Help! Estrangement

[Anonymous]

Have there been any fights? Has she approached you about any issues with your GF or have you witnessed anything? Has she expressed any distress about anything with you?

I just want to make sure I understand. Your post implies you have a great relationship with ex-wife, divorce was amicable, GF makes positive effort with your daughter, no fights or disagreements and out of the blue she cut you off? Is that correct?

[Anonymous]

I would send Holiday and birthday cards with brief positive messages. No "I miss you." or "Hope to see you soon." type stuff. On months with no holidays I would send a brief text. I would limit reaching out to once a month.

[Anonymous]

It’s not this simple unless your DD has major mental health issues. It sounds like at least one of you does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not this simple unless your DD has major mental health issues. It sounds like at least one of you does.

There's something missing from this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not this simple unless your DD has major mental health issues. It sounds like at least one of you does.

There's something missing from this story.

There's a lot missing. Either OP is hiding something or lives in total denial or the daughter has joined a cult or has had a massive personality change.

[Anonymous]

Look up Joshua Coleman - he has written a book and numerous articles about this topic.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like maybe your daughter and girlfriend had an interaction that didn’t go so well and your daughter wants to limit contact. I think there is more to the story that you don’t know. Ask you GF and daughter
Stop asking your ex-wife to navigate your relationship with your kid. You need to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I feel like there’s some detail here that is significant. Was your GF or some other infidelity the cause for divorce? Is your GF barely older than your DD? Does your GF and her four kids surprisingly live with you? Is she pregnant? Did she come in and try to lay down some stepmother-y type of law about holidays, finances, or something?

There’s more to this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents tend to see a rosy picture of how divorce was the best thing and hoe well kids adjusted. That's not the case, she is still emotionally unsorted. Also, you or GF might have knowingly or unknowingly offended her. Divorce was one shock, now that she is adjusted to new reality of two homes, one is getting restricted access. That's a whole new adjustment.

Totally agree. Not at all saying that you don’t deserve to be happy (you do!) and that an adult child needs to deal with it but divorce hurts. It hurts children very deeply and no child whatever the age isn’t impacted. Give her time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Follow your ex-wife's advice.

+2. Your ex-wife is telling you that it’s about accepting change. A child, even an adult, who is having difficulty accepting change needs time and space to process. If you give her that time, and respect her need for it, she’ll come around. Send the messages like your ex suggests and let it be for now. Relationships are a long game.

[Anonymous]

Write a letter, tell her that it is not what you want, remind her that you love her and she will always be your priority but that you will do it only because she asked. You hope she has a change of heart and if and when she does you will still be there.

I’m undecided on including a part about deserving an explanation, I think that you deserve one but I’m not sure it won’t make matters worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write a letter, tell her that it is not what you want, remind her that you love her and she will always be your priority but that you will do it only because she asked. You hope she has a change of heart and if and when she does you will still be there.

I’m undecided on including a part about deserving an explanation, I think that you deserve one but I’m not sure it won’t make matters worse.

This will push her away. She knows it's not what he wants. You are trying to inflict guilt which makes people want to distance further. It is the rare case this happens out of the blue. OP may be in denial or may be minimizing things she found hurtful.

Keep it simple. You can say you are open to talking and listening with an open mind or you are here for her when she is ready.

I'm sorry OP. I am sure it is painful. Give her space. I hope she comes back and you both can have a healthier relationship.

[Anonymous]

Respect your adult child’s wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would listen to her mom for the most part. The one departure would be frequent text. Estranged ACs complain about that a lot. I would send one letter telling you that you love her and the door is always open. Tell her you are always willing to listen without judgment. Tell her you will participate in family therapy with her if she ever wants to do that. Don’t tell her how much you are hurting or that you miss her terribly, because she’ll be encouraged to view that as guilt tripping. And then respect her boundaries around communicating. If she comes back, do not push anything about your GF. Just concentrate on strengthening your relationship with DD and start from there.

I’m sorry OP, this NC thing has been an epidemic and so many families are needlessly damaged.

This can be a trap. If you stop making an effort, the kid might use it against you in the future.

Definitely stop sending money though.

[Anonymous]

Send the money to a savings account. When she comes back give it to her. "I never gave up on you".