Help! Estrangement

[Anonymous]

I suspect you are in denial of something that happened or that there were previous signs.

My recommendation is that you go to therapy on your own and see what you learn about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you or one of you are defending a double standard that encourages the adult children to treat their parents (and their partners) in a far different way then they would expect to be treated themselves. No one is saying that the new partners should be joined at the hip to the parent.

Also note that some of these parents should not be blamed for their divorces.

1. There is a double standard. Parents choose to have their children and take on all the responsibilities that entails. Children do not have a responsibility to their parents. Sorry that wasn’t made clear to you before you stopped using birth control.

2. “Blame” for divorce isn’t the point— the point is there are known and well studied adverse outcomes for children of divorce. It’s nice that the parents get a do-over of their adult relationships but the kids never get a do-over of their childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a 99% chance that this wouldn’t be happening if you didn’t have a gf, amirit? She wants a relationship with you that excludes the gf. Not sure how healthy that is for your relationship.

Seriously? I most families I know of parents still see their adult children without the adult child's significant other, even sometimes once adult child is engaged or married. It is not an unreasonable request. There are even families with destructive sibling dynamics and parents see those siblings separately. He should be able to carve out time to see his adult daughter for lunch without his girlfriend assuming he has a healthy/not codependent/not enmeshed relationship with his girlfriend. This should not be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a 99% chance that this wouldn’t be happening if you didn’t have a gf, amirit? She wants a relationship with you that excludes the gf. Not sure how healthy that is for your relationship.

Seriously? I most families I know of parents still see their adult children without the adult child's significant other, even sometimes once adult child is engaged or married. It is not an unreasonable request. There are even families with destructive sibling dynamics and parents see those siblings separately. He should be able to carve out time to see his adult daughter for lunch without his girlfriend assuming he has a healthy/not codependent/not enmeshed relationship with his girlfriend. This should not be a big deal.

Where do you get the notion that the father isn’t carving out time to see his daughter sans gf? This situation sounds more like the daughter wants zero contact with the gf vs. a healthy mix of solo contact/couple contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a 99% chance that this wouldn’t be happening if you didn’t have a gf, amirit? She wants a relationship with you that excludes the gf. Not sure how healthy that is for your relationship.

Seriously? I most families I know of parents still see their adult children without the adult child's significant other, even sometimes once adult child is engaged or married. It is not an unreasonable request. There are even families with destructive sibling dynamics and parents see those siblings separately. He should be able to carve out time to see his adult daughter for lunch without his girlfriend assuming he has a healthy/not codependent/not enmeshed relationship with his girlfriend. This should not be a big deal.

Where do you get the notion that the father isn’t carving out time to see his daughter sans gf? This situation sounds more like the daughter wants zero contact with the gf vs. a healthy mix of solo contact/couple contact.

Would you rather be completely estranged or just see your adult child without your girlfriend now and then? Small steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a 99% chance that this wouldn’t be happening if you didn’t have a gf, amirit? She wants a relationship with you that excludes the gf. Not sure how healthy that is for your relationship.

Seriously? I most families I know of parents still see their adult children without the adult child's significant other, even sometimes once adult child is engaged or married. It is not an unreasonable request. There are even families with destructive sibling dynamics and parents see those siblings separately. He should be able to carve out time to see his adult daughter for lunch without his girlfriend assuming he has a healthy/not codependent/not enmeshed relationship with his girlfriend. This should not be a big deal.

Where do you get the notion that the father isn’t carving out time to see his daughter sans gf? This situation sounds more like the daughter wants zero contact with the gf vs. a healthy mix of solo contact/couple contact.

Because we keep saying see daughter without gf and the response is why? Would u say the same about SO? Etc.

And the answer is because that is what normal mature relationships look like. Your significant other should not feel left out if you go have lunch with your daughter by yourself. Or if you go skiing with your daughter without your significant other. Or you go to the beach with your daughter without the significant other. Or you visit your daughter in the city she lives in without bringing your significant other.

This should not be complicated.

In normal healthy families spouses see their children without the other spouse all the time. In normal healthy families, parents see children without all the siblings around all the time.

Formulate a one on one relationship with your daughter. Make sure it’s extremely strong. Don’t force her to have a relationship with your significant other, other than being kind to her when she is around.

[Anonymous]

Let's get back to the facts of OP's situation:

1. Adult daughter is introduced to GF at an introductory dinner. All seems to go well as evidenced by...
2. Daughter then accepts invitation to stay at beach house with father and GF during the summer.
3. Daughter is invited for Thanksgiving but now refuses all contact.

That's a total of 2. Two identified instances where daughter and girlfriend spent time together.

Why are so many of you extrapolating this and saying the daughter is being forced to spend time with someone she doesn't want to? That she deserves to have time with her father alone?

Where does it say that she HASN'T had that? Is everyone assuming that the father isn't doing anything one-on-one with daughter?

Would your opinion change if OP had come back on here and clarified by telling us he had ALSO taken his daughter on a couple of weekend trips, just the two of them? That he met her for lunch/dinner alone every couple of weeks?

I'd wager that the opinions still wouldn't change.

The simple reason that the majority of kids have a visceral, instinctive loyalty bind with their biological mothers. Any woman who seems to take her place in the father's life will not be welcome. Period.

