10+ years into “settling”

[Anonymous]

If you married someone you could have kids and settle down with but not someone you had a deep love connection with or deep attraction — what society seems to call “settling” — how’s it going for you 10+ years in?

[Anonymous]

All of these people are divorced.

[Anonymous]

I got married but did not want kids. We were never in love. He "changed his mind"--two kids from one-time sex years apart in my 30s.

We were separated at year 8 of marriage and divorced at yaer 10. Life is not much better. Coparenting sucks. However, I am so glad we are no longer married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of these people are divorced.

+1 (I posted right after you)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got married but did not want kids. We were never in love. He "changed his mind"--two kids from one-time sex years apart in my 30s.

We were separated at year 8 of marriage and divorced at yaer 10. Life is not much better. Coparenting sucks. However, I am so glad we are no longer married.

Following same trajectory- separated now in year 8, will divorce soon

[Anonymous]

Thirteen years and two kids in. Divorce is imminent, but I’m doing okay! The kids are great, which allows me to focus on them, my friends, fitness, work travel, and hobbies that bring me joy. I wouldn’t say I regret my choices, as I’m 99% sure I would still be single and childless if I hadn’t married him.

[Anonymous]

If I had waited for the deep connection person, I'd still be waiting. Same for most people I know.
Several us have kids, but lucky to get rid of the partners and not have to be in a marriage anymore or ever.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. He love bombed me and I settled. But I thought he would at least treat me well. Well, the love bombing was a control tactic. I had kids and he made decent money and I had stayed home so stayed with him for 10 years. Got to be emotional abuse and I just couldn’t make it any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of these people are divorced.

This.

[Anonymous]

I am very much in love. I married a man who is a fairly high earner and good dad, but not someone I was super attracted to or had a deep connection with. We are 17 years and 4 kids in. He has turned out to be a wonderful father, which is very attractive, and he has been open and receptive to learning what I like in bed, so the sex is great and keeps getting better.

He did have trouble with addiction a few years into our marriage, and that was hard. We nearly got divorced. But he went to rehab and has been sober 12 years. It’s been good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. He love bombed me and I settled. But I thought he would at least treat me well. Well, the love bombing was a control tactic. I had kids and he made decent money and I had stayed home so stayed with him for 10 years. Got to be emotional abuse and I just couldn’t make it any longer.

Similar. In process of divorce. I stayed home 5. We are in year 11. Emotion abuse. Worried about kids.

[Anonymous]

Not divorced. Bedroom is not where the magic happens. Which was a concern going in. He’s a wonderful human and makes me laugh endlessly, the spark never caught flame. I’m still hopeful - it would not feel like settling with that piece.

[Anonymous]

Women always eventually conclude they "settled" even though they married the best guy they could catch at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very much in love. I married a man who is a fairly high earner and good dad, but not someone I was super attracted to or had a deep connection with. We are 17 years and 4 kids in. He has turned out to be a wonderful father, which is very attractive, and he has been open and receptive to learning what I like in bed, so the sex is great and keeps getting better.

He did have trouble with addiction a few years into our marriage, and that was hard. We nearly got divorced. But he went to rehab and has been sober 12 years. It’s been good.

wow this sounds like a real, adult marriage. How did you decide to get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I had waited for the deep connection person, I'd still be waiting. Same for most people I know.
Several us have kids, but lucky to get rid of the partners and not have to be in a marriage anymore or ever.

I'm 20+ years into “settling”, with 2 children in their early 20s. Earlier this year, I met someone who I deeply connected with - for the first time since my marriage.