Reply to Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.[/quote]

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings. [/quote]

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care.  Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what.  If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too.  That isn’t how any of this works.[/quote]

Your assessment is rather extreme and doesn’t align with reality.

All the siblings with the exception of one are taking turns to help. Nobody is being a martyr because nobody has a 24/7 burden…precisely because it isn’t warranted (currently) and we are taking turns/splitting the burden.

Example: most siblings are taking turns when grandma needs a lift to the doctor or beauty parlor. One simply won’t step up to do it even once. If they did something/anything once a month, that might be just enough for the rest to not feel abandoned. They are basically local and it wouldn’t be a burden. They are simply choosing not to help.

I am really struck by a lot of the responses here.

Obviously nobody wants to be a burden. The reality is most elderly parents don’t realize when they start to decline and how much help they really need. You can’t flip a switch and dump people into a nursing home. It’s a process, and good people do their best to assess the situation, help out, and determine next steps when appropriate.

I just can’t wrap my head around how one sibling can shirk responsibility and watch the rest pitch in to help. It’s quite baffling…and upsetting. Even worse: constantly saying they can’t help when asked to do a simple thing. [/quote]

Based on your previous posts, there have to be at least 4 “helpful” siblings and also some teens who assist.  If your elderly parents need 6 rotating caregivers, I don’t think it is extreme at all to suggest you need hired help.

Your family sounds wealthy, given your most helpful sibling has a vacation home that can host such a large group.

The non helpful sibling probably sees no need for such personal day to day contributions.  They have a job with travel, kids, etc.  it isn’t practical to think they can help much.

In such a large family, there are almost certainly dynamics at play that you haven’t quite revealed here (and maybe don’t understand yourself).

I would insist on everyone being invited at the holidays.  They don’t have to come, but everyone should be invited for the grandparents’ sake.[/quote]

Since I don’t host, all I can do is ask the host to extend the invite. The reality is some siblings are so fed up and hurt that they just don’t want to be around the unhelpful one anymore. If most siblings end up planning a trip for winter break, then the unhelpful one won’t come. It’s a matter of not being able to travel given other holiday commitments with their in-laws. I sense this might be where things are heading, and that’s unfortunate. 
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