Oh, and for those of you who say adult kids come first, when exactly does that end? I know of a woman who is in her 60s and STILL hasn't accepted her father's wife, who he has been married to 40 years.

[Anonymous]

Look if you are going to date or marry someone with kids, you are going to have to accept that this person has a relationship in which you really are not welcome. You can’t expect to always be included or take priority unless you are with a jerk who dumps his/ her kids. You need to go in eyes wide open that your partner will have time and financial obligations or desires toward his or her children that don’t include you. Step parents seem to be naive or selfish thinking they can impose on the pre existing parent relationship or dictate control how it goes. This results in partner choosing between his or her original children and the new partner.

OP escalated things by including GF in the family holiday and family vacation. GF is happy that adult daughter doesn’t want any more financial help from father because now it’s hers! OP you landed a bad girlfriend and are giving up a daughter. Good job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look if you are going to date or marry someone with kids, you are going to have to accept that this person has a relationship in which you really are not welcome. You can’t expect to always be included or take priority unless you are with a jerk who dumps his/ her kids. You need to go in eyes wide open that your partner will have time and financial obligations or desires toward his or her children that don’t include you.
OP escalated things by including GF in the family holiday and family vacation. GF is happy that adult daughter doesn’t want any more financial help from father because now it’s hers! OP you landed a bad girlfriend and are giving up a daughter. Good job!

"Step parents seem to be naive or selfish thinking they can impose on the pre existing parent relationship or dictate control how it goes. This results in partner choosing between his or her original children and the new partner."


Then you are 100% against divorce, right? You are 100% against any widow/widower getting remarried?

[Anonymous]

Just commenting FWIW that it seems like you and your ex have a healthy and mature relationship, at least as it relates to your DD. Nice to see and good job.

So does not seem that DD is reacting to your ex being jealous or vindictive or trying to drive a wedge between you and your DD or new GF.

is this true? if so, it does make this perplexing.

I would listen to your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look if you are going to date or marry someone with kids, you are going to have to accept that this person has a relationship in which you really are not welcome. You can’t expect to always be included or take priority unless you are with a jerk who dumps his/ her kids. You need to go in eyes wide open that your partner will have time and financial obligations or desires toward his or her children that don’t include you.
OP escalated things by including GF in the family holiday and family vacation. GF is happy that adult daughter doesn’t want any more financial help from father because now it’s hers! OP you landed a bad girlfriend and are giving up a daughter. Good job!

"Step parents seem to be naive or selfish thinking they can impose on the pre existing parent relationship or dictate control how it goes. This results in partner choosing between his or her original children and the new partner."


Then you are 100% against divorce, right? You are 100% against any widow/widower getting remarried?

I just heard this recently.

When someone marries, they create a Corportation. When they divorce the corporation is not dissolved it's just 2 subsidiaries of the original company. When you meet someone new they have their own corporation. Sometimes you merge them, but mergers are difficult. Many run them as 2 separate companies. When you are dating you are not merging, you are 2 different entities. Don't get confused, your employees don't want to go work for the other company to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look if you are going to date or marry someone with kids, you are going to have to accept that this person has a relationship in which you really are not welcome. You can’t expect to always be included or take priority unless you are with a jerk who dumps his/ her kids. You need to go in eyes wide open that your partner will have time and financial obligations or desires toward his or her children that don’t include you.
OP escalated things by including GF in the family holiday and family vacation. GF is happy that adult daughter doesn’t want any more financial help from father because now it’s hers! OP you landed a bad girlfriend and are giving up a daughter. Good job!

"Step parents seem to be naive or selfish thinking they can impose on the pre existing parent relationship or dictate control how it goes. This results in partner choosing between his or her original children and the new partner."


Then you are 100% against divorce, right? You are 100% against any widow/widower getting remarried?

Not at all. I just think that it only works out if you and your new spouse are very independent, recognize that the other party has pre existing relationships and obligations and respect this. Second marriages are different from first ones, if you can’t handle this then don’t marry a divorcee or widow/widower with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look if you are going to date or marry someone with kids, you are going to have to accept that this person has a relationship in which you really are not welcome. You can’t expect to always be included or take priority unless you are with a jerk who dumps his/ her kids. You need to go in eyes wide open that your partner will have time and financial obligations or desires toward his or her children that don’t include you.
OP escalated things by including GF in the family holiday and family vacation. GF is happy that adult daughter doesn’t want any more financial help from father because now it’s hers! OP you landed a bad girlfriend and are giving up a daughter. Good job!

"Step parents seem to be naive or selfish thinking they can impose on the pre existing parent relationship or dictate control how it goes. This results in partner choosing between his or her original children and the new partner."


Then you are 100% against divorce, right? You are 100% against any widow/widower getting remarried?

Not at all. I just think that it only works out if you and your new spouse are very independent, recognize that the other party has pre existing relationships and obligations and respect this. Second marriages are different from first ones, if you can’t handle this then don’t marry a divorcee or widow/widower with kids.

This^^^^

You either enter the relationship eyes wide open, understanding that this is very different than marrying somebody without children.

Could you imagine a widower after children losing a parent having somebody step in and be like I’m sorry you can never go to lunch with your daughter unless I’m there. No.