What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

You seem selfish and a little delusional OP thinking that your son will want to hang out with your best friend and socialize over thanksgiving after hearing that his world came apart. I get why you want to go but I can’t imagine why you think he will still go, no matter when you spring this news on him. It honestly makes me wonder how much of the breakup is actually your husband’s fault.

In any case, I doubt your husband is going to explain it so I would not expect that. I think saying he’s in a relationship with someone else is the best. Don’t mention his body parts as you did in a post above because at this point it looks like it’s a lot more than that if he moved out without hesitation. Your son being an adult will figure out some of it by himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

You had absolutely no sympathy for your mom, huh?

Kids (and most people) care about how they are treated. No one wants to be around someone who is raging for long. Parents make big exceptions for their kids, but kids aren’t supposed to have to parents their parents. They aren’t supposed to be doing heavy emotional lifting to manage their parents. I didn’t assume PP lacked sympathy, just that it was difficult to be raged at and around.

As much as I am furious right now, I would never rage/trauma dump on my kid. This is not their burden But they also deserve some version of the truth which is that this was not a mutual decision. They can put two and two together and as I said earlier, it's going to be obvious pretty quickly that Dad has moved on with someone else. I want to protect my kid but this is going to rock their world. But everything we would have done as a family over this break is now not happening. Most of their close HS friends will not be around over Thanksgiving. We've always had some Thanksgiving weekend family rituals that we have done for years that they always look forward to. I just need to figure when and how this news should be presented. It seems like the two best shitty options are 1. I tell them ahead of time what's going on and let them decide if they want to fly back for break or 2. sit down as a family when they get home, let dh break the news with me present so he doesn't get away with not being truthful that this was a unilateral decision. It's so fresh and new and I'm trying to manage two things right now - processing it myself and helping our kid process it. DH has been emotionally absent for years. He is blaming his decision on me - as I said to him the other day "you can point all the fingers you want at me, and I can certainly point plenty of fingers at myself, but you are not owning a single part of this in any way." Ugh. FML.

Option 1. This could have a significant effect on their course work performance. I expect they will need to go straight back for finals right after thanksgiving? Option 1 - tell them now - provides time and space to digest this info, navigate course challenges, and go into finals with their mental stability as smooth as possible.

[Anonymous]

Yes - you need to be honest, but the two of you can plans Thanksgiving filled with old traditions and make new ones. Let your child express their loss and anger.
It makes me so sick that your DH decided to leave you and his kid for a floozy, but he will regret it when he is alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son doesn’t deserve 2 lying parents do not do the bull shit answer… we couldn’t stay married.

1. You say dad is moving out, I don’t completely understand it right now. People go through things and your dad is going through something right now neither of us is going to understand.

2. I am keeping the house and you will always have a home at least until you have your own home. (My kids really needed to hear we were not selling the house)

3. We have enough money for college that is not a worry for us so it should not be a worry for you.

4. I am fine, I’m strong, intelligent, and independent. I have very close friends to be my support system.

5. You will need friends to support you don’t try to keep this a secret, you should talk to <fill in blank of best friend>. There is nothing shameful about your family going through a rough time don’t keep
This a secret.

6. Find a family therapist for him to talk to. Are you in MD? I could recommend someone.

He’s gonna be very upset so plan to do something after… go for a hike, a museum m, shopping, go for dinner/ice cream, movie.

Here is the thing… treat your H like he is having a mental health crisis because most likely he is. Seriously who leaves mid semester instead of at least waiting until exams are over, he’s a d!ck plain and simple.

Only 5% of affairs become relationships. I’d wait until the summer to say dad is living with someone if it ends up he is, because most likely that will blow up in his face.

This is great advice, OP. I hope you take it. And remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. It sounds like this is all really fresh so make sure you get your own wallowing done too - just not in front of DS, obviously.

