Help! Estrangement
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Anonymous
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Anything to do but wait?
DD is in grad school and just sent a letter saying that she is skipping Thanksgiving and a planned February Caribbean trip and will be cutting off contact. She also asked that I stop sending her money. No explanation. Her mother and I were amicably divorced 5 years ago and she seemed to have taken it in stride. After the split, DD and I went on a couple trips together every year and I've heard her tell her friends that we are close. Until this letter, she called and texted a few times a week. The big development this year was introducing my GF to DD. She was the first GF I have introduced DD to. We had a lovely dinner, DD was her usual charming and witty self and was very engaged with my GF. I was proud of DD and my GF was impressed. DD then joined us at my GF's beach house over the summer and the three of us spent many hours together. I didn't think anything was amiss. FWIW, my new partner is my age. I talked to DD's mother/my ex who says DD is fine and that there isn't anything to be worried about. She says I should just be patient. My ex insists that DD knows I love her and that she loves me. The ex's theory is that DD just needs to adjust to my new life and will come back around eventually. My ex says DD meeting my GF killed any hope DD had that the family she grew up in would return. She does not think DD is isolating herself or depressed. She doesn't think I did anything awful. Rather she thinks DD needs to accept change and that DD could benefit from a little more independence from us. She suggests that I just text DD regularly to remind her that I will always be there for her. I'm thinking about writing a letter to DD, but I'm not sure what to say. I can apologize for the hurts I have caused her and ask to make amends. I can also tell DD how much I miss her and want her back. GF says I am on the right track. But I keep feeling it is insincere to apologize when I don't know what I did. |
Anonymous
| Follow your ex-wife's advice. |
Anonymous
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I would listen to her mom for the most part. The one departure would be frequent text. Estranged ACs complain about that a lot. I would send one letter telling you that you love her and the door is always open. Tell her you are always willing to listen without judgment. Tell her you will participate in family therapy with her if she ever wants to do that. Don’t tell her how much you are hurting or that you miss her terribly, because she’ll be encouraged to view that as guilt tripping. And then respect her boundaries around communicating. If she comes back, do not push anything about your GF. Just concentrate on strengthening your relationship with DD and start from there.
I’m sorry OP, this NC thing has been an epidemic and so many families are needlessly damaged. |
Anonymous
| Sounds fake but respect her wishes. Stop sending money and chasing her. |
Anonymous
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Yes, simply write one letter letting her know the door is always open and you will listen without judgment when she is ready. Make it clear if she wants family therapy, you would go, but don't make it a requirement.
Also, it is very rare that this comes out of the blue. I would be more convinced if you mentioned some disagreements, or hurtful things that were said or something that happened with your GF. I don't think there is much hope for reconciliation of you truly believe nothing is wrong at all other than you having a GF. Either she had a total personality change and has joined a cult or something or you are dealing with denial. it all sounds great-you want a connection and will beg her back, but what are you leaving out? |
Anonymous
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The best thing you can do is respect her boundary. If you don't, it will add to her unhappiness with you. She is an adult and you really can't force this.
I doubt she thinks her family is going to get back together. It's a myth that children of divorce think that. It's probably more that she's wrapped her head around the idea of what a new girlfriend means. It means eventually you'll marry, she'll be dealing with your new wife every time she wants to see you. Holidays and visits will have to be arranged around this new person's schedule. Your DD will be expected to make nice with your girlfriend's family, which can be a pain. The whole thing is a bummer for her. To a young adult, these seem like bad things. She doesn't yet understand that she's far better off with you having a partner as you age-- because a single divorced dad is likely to lean pretty hard on his daughter in old age. Give her time and RESPECT HER BOUNDARIES she may come around to this way of thinking. |
Anonymous
This. Either your DD has psychosis or something, or you're in denial of the reasons. You might also be in denial of how well she has handled your divorce. It's common for divorcing parents to see things too positively in this situation. Also consider that your DD might have been pretending to like your GF but actually does not like her at all. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html I often recommend this website for its detailed discussion of estrangement perspectives of parents and adult children. I will point out to you, OP, that it's very common for parents to say they don't know what they did wrong, even when it's really obvious. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like maybe she's overwhelmed at the prospect of integrating another adult into the family. The age your DD is at, she may be dating and thinking of marriage and how her adult life will go-- and you've thrown a curve ball into what used to be a "new normal" after the divorce. When you divorce, you dump a lot of long-term logistical problems onto your child's lap, and she may be waking up to that and what a hassle it's all going to be, and she wants to opt right out.
I think you have to give her time-- that's really the only option. The bottom line is that people have the right to estrange, even if the estranged person thinks their reasons are inadequate. |
Anonymous
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I would, in your position send a card (so she can re-read as she wishes) saying you will respect her wishes, and the door will always be open for her to reach out when she's ready.
And then I'd still send her a card (but not gift) on her birthday, Christmas, etc. so she never thinks you forgot. She can throw them out if she wants, but she'll never wonder if you care or still think of her. |
Anonymous
Here’s the other part of the story from issendai. Go to archive . ph (no spaces) and cut and paste the link above so you can see the original siste. It details how estrangement is not always a parent’s fault, and offers helpful advice for understanding defensive/offensive abuse, navigating estrangement, etc. That link above is one page specifically about parents who belong to a particular kind of forum. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Parents tend to see a rosy picture of how divorce was the best thing and hoe well kids adjusted. That's not the case, she is still emotionally unsorted. Also, you or GF might have knowingly or unknowingly offended her. Divorce was one shock, now that she is adjusted to new reality of two homes, one is getting restricted access. That's a whole new adjustment. |
Anonymous
| I would reach out to her so she won't feel you don't care anymore. |
Anonymous
| Has your DD come out as trans? |
Anonymous
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Yes, follow your ex's advice.
Entirely separately, I think your adult daughter is reacting very stupidly. But I guess she's still growing and developing, and still has moments of childishness. She will come back to you if you act as the adult and give her some loving space. |