Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

My DD is a freshman in college and so is her (now long-distance) boyfriend. They dated their senior year before separating for internships/ college. We were going to meet up with them for a last family vacation before classes start.

I just got the strangest message from the father of her boyfriend demanding that I forbid them from seeing each other or else he will cut off funding for his son. He plans to call me tomorrow to discuss.

We knew the boyfriend’s family was difficult based on stories he had shared. But when we’ve met them briefly they seemed civil.

I have no idea how to respond to this. In my mind both of our children are adults.

How would you handle?

[Anonymous]

Talk to the parents and find out whats going on.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you do not want to get in the middle of anything between your daughter and his son, or between him and his son. Find out from him what his objections are. Ask him if he would prefer their son date somebody long distance, which would be less distracting from studies, or date somebody on the same campus, which would be more of a distraction, also let him know that most romances of this kind run their course and end naturally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the parents and find out whats going on.

What? No! Ignore. They are adults. You do not want to get involved.

[Anonymous]

What a wreck. I would talk to him and be civil but agree with a PP on saying you are not getting in the middle of either relationship.

I feel for this kid. I had overprotective parents (and at one point a college bf with very overbearing parents) but this is very extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the parents and find out whats going on.

What? No! Ignore. They are adults. You do not want to get involved.

This, thou I would mention to my DD

[Anonymous]

Hear what he has to say, so you know what the young adults are going to be dealing with. Then tell him you have no intention of forbidding anything.

[Anonymous]

What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

I would take the call on the off chance he knows something you don't (he doesn't want them dating anymore because he bailed them out of jail last weekend?), but I would be clear that I wasn't going to get involved even to convey a message. If he's as nuts as he sounds he's trying to guilt your daughter into breaking it off because he can't convince his son to dump her, and I wouldn't even put that nonsense on my daughter's radar. It's not her job to protect boyfriend's relationship with toxic dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't take the call.

[Anonymous]

My college boyfriend’s parents did this! We’re both Chinese but born on the US. They called my parents back in the 90s and basically said the same thing. Apparently I was the cause of his ‘C’ he got in a class. My parents called me afterwards to let me know. And we stayed together and got married. Needless to say, my relationship with them has always been bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

[Anonymous]

I’d take the call (no sense avoiding it), hear him out (briefly) and then tell him that “Larla is an adult and I will not be getting in the middle of this, or discussing this any further with you”. I’d be very firm and a bit icy, personally. Such BS.

I feel sorry for the boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

Sorry but that Korean parent is not going to think they are nice normal people because that is not their priority.
As a child of Asian parents with similar inability to accept other cultural forms, as a teen I would have loved for another adult to ask them if they thought Americans also practiced Confucian culture. Because if one disagrees with the cultural norms of another society, one should probably avoid emigrating into it.
I know too many stories if Asian parents who threaten, bully, try their best to isolate their growing teens from American life. Those kids are so miserable. Phones are routinely confiscated each night, emails are never private. Sometimes the police are called in because these parents don't know what else to do. My children have classmates who go home to this everyday from Stuyvesant and Bronx Science.