10+ years into “settling”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you married someone you could have kids and settle down with but not someone you had a deep love connection with or deep attraction — what society seems to call “settling” — how’s it going for you 10+ years in?

Why do women do this to themselves? Seriously don't marry just because you want to have children. You are robbing a potential great guy for another woman the chance at being with someone who deeply love him. Instead he doesn't know he was option #2, #3, who knows...

On one hand, this is a valid point. On the other hand, he has agency, and he generally has to initiate the proposal.

DH here: men don’t really intuit that a woman might be willing to marry someone she has no real feelings for, and they often take the “I love you”s at face value, particularly if she is, as seems to often happen, pretending to enjoy the sex too. It’s not really agency if you are being provided with inaccurate information on purpose from someone you have reason to trust.

[Anonymous]

Almost all of the women I know that settled did not have a good career and did not want to work. They popped out a kid as soon as they could to basically retire and stay at home—never going back to work ever again (from age 25, 30-36,etc). Even when kids were older or grown and flown. It gave them a valid excuse for not working when in reality most of them were just lazy or wanted trivial pursuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost all of the women I know that settled did not have a good career and did not want to work. They popped out a kid as soon as they could to basically retire and stay at home—never going back to work ever again (from age 25, 30-36,etc). Even when kids were older or grown and flown. It gave them a valid excuse for not working when in reality most of them were just lazy or wanted trivial pursuits.

^ a lot of them cheat on their husbands too because as the kids get older and they literally have zero going on they have too much time on their hands and start overestimating their looks and value

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, not so much settled as accepted trade offs. DH isn’t someone who endlessly makes me laugh or engages in deep conversation. He’s quiet and doesn’t really fill my bucket in terms of verbal interaction. Attractive but not the most communicative or attentive sex partner and a bit lower drive than me. I knew this all going in and had some nagging concerns but let the fact that we got along well and he seemed an awesome, solid human win out.

On balance, seventeen years in our marriage is pretty good. We share values and parenting together is easy. We like each other’s families and friends. He’s always kind, amazingly supportive, and does more than his fair share at home. I still find him attractive, appreciative the life we’ve built together, and know he’ll always have my back. We make awesome kids and have had a lot of fun raising them together. I get sad that we don’t talk, banter and laugh more but have purposely cultivated other relationships (friends, siblings) to fill that need and try to focus on the good things we DO have together. And on the flip side, we never fight. Sex happens about once a week - not earth-shattering, but enjoyable. Closing in on 50, I feel like we’re doing alright.

I thought most of the responses to this thread would be like this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I think when you have that it is possible to get through something like a midlife affair—but when you didn’t have it and “settled” it’s harder. I also think a lot of women that cheat are ones that settled and are looking for exit affairs which isn’t the same motive as men.

This is interesting. I’m one of those who settled and have never had an emotional connection/love with DH. I would not care in the slightest if he cheated, it wouldn’t break my heart because I’m not emotionally connected to him.

I'm honestly shocked by this. Did you never date someone with whom you had an emotional connection? If you did, why didn't you marry them? How on earth do you marry someone you don't love? I'm a woman and I can't fathom wanting kids enough to do that. It is just wild to me. But then again, I was fine if we didn't end up having kids. We decided to try and I got pregnant immediately with twins and we're very happy about that but we also would have been ok without kids. So I guess I just don't understand thinking I had to procreate so badly that I'd do it with someone I felt nothing more for than the guy who bags my groceries.

Perhaps my situation was unconventional. I settled at the age of 24, not out of the desire to have kids. By that time, I had some quite traumatic relationships with the men I loved. I saw how much impact every word and action of theirs had on me, I felt so much pain! For this reason I decided that in order to experience no more pain, I need to be with a person that I have no deep feelings for. DH is a nice and caring person but he is not my type physically and emotionally. We are equally successful professionally (make close to $300k each).

[Anonymous]

And how long did Chad stay with the alleged “strong 8” before finding a better looking woman?

I remember the "strong 8," and Chad did not survive more than a month until Chad was again loose in the wild. This was more than 40 years ago, so take what you will.

To be clear, the "strong 8" was pretty enough to take my breath away, and the only reason she would have ever spoken to my freshman a$$ was to ask me to get her a drink. Which, of course, I would have done gladly.

It was interesting how girls like Mary Lou would do everything possible to be with him and remain baffled when he found someone hotter. This group of hotter girls included other Tri-Delts, even girls who had heard Mary Lou complain about Chad through many a long night at Hardin House.

Men do the same thing. However, I believe women were much brighter (especially at that age), and most girls I knew well were smart enough to figure that if they were not a nine as well, their time with Chad would be limited from the night they were with him to dawn the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 years in. Very happy. He’s my best friend

So then how did you settle? Or do you have nothing to add to this thread?

Re read the OP and think about it. Real hard

[Anonymous]

As others have said, not so much settled as accepted trade offs. DH isn’t someone who endlessly makes me laugh or engages in deep conversation. He’s quiet and doesn’t really fill my bucket in terms of verbal interaction. Attractive but not the most communicative or attentive sex partner and a bit lower drive than me. I knew this all going in and had some nagging concerns but let the fact that we got along well and he seemed an awesome, solid human win out.

