was 5 years older than me, I was too young in hindsight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not true. I knew I was settling at the time. I had broken up with my true love due to distance and decided I wouldn’t find that again. When XH started pursuing me, hard, I just gave in.

When you write "broken up with my true love", do you mean he dumped you because you were no longer geographically close? If he was your true love, why did you (or he) move away or not move to be closer? The arrogance in your statement "when XH started pursuing me" makes me sad for him, as we would get a different story from him regarding who gave in.

PP here. I also got to the "gave in" stage. I knew I was "settling." I also had a mother who just wanted me to get married ASAP. I had much better options.

If you had better options, honey, you would have taken them. He is sorry he did not match with one of his "better options."

Truly, these posters' self-delusion is on full display in this thread. Both of them acquired a spouse as good as they would ever find, but their egos are too vast to allow them to face the truth.

I am the first poster. The one I loved and it didn't work out - I was living my life on the west coast. He was temporarily there (musician) but already planning on grad school and a life back east, where he was from. His goal in life was to get a public school teaching job and stay in it for life. I was still having a good time out west and living in the city. I totally wanted to marry him, but he wouldn't talk marriage unless I moved first. He was 5 years older than me, I was too young in hindsight.

Continued...
I did make plans to move. But before I did, I panicked. I was scared to give up a job I liked and my friends and move to a place in the middle of Virginia. I wouldn't say either of us dumped the other. It was just a stalemate - either I move or he propose and neither of us felt comfortable moving forward without the other. He married the next woman he dated. As far as I know he did exactly what he said he would, teaching in the middle of Virginia. I wish him well, he was a wonderful person. I have lived an adventurous life and had kids and am now divorced and in a serious relationship. I think it all works out in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women always eventually conclude they "settled" even though they married the best guy they could catch at the time.

^ This one knows

Not true. I knew I was settling at the time. I had broken up with my true love due to distance and decided I wouldn’t find that again. When XH started pursuing me, hard, I just gave in.

PP here. I also got to the "gave in" stage. I knew I was "settling." I also had a mother who just wanted me to get married ASAP. I had much better options.

If you had much better options, why didn’t you take any?

Because I did not want to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married someone I liked a lot but was never really very attracted to. Now 22 years in, and things are fine. We have two great teenagers and enough money, and he's good at pleasing me sexually though I'm still not really attracted to him. Mostly we have different interests but a few shared ones (travel, film) that we will hopefully do more of when we're empty nesters.

Life isn't perfect. Sure, passion and attraction would be great, but I focus on the good things about our relationship.

When you say not attracted, is it because of his looks/weight? Or something like scent, manners?

I guess body, hairline, dick size. I was interested in him because he was good at his job and kind and funny, but just didn’t feel huge sexual attraction almost from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced 16 years into settling. My exH was the best I could do before my fertility window would have shut closed. I think it is attainable for most people to meet a true connection. But the problem you can meet that person at 21 (when not ready, so you screw this up); at 27 (extremely lucky situation), at 36 (could be too late for kids - it would be for me) or at 57 (you would have missed the whole life and would end up childless never married person).

I regret the way my marriage fell apart but don't regret having my son. It was worth settling at 27, having him at 28. I am still relatively young to try find a true connection

This was around my timeline.

I compromised on some major red flags, including anger issues. But my fertility window was closing. It was a tough call. Sometimes I wish I had just waited another few years and been pickier. Other times I’m ok with this outcome — two amazing kids, the career I always wanted, and now some time to see what I really want in terms of a partner.

[Anonymous]

I really hope there are men out there who are settling as well. The responses by a lot of women here really show their transactional nature the very same criticism they Levy at men...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope there are men out there who are settling as well. The responses by a lot of women here really show their transactional nature the very same criticism they Levy at men...

The only transaction women want is to have ability to reproduce. Bible called it an honorable one and a reason to marry. If men don’t want that - don’t marry. Marriage is a contract.

Men, however, are stupid or self-indulgent enough to marry someone they can’t see through is using them. Often the women have a digging goal as the only reason to date them (large age gaps).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very much in love. I married a man who is a fairly high earner and good dad, but not someone I was super attracted to or had a deep connection with. We are 17 years and 4 kids in. He has turned out to be a wonderful father, which is very attractive, and he has been open and receptive to learning what I like in bed, so the sex is great and keeps getting better.

He did have trouble with addiction a few years into our marriage, and that was hard. We nearly got divorced. But he went to rehab and has been sober 12 years. It’s been good.

Love your story- can you share more? Did you go into the marriage with very similar underlying values/priorities/cultural background?

In some ways, yes. We are roughly the same age, white, and met as classmates in the same professional school. We both wanted to have four or five children. We are both committed to making the marriage work and living the best lives we can within the frame work of marriage and family.
I think it some ways this isn’t a terrible way to go into a marriage. It helps that we are never really scared of the other person leaving, and we aren’t trying to force to other person to continue acting 25 the rest of their lives in order to recreate that time.

So you didn't settle and York experience isn't relevant to this thread at all.