Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry this is happening. My good friend dated her Korean boyfriend all through high school, college and then long distance in law school. 9 years total. When they graduated from their respective law schools he broke up with her, because his parents (in particular the mother) had always said he was forbidden to marry he because she wasn't Koreanr, threatened to disinherit and stop speaking to him if he did and he finally realized they were never going to change. So he broke up with my friend, devastating her.

My friend is Chinese. She isn't white, black, hispanic, etc. She's also Asian. But being Chinese apparently wasn't good enough.

They all are from Montgomery County.

Your DD is in for a world of hurt. I am sorry, really sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

To many Koreans, EVERYTHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

Why do people like this come to the USA if they don’t want to adapt in any way?

OP should ask that very quesrion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Are you really that stupid or just looking for problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a freshman in college and so is her (now long-distance) boyfriend. They dated their senior year before separating for internships/ college. We were going to meet up with them for a last family vacation before classes start.

I just got the strangest message from the father of her boyfriend demanding that I forbid them from seeing each other or else he will cut off funding for his son. He plans to call me tomorrow to discuss.

We knew the boyfriend’s family was difficult based on stories he had shared. But when we’ve met them briefly they seemed civil.

I have no idea how to respond to this. In my mind both of our children are adults.

How would you handle?

I am Indian American with immigrant parents so I want to be clear that I appreciate the cultural component here. I understand the crazy (from our perspective) here. I am also a rather conservative minded person myself and I feel it's important to respect your elders.

HOWEVER, the bolded above would be a Hard No from me dog, and I would express that very clearly. He needs to understand that he is being inappropriate and he does not control you.

I don't understand the threat about cutting his son off. What does that have to do with you? I'd be like, You do you boo.

I would also kind of welcome any and all insults about my own DD he feels the need to express (unless you think there's any truth to her being an objectively bad influence on him??) and if he does, tell him to go F*** himself and HE (dad) better stay the F*** away from her. You can back that up with some threats of your own like a restraining order. (You say the fam has been problematic, so I don't know how bad this will get.)

What I'm saying is, I would be true to my own values, defend my family, and let the chips fall where they may. IMHO there's nothing else to do.

You would threaten a restraining order if he insults your daughter? You're as crazy as he is. And that's pretty freakin' crazy.

A man is insulting your daughter and feels intense anger that she is around his son. Yeah, threatening a RO is fine.
I didn't start this sh*t but I sure will end it.

As long as the message you want to convey is that you are a complete dolt who doesn't know his ass from his elbow, sure. Go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the US for all it’s faults is still a really great free country.

One of the few countries where an immigrant who doesn't have the same skin color as most of the native population or have any education can make good money.

My sister actually went through something similar with her now DH. His parents were not happy that he was dating my sister while he was in college (even though we are also Korean). TBF, his grades did tank a lot when he started dating my sister. lol.

I feel for that guy, but it's also really hard for immigrant parents. Yes, they should not expect their children to not conform to the country they immigrated to, but it's really hard for people to let go of their culture and expectations. I'm sure European (and other) immigrants went through the same thing.

Look at it this way, if your kid was dating someone whom you thought was a really bad influence or you noticed that your kid's grades were tanking when they started dating, wouldn't you be concerned and want to separate them? That's how this father sees it. Now, imagine you are paying $50K+ a year for college for this kid, but his grades are tanking. Wouldn't you want your kid to stop the distractions and focus on his studies?

For the most part, western parents see 18+ year olds as adults who can make their own decisions, but a lot of the more conservative countries don't share that same view. So, it's hard for those parents to let their teens make their own decisions, especially when the parent feels that those decisions will negatively impact their kid. I was a boring teen who never got into any trouble, never dated in HS (because I didn't like anyone enough to), and got great grades, so my parents largely left me alone. But, my oldest sibling bore the brunt of their cultural expectations. I know it was hard for them.

I have one kid in college and one in HS. College DC has a long distance gf, but they are still really close. They talk to each other everyday. I fear that if she breaks up with him, he will be devastated, and his grades will tank. I'm not going to forbid him from dating her; she makes him really happy. There would be no way for me to forbid him, anyways. He has a PT job and uses that money to go see her, and I also want him to finish college, so I would still pay for his college education. But, as a parent, I can understand this man's fear.

I also told my HS DD that if their grades tank when they start dating, the dating would have to stop. DD is not there yet, but she's been warned.

