Help! Estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H and I are amicably divorced.

They have asked that we don’t invite them to things with our significant others.

They want a relationship with us not our SO. They are not saying they never want to see our SO. For example my H’s SO. Came to Thanksgiving dinner at my house

But for every interaction with the SO present they would like a few without

We don’t vacation with the SO, we don’t visit them with the SO.

For me it was easy my SO (quite frankly) doesn’t care one way or another. Hrs not like we need to be one big happy family. He’s like go be with your adult kids and grandchildren I’ll be here when you come back,

Women OTOH take these things personally. Women tend to want to be “part of the family”. Perhaps the GF gave off the I’ll be a bonus mom vibe

But I would not just drop it at 1 letter I’d go visit your daughter alone and ask her what a relationship she wants with you looks like.

Let me ask you this: Would you EVER say something similar to your adult child? Tell them that you want to see them but only on the condition they leave their spouse/partner at home? I doubt you would.

Why is it completely up to an ADULT child to dictate terms of the relationship? I always thought relationships were two-way streets.

It's also easy for you to say you don't mind because you are not being asked/told to stay away. Your SO is the one staying at home while you visit your kids/grandkids. You may think he doesn't mind being excluded but he may have a different take.

I agree that that situation is terrible. Not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H and I are amicably divorced.

They have asked that we don’t invite them to things with our significant others.

They want a relationship with us not our SO. They are not saying they never want to see our SO. For example my H’s SO. Came to Thanksgiving dinner at my house

But for every interaction with the SO present they would like a few without

We don’t vacation with the SO, we don’t visit them with the SO.

For me it was easy my SO (quite frankly) doesn’t care one way or another. Hrs not like we need to be one big happy family. He’s like go be with your adult kids and grandchildren I’ll be here when you come back,

Women OTOH take these things personally. Women tend to want to be “part of the family”. Perhaps the GF gave off the I’ll be a bonus mom vibe

But I would not just drop it at 1 letter I’d go visit your daughter alone and ask her what a relationship she wants with you looks like.

Let me ask you this: Would you EVER say something similar to your adult child? Tell them that you want to see them but only on the condition they leave their spouse/partner at home? I doubt you would.

Why is it completely up to an ADULT child to dictate terms of the relationship? I always thought relationships were two-way streets.

It's also easy for you to say you don't mind because you are not being asked/told to stay away. Your SO is the one staying at home while you visit your kids/grandkids. You may think he doesn't mind being excluded but he may have a different take.

I agree that that situation is terrible. Not healthy.

A terrible situation is a forcing your daughter to be around your new GF for every interaction with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H and I are amicably divorced.

They have asked that we don’t invite them to things with our significant others.

They want a relationship with us not our SO. They are not saying they never want to see our SO. For example my H’s SO. Came to Thanksgiving dinner at my house

But for every interaction with the SO present they would like a few without

We don’t vacation with the SO, we don’t visit them with the SO.

For me it was easy my SO (quite frankly) doesn’t care one way or another. Hrs not like we need to be one big happy family. He’s like go be with your adult kids and grandchildren I’ll be here when you come back,

Women OTOH take these things personally. Women tend to want to be “part of the family”. Perhaps the GF gave off the I’ll be a bonus mom vibe

But I would not just drop it at 1 letter I’d go visit your daughter alone and ask her what a relationship she wants with you looks like.

Let me ask you this: Would you EVER say something similar to your adult child? Tell them that you want to see them but only on the condition they leave their spouse/partner at home? I doubt you would.

Why is it completely up to an ADULT child to dictate terms of the relationship? I always thought relationships were two-way streets.

It's also easy for you to say you don't mind because you are not being asked/told to stay away. Your SO is the one staying at home while you visit your kids/grandkids. You may think he doesn't mind being excluded but he may have a different take.

And that’s why your kids don’t speak to you. You are the parent, and you owe it to your kids to put them first.

NP. I don’t have a horse in this race (still married, parents still married, all stable happy marriages) but this is not a healthy take at all. It feels extremely narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Listen to your ex. Play it cool, be mature, don't panic. Either she comes back on her own or doesn't, it's not going to happen because you hound her enough (I know not your intention) or because you apologized 16 times in ten different letters. Maybe send one message somehow to her expressing your apologies and then during the holidays this year send another reminding her that you'll always be there for her or something.

BTW, she sounds immature and kind of unstable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your ex. Play it cool, be mature, don't panic. Either she comes back on her own or doesn't, it's not going to happen because you hound her enough (I know not your intention) or because you apologized 16 times in ten different letters. Maybe send one message somehow to her expressing your apologies and then during the holidays this year send another reminding her that you'll always be there for her or something.

BTW, she sounds immature and kind of unstable.

The GF won’t last then he can see her again.

He sounds immature not the daughter,

We saw through his “I’m the greatest dad “ routine when he showed won’t even do dinner with his daughter unless his GF comes. Pathetic. Men always putty pu$$y before their children,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H and I are amicably divorced.

They have asked that we don’t invite them to things with our significant others.

They want a relationship with us not our SO. They are not saying they never want to see our SO. For example my H’s SO. Came to Thanksgiving dinner at my house

But for every interaction with the SO present they would like a few without

We don’t vacation with the SO, we don’t visit them with the SO.

