10+ years into “settling”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women always eventually conclude they "settled" even though they married the best guy they could catch at the time.

This is so true. My husband isn't perfect but truth is, he was the best I could do. At the time my mother insisted I was settling and wanted me to hold out for someone better. It really ruined our relationship for a few years but I didn't exactly have men knocking down my door. I felt like the odds of someone better coming along were low.

Sadly women are "fed" that they have endless options. Those who have held to this illusion are still single and waiting. Nobody is perfect..the women I married isn't. I am all for women's happiness. However some women take this idea of their happiness to the extreme. They have a set of rigid requirements that unless all fully met the guy isn't perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women always eventually conclude they "settled" even though they married the best guy they could catch at the time.

This is so true. My husband isn't perfect but truth is, he was the best I could do. At the time my mother insisted I was settling and wanted me to hold out for someone better. It really ruined our relationship for a few years but I didn't exactly have men knocking down my door. I felt like the odds of someone better coming along were low.

Sadly women are "fed" that they have endless options. Those who have held to this illusion are still single and waiting. Nobody is perfect..the women I married isn't. I am all for women's happiness. However some women take this idea of their happiness to the extreme. They have a set of rigid requirements that unless all fully met the guy isn't perfect.

I feel the same way. My wife and I weren't perfect, but we liked each other better than anybody else we'd dated. We're 20 years in now.

[Anonymous]

I am divorced 16 years into settling. My exH was the best I could do before my fertility window would have shut closed. I think it is attainable for most people to meet a true connection. But the problem you can meet that person at 21 (when not ready, so you screw this up); at 27 (extremely lucky situation), at 36 (could be too late for kids - it would be for me) or at 57 (you would have missed the whole life and would end up childless never married person).

I regret the way my marriage fell apart but don't regret having my son. It was worth settling at 27, having him at 28. I am still relatively young to try find a true connection

[Anonymous]

This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

What you have is an ideal set up. But in current economy it takes two incomes to raise a child (for 90% women)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

I discovered in my 20s that I had fertility issues and still wanted a biological child. Don’t judge - other women have right to want to have a baby with a partner who wants same. Not all kids on the world are born to huge love or even one loving parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

It’s better for kids to have two parents, even divorced (especially if they’re amicable), than to be fatherless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women always eventually conclude they "settled" even though they married the best guy they could catch at the time.

^ This one knows

Not true. I knew I was settling at the time. I had broken up with my true love due to distance and decided I wouldn’t find that again. When XH started pursuing me, hard, I just gave in.

PP here. I also got to the "gave in" stage. I knew I was "settling." I also had a mother who just wanted me to get married ASAP. I had much better options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

What you have is an ideal set up. But in current economy it takes two incomes to raise a child (for 90% women)

Disagree. Her child does not have a father. This will come back to bite at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

What you have is an ideal set up. But in current economy it takes two incomes to raise a child (for 90% women)

Disagree. Her child does not have a father. This will come back to bite at some point.

I’m divorced but was raised by a well-off single mother. My child is traumatized post divorce. I had a happy childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

It’s better for kids to have two parents, even divorced (especially if they’re amicable), than to be fatherless.

Amicable happens very rarely if the marriage was a product of either party “settling”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This “divorced but at least I got to have kids” just feels so cruel to the kids. As if divorce is a “shrug, no big deal” for the kids.

If you want kids, but haven’t met someone you want to be with long-term, then have a child on your own. Settling, divorcing and coparenting is so much worse for the kids involved.

And yes, I chose not to settle and had a child on my own. Raising a happy, secure kid who doesn’t have to shuffle houses or deal with parents who hate each other.

What you have is an ideal set up. But in current economy it takes two incomes to raise a child (for 90% women)

Disagree. Her child does not have a father. This will come back to bite at some point.

I’m divorced but was raised by a well-off single mother. My child is traumatized post divorce. I had a happy childhood.

That's a different situation and a different set of problems. Intentionally bringing a child into the world without a father has its own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you married someone you could have kids and settle down with but not someone you had a deep love connection with or deep attraction — what society seems to call “settling” — how’s it going for you 10+ years in?

Why do women do this to themselves? Seriously don't marry just because you want to have children. You are robbing a potential great guy for another woman the chance at being with someone who deeply love him. Instead he doesn't know he was option #2, #3, who knows...

On one hand, this is a valid point. On the other hand, he has agency, and he generally has to initiate the proposal.

[Anonymous]

Married someone I liked a lot but was never really very attracted to. Now 22 years in, and things are fine. We have two great teenagers and enough money, and he's good at pleasing me sexually though I'm still not really attracted to him. Mostly we have different interests but a few shared ones (travel, film) that we will hopefully do more of when we're empty nesters.

Life isn't perfect. Sure, passion and attraction would be great, but I focus on the good things about our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very much in love. I married a man who is a fairly high earner and good dad, but not someone I was super attracted to or had a deep connection with. We are 17 years and 4 kids in. He has turned out to be a wonderful father, which is very attractive, and he has been open and receptive to learning what I like in bed, so the sex is great and keeps getting better.

He did have trouble with addiction a few years into our marriage, and that was hard. We nearly got divorced. But he went to rehab and has been sober 12 years. It’s been good.

Love your story- can you share more? Did you go into the marriage with very similar underlying values/priorities/cultural background?

In some ways, yes. We are roughly the same age, white, and met as classmates in the same professional school. We both wanted to have four or five children. We are both committed to making the marriage work and living the best lives we can within the frame work of marriage and family.
I think it some ways this isn’t a terrible way to go into a marriage. It helps that we are never really scared of the other person leaving, and we aren’t trying to force to other person to continue acting 25 the rest of their lives in order to recreate that time.