What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have 2 concerns at this time:

1. How to make sure your kid continues to do well in college

and

2. How to pay for your kid's college

Hopefully you had #2 figured out before you chose to uncover your husband's affair and break up the marriage instead of letting the affair smolder. Most affairs eventually stop on their own if you just let them alone. Now this is a much messier situation that is harder to fix.

If you kind of got all emotional and did not really think #2 through, then you need to start thinking about it.

It is horrid, but there is most likely no legal recourse to make your husband pay for your child's college if they choose not to do it. If you are financially set, and kid's tution is all locked in within a dedicated fully funded 529 plan, that is great! Otherwise, you may find out your husband's priorities have waaaaaaaaaaay shifted now.

As to the substance of your question, say whatever you need to your kid to allow them to keep studying instead of getting depressed, or overly involved in this sordid affair. You are super focused on your own feelings of being betrayed right now. These are important, but if you can, talk them through with the therapist or something, and focus on supporting your child.

[/b]

Are you kidding me? Way to pass the responsibility of blowing up the marriage on OP. Absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

This is interesting because I feel like a bore the brunt of my dad's affair because my mom was so unpleasant to be around. She would get irritated at me a lot in ways that were not fair.

Ie, I was a high achieving high school student who would stay up late doing homework and come down in the morning and want to just sit groggily and eat my cereal. She would get pissed I was not chatty Cathy and start criticizing me for not talking with her enough when I was still half asleep. She was just angry and irritated and unpleasant to be around.

Tell her the truth, but don't take it out on her and don't be mad if she was to see her dad. Don't expect her to take sides.

She is an adult. You don't get to decide for her that she goes to have Thanksgiving at your friend's without her dad. She may want to spend Thanksgiving, or part of Thanksgiving, with him, and that is ok.

In fairness it sounds like your mom had zero coping skills. I am not your mother and you're projecting a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by the cruel responses here to OP. This is not “just” the guy deciding he wants someone else and breaking off a long marriage. That’s bad enough but can at least happen ethically. It’s also the cheating and lying from someone you always trusted, to whom you made a commitment. Ridiculous to talk about letting an affair smolder. Who can live like that? Ask me how I know. Last point: people who behave like this are betraying not only their spouse but their entire family. Think about it. Lie to and devalue your wife, you’re also lying to and devaluing your children. Because adult children, as one PP said, are smart. A child who loves their mother will not accept what amounts to emotional abuse. Want to end it, sure! Stuff happens, people change etc. But don’t destroy your spouse’s self-worth with lying, cheating and gaslighting (so so common - OP, go see chumplady.com.

I agree that the chump lady website is helpful.

But you’re gonna have to get a thicker skin if you’re gonna post on this board.

You have to realize a lot of people posting are going to be other women, praying and hoping that their husbands leave their wives.

I think the original poster is smart enough to know when she’s talking to an intelligent, thoughtful person and a psycho other woman.

My skin is pretty thick. I have a good support system. I've had a lot of therapy in my life. Relationships don't implode in a vacuum. I'm not going to beat myself up and I'm not going to be a victim but there are some very serious, real, ugly consequences to this and it's going to be my job to manage the cleanup because he simply is not capable.

I agree but when my life imploded I thought hmm this doesn’t make sense.

Ended up my ex has PTSD and I got him help
Because the most important thing is the kids have a healthy parents.

Now your STBX might just be a plain ole narcissist and your kid is gonna have to learn to live with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

This is interesting because I feel like a bore the brunt of my dad's affair because my mom was so unpleasant to be around. She would get irritated at me a lot in ways that were not fair.

Ie, I was a high achieving high school student who would stay up late doing homework and come down in the morning and want to just sit groggily and eat my cereal. She would get pissed I was not chatty Cathy and start criticizing me for not talking with her enough when I was still half asleep. She was just angry and irritated and unpleasant to be around.

Tell her the truth, but don't take it out on her and don't be mad if she was to see her dad. Don't expect her to take sides.

She is an adult. You don't get to decide for her that she goes to have Thanksgiving at your friend's without her dad. She may want to spend Thanksgiving, or part of Thanksgiving, with him, and that is ok.

Your mother was hurting and probably trying to hold it together as best as she could. You should realize that now with the benefit of age and hopefully some maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Agree.

I think OP and a lot of posters are missing the point. The man is the kids' father and the mom should try to avoid destroying that relationship.

I don't know why the man had an affair, but I many instances or even most, "we grew apart" is true, even if it's incomplete.