[Anonymous]

I’d go with option 1, your ki may not want to see your DH for a long time, if ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem selfish and a little delusional OP thinking that your son will want to hang out with your best friend and socialize over thanksgiving after hearing that his world came apart. I get why you want to go but I can’t imagine why you think he will still go, no matter when you spring this news on him. It honestly makes me wonder how much of the breakup is actually your husband’s fault.

In any case, I doubt your husband is going to explain it so I would not expect that. I think saying he’s in a relationship with someone else is the best. Don’t mention his body parts as you did in a post above because at this point it looks like it’s a lot more than that if he moved out without hesitation. Your son being an adult will figure out some of it by himself.

Maybe the son could go have thanksgiving at his dad’s girlfriend’s house?

Dad would have to tell his son about the existence of his new girlfriend before that happens, though.

You admit that dad won’t tell his own son what is happening, why do you think that is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d go with option 1, your ki may not want to see your DH for a long time, if ever.

That's honestly not my end goal. I think they're going to be pretty pissed for some of the same reasons I'm pissed - there are so many healthier ways to say "this marriage isn't working for me anymore" and take next steps - but I also think they will find some compassion for their dad who is clearly in a dark place right now, as happy as he believes he is going to be with this other person....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

My freshmen college roommate and her brother (upperclassmen) were destroyed when something like this happened to them. They had a very hard time with it. They said they felt like there entire childhood was a lie. They were very depressed and also so angry at their dad. His timing is awful. There is a misconception kids are older it won’t matter/-/but college kids need that safety and security net at home with so much change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think especially boys tend to side with their mothers and feel protective towards them.

I know of two separate situations where the college-age sons quit speaking to their fathers. In one instance the rupture was permanent.

It can really mess up a college kid, so proceed with prudence.

Except when mom was the cheater like my ex-wife. lol

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that have advocated for compassionate honesty.

Wait until your son comes home, because there is nothing he can do about the situation and it will only cause him angst/worry until Thanksgiving.

Tell him that DH wants a divorce and has left the home. Tell him you were also shocked, hurt, surprised, blindsided, etc.

A college age kid is going to want to know why his dad would do something so out of character and disruptive to his live. He is going to ask you.

It is absolutely okay to say that you discovered an affair, and when you confronted DH he opted to leave. Your son is going to figure all this out anyway, and they are simple facts that will help him process what is happening.

Line up some therapy for your son before he gets back so he has someone professional and neutral to talk to about all of this.

Your son’s relationship with his dad is not your responsibility anymore. I’d make it clear to your son that you don’t expect nor want him to choose sides, that you will support his right to have a positive relationship with his dad, etc. however, that is the extent of your responsibilities there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go with option 1, your ki may not want to see your DH for a long time, if ever.

That's honestly not my end goal. I think they're going to be pretty pissed for some of the same reasons I'm pissed - there are so many healthier ways to say "this marriage isn't working for me anymore" and take next steps - but I also think they will find some compassion for their dad who is clearly in a dark place right now, as happy as he believes he is going to be with this other person....

Dad is responsible for his relationship with his kid.

Don’t lie to your kid about what dad is doing. You aren’t being vengeful or mean by gently and lovingly telling your child the truth about his family. He deserves to know the truth. He deserves to face what is happening and digest it and rebuild his life after he comes to terms with it. Lying about this will delay the process while magnifying the uncertainty. A painful truth is better than a pretty lie.

Under no circumstances should you be anything less than completely honest with your child. He’s going to be upset and confused about this situation and deserves the truth from someone who loves him. Do not leave him to “figure out” or guess at what is going on by himself. That’s intolerably cruel and will lead to possible mental health problems and certainly damage your trustworthiness with your son.

Your husband isn’t being honest with your son. You have to be the safe, sane parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go with option 1, your ki may not want to see your DH for a long time, if ever.

That's honestly not my end goal. I think they're going to be pretty pissed for some of the same reasons I'm pissed - there are so many healthier ways to say "this marriage isn't working for me anymore" and take next steps - but I also think they will find some compassion for their dad who is clearly in a dark place right now, as happy as he believes he is going to be with this other person....

