Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

Of course you need forgiveness. You sound like a racist. You should be more respectful of cultural differences and more deferential to your elders. As it is you come off like a bigoted right-winger.

NP. lol! Nope. I don’t respect cultural difference that are degrading to women. Ever. Saying “cultural differences” is just an attempt to excuse and normalize degrading behavior toward women.

dp... it's weird ... South Korea has had a female president, whereas the US never has.

Because she was the daughter of a former president

oh, so one day the US will vote for Ivanka as POTUS because she's the daughter of a former POTUS, rather than voting for a woman who is capable irrespective of who her parents are?

God, can you even IMAGINE how off the rails our "Trump women and their fashion" thread would be if Ivanka became president?!

[Anonymous]

Actually I think Ivanka would have a decent chance at winning the R nomination in the future given our current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

Of course you need forgiveness. You sound like a racist. You should be more respectful of cultural differences and more deferential to your elders. As it is you come off like a bigoted right-winger.

NP. lol! Nope. I don’t respect cultural difference that are degrading to women. Ever. Saying “cultural differences” is just an attempt to excuse and normalize degrading behavior toward women.

How was this "degrading women?"

And shame on you, you crazy right-wing loon. Have more tolerance for other countries. Are you MAGA?

Why is it MAGA or a right-wing loon if you disagree with someone trying to perpetrate horrifically sexist views?

Wouldn't someone MAGA be pro Korean dad in this situation?

What sexist views?

You are an intolerant bigot. Those tend to be MAGA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

my first thought is they are Tiger parents. The focus is ONLY on academics, not dating. But if dating was in the picture, they expect son to date another korean. Your daughter should actually keep this in mind. She doesn't want to tie herself to someone all through college only for him to end it when its time for him to "get serious" about finding a long term partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

Of course you need forgiveness. You sound like a racist. You should be more respectful of cultural differences and more deferential to your elders. As it is you come off like a bigoted right-winger.

NP. lol! Nope. I don’t respect cultural difference that are degrading to women. Ever. Saying “cultural differences” is just an attempt to excuse and normalize degrading behavior toward women.

dp... it's weird ... South Korea has had a female president, whereas the US never has.

DP. +1. Pakistan, Philippines, India have had woman leaders. We may re-elect Mr Grab by the P****

electing is one thing. Someone of a different race marrying your kid is a whole other thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

They're not "backwards racist loons", they're reactionary and misguided but they don't sound racist as much as concerned for their son's education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the US for all it’s faults is still a really great free country.

One of the few countries where an immigrant who doesn't have the same skin color as most of the native population or have any education can make good money.

My sister actually went through something similar with her now DH. His parents were not happy that he was dating my sister while he was in college (even though we are also Korean). TBF, his grades did tank a lot when he started dating my sister. lol.

I feel for that guy, but it's also really hard for immigrant parents. Yes, they should not expect their children to not conform to the country they immigrated to, but it's really hard for people to let go of their culture and expectations. I'm sure European (and other) immigrants went through the same thing.

Look at it this way, if your kid was dating someone whom you thought was a really bad influence or you noticed that your kid's grades were tanking when they started dating, wouldn't you be concerned and want to separate them? That's how this father sees it. Now, imagine you are paying $50K+ a year for college for this kid, but his grades are tanking. Wouldn't you want your kid to stop the distractions and focus on his studies?

For the most part, western parents see 18+ year olds as adults who can make their own decisions, but a lot of the more conservative countries don't share that same view. So, it's hard for those parents to let their teens make their own decisions, especially when the parent feels that those decisions will negatively impact their kid. I was a boring teen who never got into any trouble, never dated in HS (because I didn't like anyone enough to), and got great grades, so my parents largely left me alone. But, my oldest sibling bore the brunt of their cultural expectations. I know it was hard for them.

I have one kid in college and one in HS. College DC has a long distance gf, but they are still really close. They talk to each other everyday. I fear that if she breaks up with him, he will be devastated, and his grades will tank. I'm not going to forbid him from dating her; she makes him really happy. There would be no way for me to forbid him, anyways. He has a PT job and uses that money to go see her, and I also want him to finish college, so I would still pay for his college education. But, as a parent, I can understand this man's fear.

I also told my HS DD that if their grades tank when they start dating, the dating would have to stop. DD is not there yet, but she's been warned.

I'm not saying OP should forbid her DD. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective.

German here. Not so much. Certainly not out looking for other Germans, or insisting the kids only date Germans or whatever. Do we still have some German customs? Sure, mostly language and Christmas. Do we expect others to follow them? No.

