Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the parents and find out whats going on.

What? No! Ignore. They are adults. You do not want to get involved.

They are teenagers. I don’t know about this case but there are plenty of situations where parents need to get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

A lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

A lot.

+1 Also Asian-American (but not Korean) and posted above. Sorry but this is all very culturally loaded and it's fair for OP to include that key fact.

[Anonymous]

If they are away at college how do the parents even know, really? Would be fairly easy to hide if the son wanted to do so.

I’d play gray rock when you talk to the dad “hmmm, I see…, interesting….” etc etc, say little else yourself, keep the call brief and stay out of it. I would not bother to give any opinion at all because a parent like this does not care about your opinion anyway. Also make sure not to give any information- even if it seems innocent- that could make things any worse. My guess is the boyfriend doesn’t tell his parents much willingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Traditions!

It’s so naive and so American to pretend that race or ethnicity are irrelevant

[Anonymous]

Tell them they are long distance and your daughter has very little influence over their son, and most likely the relationship won’t last anyway as they will both meet other people. Basically try to calm him down.

Or, you can just say, ok, I will forbid her. And then… do nothing. You are not obligated to support anyone’s crazy notions!

[Anonymous]

I think I would not meet up with them on the vacation. Let your daughter and BF meet and stay out altogether. I suspect you and your family joining in is part of the problem in his eyes. I would not want to be involved in this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Another Asian-American here agreeing that ethnicity is absolutely relevant. This scenario is not uncommon or surprising at all based on what I've seen among my Asian-American friends. Fortunately my parents were more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

Why do people like this come to the USA if they don’t want to adapt in any way?

[Anonymous]

Because the US for all it’s faults is still a really great free country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Are you really this naive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are away at college how do the parents even know, really? Would be fairly easy to hide if the son wanted to do so.

I’d play gray rock when you talk to the dad “hmmm, I see…, interesting….” etc etc, say little else yourself, keep the call brief and stay out of it. I would not bother to give any opinion at all because a parent like this does not care about your opinion anyway. Also make sure not to give any information- even if it seems innocent- that could make things any worse. My guess is the boyfriend doesn’t tell his parents much willingly.

Yes completely agree on this. Don't say anything about the plans to go on vacation etc.

[Anonymous]

Take the call and report back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

A lot! Perhaps there is someone with Korean parents who understand where this dad is coming from and can give advice to op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

Why do people like this come to the USA if they don’t want to adapt in any way?

Becsuse if I moved to South Korea there would some 'American' characteritics that would be difficult to change?

Many Asian parents as well as White, Black want their kids to marry their own kind.

Many parents are told marriages are better because of simular backgrounds and cutlures.

Who knows? We all know examples of difficult cultures suceeded and same culture failing.