On balance, seventeen years in our marriage is pretty good. We share values and parenting together is easy. We like each other’s families and friends. He’s always kind, amazingly supportive, and does more than his fair share at home. I still find him attractive, appreciative the life we’ve built together, and know he’ll always have my back. We make awesome kids and have had a lot of fun raising them together. I get sad that we don’t talk, banter and laugh more but have purposely cultivated other relationships (friends, siblings) to fill that need and try to focus on the good things we DO have together. And on the flip side, we never fight. Sex happens about once a week - not earth-shattering, but enjoyable. Closing in on 50, I feel like we’re doing alright.

Do you know what your DH would say about his trade-offs? Most DWs I know can quickly give you the same information about their husbands you did (e.g., he does not fill "my bucket" in terms of verbal interaction.) However, they have no idea what their husbands find lacking in them.

The response on DCUM may be, "Who cares what he wants? He is lucky to have me." Maybe he is. I bet that if you do not know, even if he wants things you cannot give him, he feels he "traded off" to the same degree that you do.

[Anonymous]

^These paragraphs were quoted in the post above:

As others have said, not so much settled as accepted trade offs. DH isn’t someone who endlessly makes me laugh or engages in deep conversation. He’s quiet and doesn’t really fill my bucket in terms of verbal interaction. Attractive but not the most communicative or attentive sex partner and a bit lower drive than me. I knew this all going in and had some nagging concerns but let the fact that we got along well and he seemed an awesome, solid human win out.

On balance, seventeen years in our marriage is pretty good. We share values and parenting together is easy. We like each other’s families and friends. He’s always kind, amazingly supportive, and does more than his fair share at home. I still find him attractive, appreciative the life we’ve built together, and know he’ll always have my back. We make awesome kids and have had a lot of fun raising them together. I get sad that we don’t talk, banter and laugh more but have purposely cultivated other relationships (friends, siblings) to fill that need and try to focus on the good things we DO have together. And on the flip side, we never fight. Sex happens about once a week - not earth-shattering, but enjoyable. Closing in on 50, I feel like we’re doing alright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you married someone you could have kids and settle down with but not someone you had a deep love connection with or deep attraction — what society seems to call “settling” — how’s it going for you 10+ years in?

Why do women do this to themselves? Seriously don't marry just because you want to have children. You are robbing a potential great guy for another woman the chance at being with someone who deeply love him. Instead he doesn't know he was option #2, #3, who knows...

On one hand, this is a valid point. On the other hand, he has agency, and he generally has to initiate the proposal.

DH here: men don’t really intuit that a woman might be willing to marry someone she has no real feelings for, and they often take the “I love you”s at face value, particularly if she is, as seems to often happen, pretending to enjoy the sex too. It’s not really agency if you are being provided with inaccurate information on purpose from someone you have reason to trust.

This is not only a woman problem. Men do this too.

Signed,
A sad DW

[Anonymous]

16 years and three children deep.

We were super compatible on paper and still are. Emotionally and physically we are worlds apart but our values are in lockstep. I'm no longer a 10 like I was in my 20s so the humble pie is regular sidecourse these days. I will never be physically attracted to him and he'll never understand me emotionally, but I think he's a wonderful person and don't think I could have tolerated any other man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you married someone you could have kids and settle down with but not someone you had a deep love connection with or deep attraction — what society seems to call “settling” — how’s it going for you 10+ years in?

Why do women do this to themselves? Seriously don't marry just because you want to have children. You are robbing a potential great guy for another woman the chance at being with someone who deeply love him. Instead he doesn't know he was option #2, #3, who knows...

On one hand, this is a valid point. On the other hand, he has agency, and he generally has to initiate the proposal.

DH here: men don’t really intuit that a woman might be willing to marry someone she has no real feelings for, and they often take the “I love you”s at face value, particularly if she is, as seems to often happen, pretending to enjoy the sex too. It’s not really agency if you are being provided with inaccurate information on purpose from someone you have reason to trust.

100% right. What you described is her running a scam on some unsuspecting sap ("settling"). It's a common form of gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16 years and three children deep.

We were super compatible on paper and still are. Emotionally and physically we are worlds apart but our values are in lockstep. I'm no longer a 10 like I was in my 20s so the humble pie is regular sidecourse these days. I will never be physically attracted to him and he'll never understand me emotionally, but I think he's a wonderful person and don't think I could have tolerated any other man.

What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope there are men out there who are settling as well. The responses by a lot of women here really show their transactional nature the very same criticism they Levy at men...

Woman here wondering the same thing.
Come on, there's got to be men willing to talk about how they settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years and three children deep.

We were super compatible on paper and still are. Emotionally and physically we are worlds apart but our values are in lockstep. I'm no longer a 10 like I was in my 20s so the humble pie is regular sidecourse these days. I will never be physically attracted to him and he'll never understand me emotionally, but I think he's a wonderful person and don't think I could have tolerated any other man.

What does this mean?

I think she means she’s no longer hot enough to upgrade.