10+ years into “settling”

[Anonymous]

It's getting to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very much in love. I married a man who is a fairly high earner and good dad, but not someone I was super attracted to or had a deep connection with. We are 17 years and 4 kids in. He has turned out to be a wonderful father, which is very attractive, and he has been open and receptive to learning what I like in bed, so the sex is great and keeps getting better.

He did have trouble with addiction a few years into our marriage, and that was hard. We nearly got divorced. But he went to rehab and has been sober 12 years. It’s been good.

Love your story- can you share more? Did you go into the marriage with very similar underlying values/priorities/cultural background?

In some ways, yes. We are roughly the same age, white, and met as classmates in the same professional school. We both wanted to have four or five children. We are both committed to making the marriage work and living the best lives we can within the frame work of marriage and family.
I think it some ways this isn’t a terrible way to go into a marriage. It helps that we are never really scared of the other person leaving, and we aren’t trying to force to other person to continue acting 25 the rest of their lives in order to recreate that time.

So you didn't settle and York experience isn't relevant to this thread at all.

What do you mean by “settle?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope there are men out there who are settling as well. The responses by a lot of women here really show their transactional nature the very same criticism they Levy at men...

The only transaction women want is to have ability to reproduce. Bible called it an honorable one and a reason to marry. If men don’t want that - don’t marry. Marriage is a contract.

Men, however, are stupid or self-indulgent enough to marry someone they can’t see through is using them. Often the women have a digging goal as the only reason to date them (large age gaps).

+1. I agree on theen being stupid. My friend is getting remarried this weekend. She is 32 and he is 56. I have seen them interact. The woman is after his money period. I tried to dissuade him but looks like she put a spell on him or her p**y is one of a kind no idea but he is f**d

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced 16 years into settling. My exH was the best I could do before my fertility window would have shut closed. I think it is attainable for most people to meet a true connection. But the problem you can meet that person at 21 (when not ready, so you screw this up); at 27 (extremely lucky situation), at 36 (could be too late for kids - it would be for me) or at 57 (you would have missed the whole life and would end up childless never married person).

I regret the way my marriage fell apart but don't regret having my son. It was worth settling at 27, having him at 28. I am still relatively young to try find a true connection

This was around my timeline.

I compromised on some major red flags, including anger issues. But my fertility window was closing. It was a tough call. Sometimes I wish I had just waited another few years and been pickier. Other times I’m ok with this outcome — two amazing kids, the career I always wanted, and now some time to see what I really want in terms of a partner.

Your fertility window was not closing at 27/28.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced 16 years into settling. My exH was the best I could do before my fertility window would have shut closed. I think it is attainable for most people to meet a true connection. But the problem you can meet that person at 21 (when not ready, so you screw this up); at 27 (extremely lucky situation), at 36 (could be too late for kids - it would be for me) or at 57 (you would have missed the whole life and would end up childless never married person).

I regret the way my marriage fell apart but don't regret having my son. It was worth settling at 27, having him at 28. I am still relatively young to try find a true connection

This was around my timeline.

I compromised on some major red flags, including anger issues. But my fertility window was closing. It was a tough call. Sometimes I wish I had just waited another few years and been pickier. Other times I’m ok with this outcome — two amazing kids, the career I always wanted, and now some time to see what I really want in terms of a partner.

Your fertility window was not closing at 27/28.

I'm not the PP, but I had endometriosis and fibroids. Had to undergo several surgeries and an IVF in my 20s to get pregnant. Doctors told me I wouldn't be able to get pregnant after 30. Only 4 cells were harvested per IVF cycle, a disastrous outcome for a 20 yo. And yes, the doctors were right - I only have one child, never succeeded with pregnancy after age 30

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you married someone you could have kids and settle down with but not someone you had a deep love connection with or deep attraction — what society seems to call “settling” — how’s it going for you 10+ years in?

Why do women do this to themselves? Seriously don't marry just because you want to have children. You are robbing a potential great guy for another woman the chance at being with someone who deeply love him. Instead he doesn't know he was option #2, #3, who knows...

Men are are mostly just good for sperm nowadays… Women are out earning men and it’s not like yesteryear when women were dependent on men so it’s easier to get the sperm and then get out quickly vs enduring years of a marriage you don’t want. Women do not need men to cosign anymore!

