Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

[Anonymous]

OP here- he didn’t call.

To answer a few questions:
-I messaged my DD about the situation and she said it started because they refused to break up. They haven’t started classes yet, so no grades have happened and nobody has been arrested
-the father has my # because we have taken their son on trips with us before and we provided itineraries, contact info etc
-DD says that this threatening to call and then not showing up is a practice this family uses with their son to make him worry
-We are not altering our plans in response to what looks like emotional abuse
-And if he ever does call, I intend to refer to my husband and myself by our professional/ academic titles when introducing myself
-For now I will ignore

[Anonymous]

Fwiw I worked with guy who began dating another colleague. She is Korean American, his family is from another part of the world. Both highly educated & successful professionals & lovely people. They were together at least a decade, owned a house together etc, before her family would even acknowledge his existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he didn’t call.

To answer a few questions:
-I messaged my DD about the situation and she said it started because they refused to break up. They haven’t started classes yet, so no grades have happened and nobody has been arrested
-the father has my # because we have taken their son on trips with us before and we provided itineraries, contact info etc
-DD says that this threatening to call and then not showing up is a practice this family uses with their son to make him worry
-We are not altering our plans in response to what looks like emotional abuse
-And if he ever does call, I intend to refer to my husband and myself by our professional/ academic titles when introducing myself
-For now I will ignore

Sounds good. Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

Your poor daughter. I feel bad for her BF but your daughter should cut bait. Love is not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he didn’t call.

To answer a few questions:
-I messaged my DD about the situation and she said it started because they refused to break up. They haven’t started classes yet, so no grades have happened and nobody has been arrested
-the father has my # because we have taken their son on trips with us before and we provided itineraries, contact info etc
-DD says that this threatening to call and then not showing up is a practice this family uses with their son to make him worry
-We are not altering our plans in response to what looks like emotional abuse
-And if he ever does call, I intend to refer to my husband and myself by our professional/ academic titles when introducing myself
-For now I will ignore

Why would you give professional titles- it’s a personal conversation, not a job interview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he didn’t call.

To answer a few questions:
-I messaged my DD about the situation and she said it started because they refused to break up. They haven’t started classes yet, so no grades have happened and nobody has been arrested
-the father has my # because we have taken their son on trips with us before and we provided itineraries, contact info etc
-DD says that this threatening to call and then not showing up is a practice this family uses with their son to make him worry
-We are not altering our plans in response to what looks like emotional abuse
-And if he ever does call, I intend to refer to my husband and myself by our professional/ academic titles when introducing myself
-For now I will ignore

This sounds like the best way to proceed. I like that you are supporting your daughter and her boyfriend. This happened to me in college- my BFs mom called my parents and set up a”meeting” whereby she stood on our front porch and asked my parents to help end our relationship because he would be going to med school and I may derail that. The coupe de gras was her then informing my parents we were sexually active to which my dad flew off the handle. They came to me, honestly, explained the situation and said so what you want- we’ll support you and him. Life took its course and we broke up months later when he cheated on me. What I took from the experience was my parents handled it by treating us as adults. I think they knew it would run its course as relationships typically do at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

I should have said accepting, not forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

Of course you need forgiveness. You sound like a racist. You should be more respectful of cultural differences and more deferential to your elders. As it is you come off like a bigoted right-winger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he didn’t call.

To answer a few questions:
-I messaged my DD about the situation and she said it started because they refused to break up. They haven’t started classes yet, so no grades have happened and nobody has been arrested
-the father has my # because we have taken their son on trips with us before and we provided itineraries, contact info etc
-DD says that this threatening to call and then not showing up is a practice this family uses with their son to make him worry
-We are not altering our plans in response to what looks like emotional abuse
-And if he ever does call, I intend to refer to my husband and myself by our professional/ academic titles when introducing myself
-For now I will ignore

Why would you give professional titles- it’s a personal conversation, not a job interview.

Yea very odd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he didn’t call.

To answer a few questions:
-I messaged my DD about the situation and she said it started because they refused to break up. They haven’t started classes yet, so no grades have happened and nobody has been arrested
-the father has my # because we have taken their son on trips with us before and we provided itineraries, contact info etc
-DD says that this threatening to call and then not showing up is a practice this family uses with their son to make him worry
-We are not altering our plans in response to what looks like emotional abuse
-And if he ever does call, I intend to refer to my husband and myself by our professional/ academic titles when introducing myself
-For now I will ignore

Why would you give professional titles- it’s a personal conversation, not a job interview.

Yea very odd

I assume that she means because the Korean father does not respect women, so she will be sure to let him know how accomplished she is as a professional to try to give herself leverage over him, or at least have him see her as an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he didn’t call.

To answer a few questions:
-I messaged my DD about the situation and she said it started because they refused to break up. They haven’t started classes yet, so no grades have happened and nobody has been arrested
-the father has my # because we have taken their son on trips with us before and we provided itineraries, contact info etc
-DD says that this threatening to call and then not showing up is a practice this family uses with their son to make him worry
-We are not altering our plans in response to what looks like emotional abuse
-And if he ever does call, I intend to refer to my husband and myself by our professional/ academic titles when introducing myself
-For now I will ignore

Why would you give professional titles- it’s a personal conversation, not a job interview.

Yea very odd

I assume that she means because the Korean father does not respect women, so she will be sure to let him know how accomplished she is as a professional to try to give herself leverage over him, or at least have him see her as an equal.

Wow so many assumptions here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

NP. Jesus, what do you think PP? Selective ignorance is very unattractive. Eastern families have stronger inter-familial dynamics. It’s part of the culture. Thus, OP was providing context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Korean American here. The son should just say they broke up and not involve the parents. The son is in college so the parents can’t control his everyday life. At the same time, you don’t want him to not get his tuition paid. I won’t they would actually cut him off.

In my experience of many Asians, they are more forgiving if the boyfriend/girlfriend is very smart and comes from a good family. DH is Chinese American and was in med school when we met. He does not look different than Koreans, is polite and my parents always liked him. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese parents seem to eventually accept the boyfriend or girlfriend more as long as the romantic interest is well educated. I know many Korean Americans who married white guys from ivy schools and everyone seems fine with it.

As if anyone needs an old Asian person's "forgiveness" for being non-Asian. OP could be more forgiving of her DD's Asian bf if his family wasn't a bunch of backwards racist loons. OP should not lower herself to engage in this lunacy. Even taking the call reinforces these people's unfounded sense of superiority. Put them in their place by refusing to engage further.

Of course you need forgiveness. You sound like a racist. You should be more respectful of cultural differences and more deferential to your elders. As it is you come off like a bigoted right-winger.

NP. lol! Nope. I don’t respect cultural difference that are degrading to women. Ever. Saying “cultural differences” is just an attempt to excuse and normalize degrading behavior toward women.