Listen the kids not an idiot. Dad is now living with Larla .. you think he’s not gonna figure it out… jeez. The stupidity

[Anonymous]

Who’s paying for college? Don’t jeopardize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by the cruel responses here to OP. This is not “just” the guy deciding he wants someone else and breaking off a long marriage. That’s bad enough but can at least happen ethically. It’s also the cheating and lying from someone you always trusted, to whom you made a commitment. Ridiculous to talk about letting an affair smolder. Who can live like that? Ask me how I know. Last point: people who behave like this are betraying not only their spouse but their entire family. Think about it. Lie to and devalue your wife, you’re also lying to and devaluing your children. Because adult children, as one PP said, are smart. A child who loves their mother will not accept what amounts to emotional abuse. Want to end it, sure! Stuff happens, people change etc. But don’t destroy your spouse’s self-worth with lying, cheating and gaslighting (so so common - OP, go see chumplady.com.

I agree that the chump lady website is helpful.

But you’re gonna have to get a thicker skin if you’re gonna post on this board.

You have to realize a lot of people posting are going to be other women, praying and hoping that their husbands leave their wives.

I think the original poster is smart enough to know when she’s talking to an intelligent, thoughtful person and a psycho other woman.

My skin is pretty thick. I have a good support system. I've had a lot of therapy in my life. Relationships don't implode in a vacuum. I'm not going to beat myself up and I'm not going to be a victim but there are some very serious, real, ugly consequences to this and it's going to be my job to manage the cleanup because he simply is not capable.

I agree but when my life imploded I thought hmm this doesn’t make sense.

Ended up my ex has PTSD and I got him help
Because the most important thing is the kids have a healthy parents.

Now your STBX might just be a plain ole narcissist and your kid is gonna have to learn to live with that.

How do you get help for someone who refuses help?... I have suggested many times through the years that dh get a therapist. I've had many in my life, thank God, because each one brought different nuggets of wisdom along the way. He sees therapy as something weak people do. Which, as I write that, lol...I guess he's perceived me as weak for 30 years...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Agree.

I think OP and a lot of posters are missing the point. The man is the kids' father and the mom should try to avoid destroying that relationship.

I don't know why the man had an affair, but I many instances or even most, "we grew apart" is true, even if it's incomplete.

Listen the kids not an idiot. Dad is now living with Larla .. you think he’s not gonna figure it out… jeez. The stupidity

As far as I know he's not planning to live with Larla immediately. I'm pretty sure he's going to do the bachelor pad phase. But actually I don't know. But yes Dad is WITH Larla. I'm sure he can't wait to introduce them, I'm not kidding. I really think he's thinking "I'm so happy I want you to see how happy I am and who is making me so happy." head slap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college? Don’t jeopardize that.

We are. There's a college fund. I'm not concerned about paying for college, thank God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Agree.

I think OP and a lot of posters are missing the point. The man is the kids' father and the mom should try to avoid destroying that relationship.

I don't know why the man had an affair, but I many instances or even most, "we grew apart" is true, even if it's incomplete.

NP. We grew apart = I had sex with a married woman who's not your mom and she got pregnant so unfortunately there were consequences.

[Anonymous]

You speak the truth. Dad has been having an affair. That's a fact. He no longer wants to be married. State the facts. In a couple of sentences. Ff Op chooses to, without trashing him. But trashing him happens, some, that would be expected. And certainly was the risk he took. What his kids thought of him - was not on his mind when he had his affair. He cared nothing about that.

Btw Op, if kids see you angry, sad, crying - it's what an ordinary reaction should be. Don't screw with their reality. This hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college? Don’t jeopardize that.

Why would OP be the one who jeopardizes that?

[Anonymous]

OP, just be honest with your son. I would have the conversation sooner rather than at Thanksgiving break (3 weeks away). If you are within driving distance, I would visit ASAP and talk in person. Remind him that you are there to answer his questions today and in the future. Also, I would bring up the therapy conversation because this is hard situation to navigate.
Hang in there. You sound like a good mom. Your emotions are going to be all over the place too.

[Anonymous]

Use the word "affair." Everyone knows "affair" means sex. They are/have been having sex. Everyone will know that. And lying to others.

Use the word affair as often as you can. It keeps the reason out there, in front of everyone, without being unnecessarily vulgar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Agree.

I think OP and a lot of posters are missing the point. The man is the kids' father and the mom should try to avoid destroying that relationship.

I don't know why the man had an affair, but I many instances or even most, "we grew apart" is true, even if it's incomplete.

Yes. And, the responsibility to explain the man’s actions belong with the man who took the actions.