For me it was easy my SO (quite frankly) doesn’t care one way or another. Hrs not like we need to be one big happy family. He’s like go be with your adult kids and grandchildren I’ll be here when you come back,

Women OTOH take these things personally. Women tend to want to be “part of the family”. Perhaps the GF gave off the I’ll be a bonus mom vibe

But I would not just drop it at 1 letter I’d go visit your daughter alone and ask her what a relationship she wants with you looks like.

Let me ask you this: Would you EVER say something similar to your adult child? Tell them that you want to see them but only on the condition they leave their spouse/partner at home? I doubt you would.

Why is it completely up to an ADULT child to dictate terms of the relationship? I always thought relationships were two-way streets.

It's also easy for you to say you don't mind because you are not being asked/told to stay away. Your SO is the one staying at home while you visit your kids/grandkids. You may think he doesn't mind being excluded but he may have a different take.

And that’s why your kids don’t speak to you. You are the parent, and you owe it to your kids to put them first.

NP. I don’t have a horse in this race (still married, parents still married, all stable happy marriages) but this is not a healthy take at all. It feels extremely narcissistic.

He’s narcissistic… could you imagine if you told your wife she could never, ever do anything with your daughter unless you were with them.

What would your wife say if she said I’m doing lunch with Larla Sunday and you were like oh I’m busy reschedule you may never go to lunch with our daughter unless I am there also

Your wife has never don’t a spa weekend with your adult daughter without you because you’d feel “left out”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your ex. Play it cool, be mature, don't panic. Either she comes back on her own or doesn't, it's not going to happen because you hound her enough (I know not your intention) or because you apologized 16 times in ten different letters. Maybe send one message somehow to her expressing your apologies and then during the holidays this year send another reminding her that you'll always be there for her or something.

BTW, she sounds immature and kind of unstable.

The GF won’t last then he can see her again.

He sounds immature not the daughter,

We saw through his “I’m the greatest dad “ routine when he showed won’t even do dinner with his daughter unless his GF comes. Pathetic. Men always putty pu$$y before their children,

Exactly. Unless he makes a move quickly, he will lose his daughter forever. I’ve seen this happen many times, new GF insists on being included in everything and dad gives in. So much for being a committed parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your ex. Play it cool, be mature, don't panic. Either she comes back on her own or doesn't, it's not going to happen because you hound her enough (I know not your intention) or because you apologized 16 times in ten different letters. Maybe send one message somehow to her expressing your apologies and then during the holidays this year send another reminding her that you'll always be there for her or something.

BTW, she sounds immature and kind of unstable.

The GF won’t last then he can see her again.

He sounds immature not the daughter,

We saw through his “I’m the greatest dad “ routine when he showed won’t even do dinner with his daughter unless his GF comes. Pathetic. Men always putty pu$$y before their children,

Exactly. Unless he makes a move quickly, he will lose his daughter forever. I’ve seen this happen many times, new GF insists on being included in everything and dad gives in. So much for being a committed parent.

It’s so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H and I are amicably divorced.

They have asked that we don’t invite them to things with our significant others.

They want a relationship with us not our SO. They are not saying they never want to see our SO. For example my H’s SO. Came to Thanksgiving dinner at my house

But for every interaction with the SO present they would like a few without

We don’t vacation with the SO, we don’t visit them with the SO.

For me it was easy my SO (quite frankly) doesn’t care one way or another. Hrs not like we need to be one big happy family. He’s like go be with your adult kids and grandchildren I’ll be here when you come back,

Women OTOH take these things personally. Women tend to want to be “part of the family”. Perhaps the GF gave off the I’ll be a bonus mom vibe

But I would not just drop it at 1 letter I’d go visit your daughter alone and ask her what a relationship she wants with you looks like.

Let me ask you this: Would you EVER say something similar to your adult child? Tell them that you want to see them but only on the condition they leave their spouse/partner at home? I doubt you would.

Why is it completely up to an ADULT child to dictate terms of the relationship? I always thought relationships were two-way streets.

It's also easy for you to say you don't mind because you are not being asked/told to stay away. Your SO is the one staying at home while you visit your kids/grandkids. You may think he doesn't mind being excluded but he may have a different take.

Because you (the parent) have an obligation to the child. It doesn’t go away when they’re adults. They already got all the well-studied ramifications of being the children of divorce, now you get to experience what’s called “the consequences of your actions”.

[Anonymous]

Some of you or one of you are defending a double standard that encourages the adult children to treat their parents (and their partners) in a far different way then they would expect to be treated themselves. No one is saying that the new partners should be joined at the hip to the parent.

Also note that some of these parents should not be blamed for their divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut her off completely. Write her out of your will. She sounds like a spoiled brat. Move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you or one of you are defending a double standard that encourages the adult children to treat their parents (and their partners) in a far different way then they would expect to be treated themselves. No one is saying that the new partners should be joined at the hip to the parent.

Also note that some of these parents should not be blamed for their divorces.

Irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you or one of you are defending a double standard that encourages the adult children to treat their parents (and their partners) in a far different way then they would expect to be treated themselves. No one is saying that the new partners should be joined at the hip to the parent.

Also note that some of these parents should not be blamed for their divorces.

Yet the daughter is never seeing the dad without the SO “joined at the hip”.

So yes, she has a right to say , “when you get your priorities straight I’ll see you again but until then I’d like a break from you and your temporary girlfriend”.

[Anonymous]

The original post was so very clearly written by a woman. “Charming and witty self,” indeed.

[Anonymous]

The original post is from November 25th and the OP never returned to answer questions or offer clarification.