I don't think (Western) European immigrants are quite as entrenched in their cultural backgrounds as some.

Dont be willfully ignorant. Any ethnic group that can pass for white in this country gets a pass at pretty much everything.

[Anonymous]

Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

Almost 20 years ago, a young sociology PhD studying this phenomena told me that unlike prior American generations---where race, ethnicity and social class dictated marriage patterns---the data increasingly showed that the common denominator from the 1990s on had become education level, at least for the highly educated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

Of course you need forgiveness. You sound like a racist. You should be more respectful of cultural differences and more deferential to your elders. As it is you come off like a bigoted right-winger.

NP. lol! Nope. I don’t respect cultural difference that are degrading to women. Ever. Saying “cultural differences” is just an attempt to excuse and normalize degrading behavior toward women.

dp... it's weird ... South Korea has had a female president, whereas the US never has.

Because she was the daughter of a former president

South Korea has the lowest birth rate IN THE WORLD for a reason, and it is a huge national problem for them. Sexism. South Korean women in 2024 do not want to get married and they certainly do not want to have children because they see no benefit in it for them as the gender roles/norms are so extreme that they think it will be too hard for them as women to have a career, a life and still be a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

Almost 20 years ago, a young sociology PhD studying this phenomena told me that unlike prior American generations---where race, ethnicity and social class dictated marriage patterns---the data increasingly showed that the common denominator from the 1990s on had become education level, at least for the highly educated.

Makes a lot of sense. If I'm honest, I have such a bias too. If my DC wanted to marry someone who didn't go to college, I would want to know this person had a darned good reason for not going to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Interesting take and probably somewhat accurate given that you have experience with this but, yeah, why does the fact that he’s Korean have anything to do with this specific situation? Would you respond to this insane request if the person was white? Are you trying to be “culturally sensitive” by at least hearing him out because he’s Korean? They’re adults and you do not plan to get involved regardless of anyone’s ethnicity or potential culture beliefs, right? I’m sure not every Korean person/family acts this way or in this extreme. I wouldn’t even speak to him because it’s so insane (and I am also Asian, btw) but if he calls and insists on talking, I guess you could listen and then say/do nothing more. Very odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

Of course you need forgiveness. You sound like a racist. You should be more respectful of cultural differences and more deferential to your elders. As it is you come off like a bigoted right-winger.

NP. lol! Nope. I don’t respect cultural difference that are degrading to women. Ever. Saying “cultural differences” is just an attempt to excuse and normalize degrading behavior toward women.

dp... it's weird ... South Korea has had a female president, whereas the US never has.

Because she was the daughter of a former president

South Korea has the lowest birth rate IN THE WORLD for a reason, and it is a huge national problem for them. Sexism. South Korean women in 2024 do not want to get married and they certainly do not want to have children because they see no benefit in it for them as the gender roles/norms are so extreme that they think it will be too hard for them as women to have a career, a life and still be a mother.

Indeed, but it's not just South Korea. Western European countries and even the US is starting to have the same issues. If not for immigrants, our birth rate would be stagnate to declining.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/12/immigration-reform-could-be-the-answer-to-the-falling-us-birth-rate.html

https://www.npr.org/2023/01/27/1151734308/immigration-economy-birth-rate-population

[Anonymous]

Those immigrant Korean parents chose to live in America. Interfering is inappropriate here so perhaps they need to emigrate back to Korea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those immigrant Korean parents chose to live in America. Interfering is inappropriate here so perhaps they need to emigrate back to Korea.

Have you read the Adult Children and Family forums lately? They fit in just fine in this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Interesting take and probably somewhat accurate given that you have experience with this but, yeah, why does the fact that he’s Korean have anything to do with this specific situation? Would you respond to this insane request if the person was white? Are you trying to be “culturally sensitive” by at least hearing him out because he’s Korean? They’re adults and you do not plan to get involved regardless of anyone’s ethnicity or potential culture beliefs, right? I’m sure not every Korean person/family acts this way or in this extreme. I wouldn’t even speak to him because it’s so insane (and I am also Asian, btw) but if he calls and insists on talking, I guess you could listen and then say/do nothing more. Very odd.

What a dumb question. That’s kind of like asking what does his being a father have anything to do with it? Culture is part of a person and understanding someone’s cultural context helps you communicate better with them. It’s called empathy.

As for why anyone would take the call, because having a conversation can sometimes be helpful. If nothing else, the OP would learn more about her DD’s boyfriend.