[Anonymous]

I settled and agonized over my decision at the time. Our marriage is slowly improving, largely because we figured out how to communicate better and I am trying to let go of my delusions of life working out how I wanted.

It’s still hard when I get attention from charismatic men and I think what if I hadn’t made my choices, but I know that I chose based on what was available to me at the time.

[Anonymous]

I definitely settled and can't stand my husband but I will stay for the kids for at least 5-7 more years. I stay at home. The problem is he was never attractive to begin with but now he is completely bald and has no hobbies. The only thing he does is work out and go to work. I don't understand what his peers and bosses see in him because he's been promoted a few times. At least he makes good money. Honestly I'm surprised we could afford a single family home in Mclean.

[Anonymous]

We both settled and are both miserable. Hitting year ten now and can barely stand to be in the same room. Not sure what will happen bc kids are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you married someone you could have kids and settle down with but not someone you had a deep love connection with or deep attraction — what society seems to call “settling” — how’s it going for you 10+ years in?

Why do women do this to themselves? Seriously don't marry just because you want to have children. You are robbing a potential great guy for another woman the chance at being with someone who deeply love him. Instead he doesn't know he was option #2, #3, who knows...

Men are are mostly just good for sperm nowadays… Women are out earning men and it’s not like yesteryear when women were dependent on men so it’s easier to get the sperm and then get out quickly vs enduring years of a marriage you don’t want. Women do not need men to cosign anymore!

So you think a 50/50 custody is the way to go for a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I settled and agonized over my decision at the time. Our marriage is slowly improving, largely because we figured out how to communicate better and I am trying to let go of my delusions of life working out how I wanted.

It’s still hard when I get attention from charismatic men and I think what if I hadn’t made my choices, but I know that I chose based on what was available to me at the time.

If you had married one those charismatic man you still wouldn't have been happy. You would have found something wrong him and wondering what if.

I hate to say this but I am not surprised at all by the women saying that they have settled. Can a woman ever be fully happy with her life? To be honest I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely settled and can't stand my husband but I will stay for the kids for at least 5-7 more years. I stay at home. The problem is he was never attractive to begin with but now he is completely bald and has no hobbies. The only thing he does is work out and go to work. I don't understand what his peers and bosses see in him because he's been promoted a few times. At least he makes good money. Honestly I'm surprised we could afford a single family home in Mclean.

Too wretched to not be a troll.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP and I've seen some questions on the thread about what settled means or questioning whether someone has settled if they married they best match they could get. I deliberately put it in quotations because I'm skeptical of how people use the term. But when I wrote it I meant that you married someone you don't deeply love but you married because you thought you were running out of time to have children. Society would say you "settled" for less than a storybook romance. I'm just curious how many people have made a happy life in those circumstances and how many feel miserable because they don't have that deep love connection to get them through the hard times of raising young children.

Seems like a pretty equal number are saying a deep love connection isn't enough to get you through the hard times either, and I'm happy to see several posters say they've built a happy life with a spouse they didn't have a storybook love connection with.

Also I know DCUM is a place people to come to to vent because it's anonymous so people probably are going to be more negative here than their lives really are.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t settle. Neither of us did because he swore long before I met him he would never marry until 30 and I purposely said I’d keep getting degrees and earn my own $ before I ever settled.

We met and it was immediate fireworks, insane chemistry. We ticked every possible thing on each other’s list. Married at 27. Kids 35 and 38 (by choice) because I also did not want to bring kids into the world unless we were 100% ready, ignoring everyone’s warnings about fertility and I better start blah, blah. Each kid was conceived on first attempt.

I say that —it’s still a long marriage. Marriage isn’t always roses even for those that didn’t settle. A lot of sh@t comes up. People change. I remember reading arranged marriages/match makers sometimes have better outcomes.

It’s life. You don’t know. Life is a series of choices. Perhaps I’m still married because of that initial chemistry/friendship because nobody would blame me if I divorced—but the deep love is there.

[Anonymous]

^ I think when you have that it is possible to get through something like a midlife affair—but when you didn’t have it and “settled” it’s harder. I also think a lot of women that cheat are ones that settled and are looking for exit affairs which isn’t the same motive as men.