Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

How do you know the daughter and her family is white?
Talk about Looney preconceived notions.

[Anonymous]

No way would I talk to this guy. It isn't OP's job to "smooth" things over.

[Anonymous]

Tell them your daughter is pregnant and that you/ she need a 6 figure line of credit charged to his bank for wedding/ baby needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use reverse psychology…before he even starts tell him you are so glad he called because his son is interfering with your DD’s 4.0 (ideally in a STEM major) and ask what he plans to do to whip his son into shape.

Ha ha! Yes, do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

How do you know the daughter and her family is white?
Talk about Looney preconceived notions.

+ a million.

Especially because, if anything, the average Korean family would be ten times more worried about what black American families are like. The skin color mention in any case is very strange because by now the Korean parents know what DD looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use reverse psychology…before he even starts tell him you are so glad he called because his son is interfering with your DD’s 4.0 (ideally in a STEM major) and ask what he plans to do to whip his son into shape.

Ha ha! Yes, do that.

I like you. Yes! If you are going to take this call might as well mess with him a bit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a chaebol, I’d stand your ground until he offers a check.

True, but OP is not going to get this lucky.

[Anonymous]

When I was in Japan, I dated a guy from a Korean family. At one point I was offered a check as a sort of “cease and desist” thing. This thread explains so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a freshman in college and so is her (now long-distance) boyfriend. They dated their senior year before separating for internships/ college. We were going to meet up with them for a last family vacation before classes start.

I just got the strangest message from the father of her boyfriend demanding that I forbid them from seeing each other or else he will cut off funding for his son. He plans to call me tomorrow to discuss.

We knew the boyfriend’s family was difficult based on stories he had shared. But when we’ve met them briefly they seemed civil.

I have no idea how to respond to this. In my mind both of our children are adults.

How would you handle?

I am Indian American with immigrant parents so I want to be clear that I appreciate the cultural component here. I understand the crazy (from our perspective) here. I am also a rather conservative minded person myself and I feel it's important to respect your elders.

HOWEVER, the bolded above would be a Hard No from me dog, and I would express that very clearly. He needs to understand that he is being inappropriate and he does not control you.

I don't understand the threat about cutting his son off. What does that have to do with you? I'd be like, You do you boo.

I would also kind of welcome any and all insults about my own DD he feels the need to express (unless you think there's any truth to her being an objectively bad influence on him??) and if he does, tell him to go F*** himself and HE (dad) better stay the F*** away from her. You can back that up with some threats of your own like a restraining order. (You say the fam has been problematic, so I don't know how bad this will get.)

What I'm saying is, I would be true to my own values, defend my family, and let the chips fall where they may. IMHO there's nothing else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a freshman in college and so is her (now long-distance) boyfriend. They dated their senior year before separating for internships/ college. We were going to meet up with them for a last family vacation before classes start.

I just got the strangest message from the father of her boyfriend demanding that I forbid them from seeing each other or else he will cut off funding for his son. He plans to call me tomorrow to discuss.

We knew the boyfriend’s family was difficult based on stories he had shared. But when we’ve met them briefly they seemed civil.

I have no idea how to respond to this. In my mind both of our children are adults.

How would you handle?

I am Indian American with immigrant parents so I want to be clear that I appreciate the cultural component here. I understand the crazy (from our perspective) here. I am also a rather conservative minded person myself and I feel it's important to respect your elders.

HOWEVER, the bolded above would be a Hard No from me dog, and I would express that very clearly. He needs to understand that he is being inappropriate and he does not control you.

I don't understand the threat about cutting his son off. What does that have to do with you? I'd be like, You do you boo.

I would also kind of welcome any and all insults about my own DD he feels the need to express (unless you think there's any truth to her being an objectively bad influence on him??) and if he does, tell him to go F*** himself and HE (dad) better stay the F*** away from her. You can back that up with some threats of your own like a restraining order. (You say the fam has been problematic, so I don't know how bad this will get.)

What I'm saying is, I would be true to my own values, defend my family, and let the chips fall where they may. IMHO there's nothing else to do.

You would threaten a restraining order if he insults your daughter? You're as crazy as he is. And that's pretty freakin' crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BF should just tell the dad they broke up. If they're still dating when they graduate, tell him then.