I'm not saying OP should forbid her DD. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective.

German here. Not so much. Certainly not out looking for other Germans, or insisting the kids only date Germans or whatever. Do we still have some German customs? Sure, mostly language and Christmas. Do we expect others to follow them? No.

I don't think (Western) European immigrants are quite as entrenched in their cultural backgrounds as some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

Sorry but that Korean parent is not going to think they are nice normal people because that is not their priority.
As a child of Asian parents with similar inability to accept other cultural forms, as a teen I would have loved for another adult to ask them if they thought Americans also practiced Confucian culture. Because if one disagrees with the cultural norms of another society, one should probably avoid emigrating into it.
I know too many stories if Asian parents who threaten, bully, try their best to isolate their growing teens from American life. Those kids are so miserable. Phones are routinely confiscated each night, emails are never private. Sometimes the police are called in because these parents don't know what else to do. My children have classmates who go home to this everyday from Stuyvesant and Bronx Science.

Yes, this is happening to our neighbor. The DC sneaks out at midnight to get away from it. It’s awful. The DC is miserable.

[Anonymous]

As an Asian American who was not born in the US but moved here in my childhood, I can attest that my parents were often clueless about the parenting norms in the US, just as you would be clueless if you moved to an Asian country. However, even though they were clueless they were always interested in learning about the differences. I have two suggestions.

First, in a nonjudgemental way, ask for him for the reason. Is he afraid his son will do poorly in college? Do they want him to focus on his school/career? You may not get the truth, but at least some idea.

Second, try to explain the cultural differences in a nonjudgmental way. Yes, you sympathize and want his son and your daughter to do well in school and in their careers. However, in western parenting it is not acceptable to tell adult children what to do. Explain that even if you wanted to be able to tell your daughter what to do, it would go against custom and be frowned upon.

My parents were usually willing to bend somewhat if they knew that what they were asking would be frowned upon by society at large, because they were very sensitive to social pressures. I gave up on trying to argue with them that my way was "the right way" or "the better way." I got a lot further by arguing that "this is the socially acceptable way here." This didn't always work but at least I had a chance. I have the feeling the dad might not listen, but the son probably won't just cave to the dad's wishes either. In the end, it would be better for everyone to stay as cordial as possible, because who knows...those might be your in laws some day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

+1000
WTF

[Anonymous]

My first thought would be to ask the daughter and the boyfriend for some context and back story. Why now? Did anything spur the call? I would want to take my lead from the couple, particularly your daughter. What does she think? What are her observations about the situation at hand and the boyfriend's relationship with his parents? How does she feel about her relationship; is worth even engaging with the crazy dad?

I would take the call and respond in a way that supports your daughter's wishes and perspective. If you like the boy, I'd also try to protect his interests as well. It's got to be pretty embarrassing for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the US for all it’s faults is still a really great free country.

One of the few countries where an immigrant who doesn't have the same skin color as most of the native population or have any education can make good money.

My sister actually went through something similar with her now DH. His parents were not happy that he was dating my sister while he was in college (even though we are also Korean). TBF, his grades did tank a lot when he started dating my sister. lol.

I feel for that guy, but it's also really hard for immigrant parents. Yes, they should not expect their children to not conform to the country they immigrated to, but it's really hard for people to let go of their culture and expectations. I'm sure European (and other) immigrants went through the same thing.

Look at it this way, if your kid was dating someone whom you thought was a really bad influence or you noticed that your kid's grades were tanking when they started dating, wouldn't you be concerned and want to separate them? That's how this father sees it. Now, imagine you are paying $50K+ a year for college for this kid, but his grades are tanking. Wouldn't you want your kid to stop the distractions and focus on his studies?

For the most part, western parents see 18+ year olds as adults who can make their own decisions, but a lot of the more conservative countries don't share that same view. So, it's hard for those parents to let their teens make their own decisions, especially when the parent feels that those decisions will negatively impact their kid. I was a boring teen who never got into any trouble, never dated in HS (because I didn't like anyone enough to), and got great grades, so my parents largely left me alone. But, my oldest sibling bore the brunt of their cultural expectations. I know it was hard for them.

I have one kid in college and one in HS. College DC has a long distance gf, but they are still really close. They talk to each other everyday. I fear that if she breaks up with him, he will be devastated, and his grades will tank. I'm not going to forbid him from dating her; she makes him really happy. There would be no way for me to forbid him, anyways. He has a PT job and uses that money to go see her, and I also want him to finish college, so I would still pay for his college education. But, as a parent, I can understand this man's fear.

