Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

Why do people like this come to the USA if they don’t want to adapt in any way?

Becsuse if I moved to South Korea there would some 'American' characteritics that would be difficult to change?

Many Asian parents as well as White, Black want their kids to marry their own kind.

Many parents are told marriages are better because of simular backgrounds and cutlures.

Who knows? We all know examples of difficult cultures suceeded and same culture failing.

Then you know where it would be very easy for them to have their kids marry a fellow Korean? In Korea!! Sheesh!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are away at college how do the parents even know, really? Would be fairly easy to hide if the son wanted to do so.

I’d play gray rock when you talk to the dad “hmmm, I see…, interesting….” etc etc, say little else yourself, keep the call brief and stay out of it. I would not bother to give any opinion at all because a parent like this does not care about your opinion anyway. Also make sure not to give any information- even if it seems innocent- that could make things any worse. My guess is the boyfriend doesn’t tell his parents much willingly.

Yes completely agree on this. Don't say anything about the plans to go on vacation etc.

+1 Asian American here. This is probably the best advice. I feel sorry for the boyfriend, and for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Another Asian play poster here. This man seems extreme, even for a traditional Asian parent. Do not disclose any plans!

Just be courteous, and explain that the relationship will likely end by itself anyway since long distance dating is hardly ever sustainable at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Another Asian play poster here. This man seems extreme, even for a traditional Asian parent. Do not disclose any plans!

Just be courteous, and explain that the relationship will likely end by itself anyway since long distance dating is hardly ever sustainable at that age.

No idea how play got into my sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the US for all it’s faults is still a really great free country.

One of the few countries where an immigrant who doesn't have the same skin color as most of the native population or have any education can make good money.

My sister actually went through something similar with her now DH. His parents were not happy that he was dating my sister while he was in college (even though we are also Korean). TBF, his grades did tank a lot when he started dating my sister. lol.

I feel for that guy, but it's also really hard for immigrant parents. Yes, they should not expect their children to not conform to the country they immigrated to, but it's really hard for people to let go of their culture and expectations. I'm sure European (and other) immigrants went through the same thing.

Look at it this way, if your kid was dating someone whom you thought was a really bad influence or you noticed that your kid's grades were tanking when they started dating, wouldn't you be concerned and want to separate them? That's how this father sees it. Now, imagine you are paying $50K+ a year for college for this kid, but his grades are tanking. Wouldn't you want your kid to stop the distractions and focus on his studies?

For the most part, western parents see 18+ year olds as adults who can make their own decisions, but a lot of the more conservative countries don't share that same view. So, it's hard for those parents to let their teens make their own decisions, especially when the parent feels that those decisions will negatively impact their kid. I was a boring teen who never got into any trouble, never dated in HS (because I didn't like anyone enough to), and got great grades, so my parents largely left me alone. But, my oldest sibling bore the brunt of their cultural expectations. I know it was hard for them.

I have one kid in college and one in HS. College DC has a long distance gf, but they are still really close. They talk to each other everyday. I fear that if she breaks up with him, he will be devastated, and his grades will tank. I'm not going to forbid him from dating her; she makes him really happy. There would be no way for me to forbid him, anyways. He has a PT job and uses that money to go see her, and I also want him to finish college, so I would still pay for his college education. But, as a parent, I can understand this man's fear.

I also told my HS DD that if their grades tank when they start dating, the dating would have to stop. DD is not there yet, but she's been warned.

I'm not saying OP should forbid her DD. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Send him a copy of Romeo and Juliet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Another Asian play poster here. This man seems extreme, even for a traditional Asian parent. Do not disclose any plans!

Just be courteous, and explain that the relationship will likely end by itself anyway since long distance dating is hardly ever sustainable at that age.

Also add that if he doesn’t go to college, his son won’t be able to look after his parents in the future. That’s always a consideration for Asian parents…

Clearly the father is volatile, hasn’t thought this through and is a disturbed control freak. It’s an empty threat.

None of my Asian friends, or myself, were ever treated this way by our parents.

[Anonymous]

The threat of cutting off his son if you don't get your daughter to stop seeing him gave me pause. I understand that the dad thinks this will work. From an American individualistic perspective, why would you care if he cuts off his son? The father may think you'll be scared his son won't "provide" for your daughter. If so, that's old-fashioned thinking.

His son can find other ways to be educated and could even, theoretically, move in with your family to save money. That would not be what the father wants, I'm sure.

Cutting the son off would be bad, but the son would likely survive and even move more in the direction the father does not want. The fact the dad thinks that threat will control and manipulate your behavior is pretty interesting.

My friend's Vietnamese and my other friend's Indian parents did not like any of us white people. The Vietnamese family didn't like American teens at all. The Indian family liked I was a vegetarian, so they seemed more willing to put up with me. But it was funny how fast I was judged given they chose to come to this country and surrounded their kids with white Americans...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

A lot.

+1 Also Asian-American (but not Korean) and posted above. Sorry but this is all very culturally loaded and it's fair for OP to include that key fact.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you do not want to get in the middle of anything between your daughter and his son, or between him and his son. Find out from him what his objections are. Ask him if he would prefer their son date somebody long distance, which would be less distracting from studies, or date somebody on the same campus, which would be more of a distraction, also let him know that most romances of this kind run their course and end naturally.

Come on now, stop tiptoeing around the obvious: The dad forbids the relationship because OP’s daughter isn’t Korean.

[Anonymous]

Has NO ONE seen the movie Crazy Rich Asians?

It is so apropos here (even though the Asians in movie were Chinese / Chinese-American, and not Korean).

So many parallels.

[Anonymous]

If he’s a chaebol, I’d stand your ground until he offers a check.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who thinks the grades were not perfect and the dad is looking for a scapegoat.

If the problem were just that OP's daughter isn't Korean, the dad would have forbade the relationship from the start. Instead, he's coming down hard now, a year later, suggesting he is blaming the daughter for something.

[Anonymous]

Use reverse psychology…before he even starts tell him you are so glad he called because his son is interfering with your DD’s 4.0 (ideally in a STEM major) and ask what he plans to do to whip his son into shape.

[Anonymous]

BF should just tell the dad they broke up. If they're still dating when they graduate, tell him then.