This is the way to go. You should Share no info with the dad. Seem understanding of his efforts but do nothing. Share everything with your daughter to relay to her bf. Do not get involved with pressuring the bf to stand up to his parents. That’s his decision and also, it may honestly have to wait until he’s financially independent.

My (Asian) parents would never contact the other parent, but they were close to making me transfer colleges in a similar situation. It was very very stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a freshman in college and so is her (now long-distance) boyfriend. They dated their senior year before separating for internships/ college. We were going to meet up with them for a last family vacation before classes start.

I just got the strangest message from the father of her boyfriend demanding that I forbid them from seeing each other or else he will cut off funding for his son. He plans to call me tomorrow to discuss.

We knew the boyfriend’s family was difficult based on stories he had shared. But when we’ve met them briefly they seemed civil.

I have no idea how to respond to this. In my mind both of our children are adults.

How would you handle?

I am Indian American with immigrant parents so I want to be clear that I appreciate the cultural component here. I understand the crazy (from our perspective) here. I am also a rather conservative minded person myself and I feel it's important to respect your elders.

HOWEVER, the bolded above would be a Hard No from me dog, and I would express that very clearly. He needs to understand that he is being inappropriate and he does not control you.

I don't understand the threat about cutting his son off. What does that have to do with you? I'd be like, You do you boo.

I would also kind of welcome any and all insults about my own DD he feels the need to express (unless you think there's any truth to her being an objectively bad influence on him??) and if he does, tell him to go F*** himself and HE (dad) better stay the F*** away from her. You can back that up with some threats of your own like a restraining order. (You say the fam has been problematic, so I don't know how bad this will get.)

What I'm saying is, I would be true to my own values, defend my family, and let the chips fall where they may. IMHO there's nothing else to do.

You would threaten a restraining order if he insults your daughter? You're as crazy as he is. And that's pretty freakin' crazy.

A man is insulting your daughter and feels intense anger that she is around his son. Yeah, threatening a RO is fine.
I didn't start this sh*t but I sure will end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a freshman in college and so is her (now long-distance) boyfriend. They dated their senior year before separating for internships/ college. We were going to meet up with them for a last family vacation before classes start.

I just got the strangest message from the father of her boyfriend demanding that I forbid them from seeing each other or else he will cut off funding for his son. He plans to call me tomorrow to discuss.

We knew the boyfriend’s family was difficult based on stories he had shared. But when we’ve met them briefly they seemed civil.

I have no idea how to respond to this. In my mind both of our children are adults.

How would you handle?

I am Indian American with immigrant parents so I want to be clear that I appreciate the cultural component here. I understand the crazy (from our perspective) here. I am also a rather conservative minded person myself and I feel it's important to respect your elders.

HOWEVER, the bolded above would be a Hard No from me dog, and I would express that very clearly. He needs to understand that he is being inappropriate and he does not control you.

I don't understand the threat about cutting his son off. What does that have to do with you? I'd be like, You do you boo.

I would also kind of welcome any and all insults about my own DD he feels the need to express (unless you think there's any truth to her being an objectively bad influence on him??) and if he does, tell him to go F*** himself and HE (dad) better stay the F*** away from her. You can back that up with some threats of your own like a restraining order. (You say the fam has been problematic, so I don't know how bad this will get.)

What I'm saying is, I would be true to my own values, defend my family, and let the chips fall where they may. IMHO there's nothing else to do.

I’m Indian-American and also familiar with the controlling behavior. My advice is the complete opposite - in one ear and out the other. Do not engage in crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them they are long distance and your daughter has very little influence over their son, and most likely the relationship won’t last anyway as they will both meet other people. Basically try to calm him down.

Or, you can just say, ok, I will forbid her. And then… do nothing. You are not obligated to support anyone’s crazy notions!

Do not do this unless you'd say the same thing directly to your daughter and boyfriend. I would not tell him anything you wouldn't also repeat to the couple.

I like the grey rock idea of just listening and then stating your one fact: they are adults and the way American families work does not involve forbidding these things. But that yes I do understand the cultural differences, but that's not how our family culture works. He can't argue with that because you are, undeniably, very American.

[Anonymous]

Tell him his son proposed and they eloped