I also told my HS DD that if their grades tank when they start dating, the dating would have to stop. DD is not there yet, but she's been warned.

I'm not saying OP should forbid her DD. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective.

German here. Not so much. Certainly not out looking for other Germans, or insisting the kids only date Germans or whatever. Do we still have some German customs? Sure, mostly language and Christmas. Do we expect others to follow them? No.

I don't think (Western) European immigrants are quite as entrenched in their cultural backgrounds as some.

I was referring to European immigrants historically. Today's western European immigrants aren't that different to Americans.

I'm married to a European immigrant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first thought would be to ask the daughter and the boyfriend for some context and back story. Why now? Did anything spur the call? I would want to take my lead from the couple, particularly your daughter. What does she think? What are her observations about the situation at hand and the boyfriend's relationship with his parents? How does she feel about her relationship; is worth even engaging with the crazy dad?

I would take the call and respond in a way that supports your daughter's wishes and perspective. If you like the boy, I'd also try to protect his interests as well. It's got to be pretty embarrassing for him.

+1

This is a good idea. What prompted the father to call now? The boyfriend probably knows.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar story from the other perspective. In college, I dated a Korean girl who came to America very young. We'd been dating a few months when summer break started and she came over to our house. She was the first girl I'd ever brought home, so I think my parents thought it was more serious than it really was. After the visit, my mom started having nightmares about us having mixed babies and asked me to stop seeing her. My dad also lectured me on the hierarchy of Asian ethnicities which didn't bode well for Koreans.

I wish I would have done the right thing and told my parents to screw off with their racist crap. But I didn't. I was beginning to see that my girlfriend had some serious issues and there was not much of a future for us. But instead of breaking it off for this reason, I was a coward and used my parents as a scapegoat to tell her that I was forbidden from seeing her anymore due to race. It was one of the lowest points in my life.

Years later, we spoke on the phone, and I apologized to her. She's now happily married with two wonderful children.

[Anonymous]

I think OP should have a conersation by text so there is a written record of the crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the US for all it’s faults is still a really great free country.

One of the few countries where an immigrant who doesn't have the same skin color as most of the native population or have any education can make good money.

My sister actually went through something similar with her now DH. His parents were not happy that he was dating my sister while he was in college (even though we are also Korean). TBF, his grades did tank a lot when he started dating my sister. lol.

I feel for that guy, but it's also really hard for immigrant parents. Yes, they should not expect their children to not conform to the country they immigrated to, but it's really hard for people to let go of their culture and expectations. I'm sure European (and other) immigrants went through the same thing.

Look at it this way, if your kid was dating someone whom you thought was a really bad influence or you noticed that your kid's grades were tanking when they started dating, wouldn't you be concerned and want to separate them? That's how this father sees it. Now, imagine you are paying $50K+ a year for college for this kid, but his grades are tanking. Wouldn't you want your kid to stop the distractions and focus on his studies?

For the most part, western parents see 18+ year olds as adults who can make their own decisions, but a lot of the more conservative countries don't share that same view. So, it's hard for those parents to let their teens make their own decisions, especially when the parent feels that those decisions will negatively impact their kid. I was a boring teen who never got into any trouble, never dated in HS (because I didn't like anyone enough to), and got great grades, so my parents largely left me alone. But, my oldest sibling bore the brunt of their cultural expectations. I know it was hard for them.

I have one kid in college and one in HS. College DC has a long distance gf, but they are still really close. They talk to each other everyday. I fear that if she breaks up with him, he will be devastated, and his grades will tank. I'm not going to forbid him from dating her; she makes him really happy. There would be no way for me to forbid him, anyways. He has a PT job and uses that money to go see her, and I also want him to finish college, so I would still pay for his college education. But, as a parent, I can understand this man's fear.

I also told my HS DD that if their grades tank when they start dating, the dating would have to stop. DD is not there yet, but she's been warned.

I'm not saying OP should forbid her DD. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective.

German here. Not so much. Certainly not out looking for other Germans, or insisting the kids only date Germans or whatever. Do we still have some German customs? Sure, mostly language and Christmas. Do we expect others to follow them? No.

I don't think (Western) European immigrants are quite as entrenched in their cultural backgrounds as some.

Another German here.

Agree 100%.