Dad is responsible for his relationship with his kid.

Don’t lie to your kid about what dad is doing. You aren’t being vengeful or mean by gently and lovingly telling your child the truth about his family. He deserves to know the truth. He deserves to face what is happening and digest it and rebuild his life after he comes to terms with it. Lying about this will delay the process while magnifying the uncertainty. A painful truth is better than a pretty lie.

Under no circumstances should you be anything less than completely honest with your child. He’s going to be upset and confused about this situation and deserves the truth from someone who loves him. Do not leave him to “figure out” or guess at what is going on by himself. That’s intolerably cruel and will lead to possible mental health problems and certainly damage your trustworthiness with your son.

Your husband isn’t being honest with your son. You have to be the safe, sane parent.

More really great points and thank you. I cannot manage their relationship. My SIL left my brother many years ago. But not like this and not using someone else as a catalyst to get out. It's probably one of the healthiest divorces I know of and I give her mad props for how she handled the whole situation. She is still very much in my life - she and her partner stay with us when they're in town and she and her partner have spent many a Thanksgiving or Christmas at my parents' house. So I know from personal experience that it doesn't have to be so ugly and traumatic. Unfortunately, my situation is not the same and that's a huge bummer. It didn't have to be so ugly.

[Anonymous]

^ It sucks, but you are better off without him if this is how he’s treating your innocent son.

He’s knocked you back right now; you are reeling. Do not get down on yourself for being hurt and feeling betrayed and sad.

Your son is going to really go through it, due to dad’s ridiculous and unnecessary actions.

Whatever kindness/sanity/positivity you can muster for yourself, and you should be kind to yourself, share it with your son. You are both in the same boat right now, the S.S. Blindsided. Remember that no one can build their happiness on the pain of others.

Good wishes and hugs to you and your son, op. It’s really unfortunate for both of you. People can remarry or find new partners; kids can’t find new moms or dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

This is interesting because I feel like a bore the brunt of my dad's affair because my mom was so unpleasant to be around. She would get irritated at me a lot in ways that were not fair.

Ie, I was a high achieving high school student who would stay up late doing homework and come down in the morning and want to just sit groggily and eat my cereal. She would get pissed I was not chatty Cathy and start criticizing me for not talking with her enough when I was still half asleep. She was just angry and irritated and unpleasant to be around.

Tell her the truth, but don't take it out on her and don't be mad if she was to see her dad. Don't expect her to take sides.

She is an adult. You don't get to decide for her that she goes to have Thanksgiving at your friend's without her dad. She may want to spend Thanksgiving, or part of Thanksgiving, with him, and that is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ It sucks, but you are better off without him if this is how he’s treating your innocent son.

He’s knocked you back right now; you are reeling. Do not get down on yourself for being hurt and feeling betrayed and sad.

Your son is going to really go through it, due to dad’s ridiculous and unnecessary actions.

Whatever kindness/sanity/positivity you can muster for yourself, and you should be kind to yourself, share it with your son. You are both in the same boat right now, the S.S. Blindsided. Remember that no one can build their happiness on the pain of others.

Good wishes and hugs to you and your son, op. It’s really unfortunate for both of you. People can remarry or find new partners; kids can’t find new moms or dads.

This is such a kind response. Thank you so much. I'm devasted on behalf of our kid. I at least saw warning signs and red flags and really thought I was going crazy but I can't say I was completely blindsided - I feel like I was pushed to a point where he forced me to confront him. My therapist said "you might be crzy and you might not be but it's probably best at this point to come out and ask, and be prepared to find out you actually weren't being paranoid." But... I highly doubt these warning signs/flags have been nearly as visible to our kid. One of my best friends who knows dh so well said *she* feels gut punched because our relationship appeared pretty solid and mutually respectful. I really have to get myself together mentally to support our child.