Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

[Anonymous]

The book you are looking for is called “Codependent No More.”

Did anyone involved ASK you to “broker peace”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's unrealistic to expect all siblings to contribute "equally" to elder care. It will never happen. All siblings have their own different relationships with parents, and all siblings are of different age. It's always easier for an older sibling, whose kids are out of the house, to take care of an aging parent than a sibling who has tweens at home. Tween years are very time and money consuming, and nobody should be expected to neglect their own kids on the account of a parent. It's also strange to expect a spouse to take charge of the family life, they may simply refuse, it's not their problem. I think if your elderly parent needs so much help that everybody has to chip in so much that it needs daily contribution from 3-4-5 people, it's time to look for an assisted living facility or a nursing home. It sounds like your parent had no plans for their elder years and this is not something you should take out on a sibling.

Who TF are you quoting? The original post asked about an "equitable/reasonable" division of labor, which is much different.

And expecting one parent take charge of the family life is known as "invisible labor" and is what has been done to women for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

?

All siblings have a spouse and kids. All but one have figured out how to pitch in and help by adjusting their schedule or relying on their spouse to handle the soccer practice while they spend one evening having dinner with their elderly parent (or whatever).

It’s not like anyone has been asked to cover care 24/7 for weeks on end. Our expectations are really low at this point.

Prioritizing the nuclear family? Whatever. All of us have a family. And this sibling is basically driving us away. I think they will regret it when everyone is celebrating family events and holidays, vacationing together, etc. and they aren’t included. Their kids will suffer.

Having dinner with an elderly parent is not necessary. It’s nice but not needed. Your expectations are far from low, they are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

?

All siblings have a spouse and kids. All but one have figured out how to pitch in and help by adjusting their schedule or relying on their spouse to handle the soccer practice while they spend one evening having dinner with their elderly parent (or whatever).

It’s not like anyone has been asked to cover care 24/7 for weeks on end. Our expectations are really low at this point.

Prioritizing the nuclear family? Whatever. All of us have a family. And this sibling is basically driving us away. I think they will regret it when everyone is celebrating family events and holidays, vacationing together, etc. and they aren’t included. Their kids will suffer.

Having dinner with an elderly parent is not necessary. It’s nice but not needed. Your expectations are far from low, they are ridiculous.

That's one perspective, and if you have it, you probably aren't going to be able to empathize with OP's concerns about family holidays, which are basically a series of dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

?

All siblings have a spouse and kids. All but one have figured out how to pitch in and help by adjusting their schedule or relying on their spouse to handle the soccer practice while they spend one evening having dinner with their elderly parent (or whatever).

It’s not like anyone has been asked to cover care 24/7 for weeks on end. Our expectations are really low at this point.

Prioritizing the nuclear family? Whatever. All of us have a family. And this sibling is basically driving us away. I think they will regret it when everyone is celebrating family events and holidays, vacationing together, etc. and they aren’t included. Their kids will suffer.

Having dinner with an elderly parent is not necessary. It’s nice but not needed. Your expectations are far from low, they are ridiculous.

That's one perspective, and if you have it, you probably aren't going to be able to empathize with OP's concerns about family holidays, which are basically a series of dinners.

A family holiday is different than a random Tuesday dinner, which is what OP wants the sibling to do. If an elderly relative needs someone there daily, they need to hire help/respite care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

If you don’t want to do the work, then don’t. No one is forcing you to. Threatening to “cut them from the family” just makes you a bunch of bullies.

This is really impossible to do unless you are completely heartless. I am the closest sibling and when I get called by the assisted living our mother called and is in the ER it’s tough to ignore. It’s also tough to ignore when the old person can’t see because they broke their glasses and need to go to the optometrist, they need to update hearing aids, pharmacy calls about medication, when it’s their birthday and they want you to visit,, etc.

One sibling does nothing. He lives an hour plane ride away and has not visited once in 4 years. He doesn’t bring his tween aged kids to visit either. He doesn’t help out in any way. He has the money to fly in the morning rent a car visit his mother and fly home that night. I am so resentful that I no longer wish to have any relationship with him, his wife or kids. It is completely unfair that I got stuck with our mother when I was never close to her. He used to tell her she could live with him. She has Alzheimer’s and now his kids will never know their grandmother. Meanwhile my teens and husband pick up the slack.

So what are you talking about that people like me are bullies? People who let a sibling do all the work are the selfish a-holes.

He lives an hour by plane and has a wife and kids. It is unreasonable to expect him to do all this "drop everything and go" attending to your mother that you CHOOSE to do.
Yes, you are a bully. You are resentful and now you bully your husband and kids into "picking up the slack." This is on you.

You are really DENSE. The closest sibling doesn’t get to CHOOSE. You get dumped on. If Deadbeat sibling can go to Europe, Disney, Beach weeks etc. then you can come more than once every four years to visit a parent who wasn’t abusive and was supportive to you. If not then don’t expect to be part of the extended family.

No one is talking about if a sibling has other pressing issues like specials needs child, low income and can’t afford it, parent was abusive, etc. Or even if the sibling who is distant if they are at least trying to do things like handle finances, order things online, or even just be be supportive. This is about deadbeat siblings who completely bow out, never visit, and let others pick up the slack. They are selfish and deserve to be shunned.

There you go, with your bullying. It's not enough to bully your family-you have to bully strangers on the internet now too?

[Anonymous]

As others have said, you don't get to decide what is fair or what others must do. You can only decide what you can handle and will do.

You cannot broker peace. The angry sibling is overextending and needs to figure what she/he can do without feeling hostile.

Does the parent have a lot of money? It's worth it to give up an inheritance and throw the parents money at this. It's a lot easier to hire out tasks, care and all the miserable stuff and just go visit the parent to check on things, enjoy quality time and relax. If there's no money, I would figure out your options with what is available and within parent's means.

[Anonymous]

Op - your parent may not have the same view of this as you. My elderly Mom was happy thinking of the (whether it was true or not) exciting, busy, ambitious life her children led. Nothing made her happier. Us sitting there in front of her, too long, she would get anxious that we were neglecting something important in our lives.

We all visited. Some more than others. Mom never complained. She was very proud of us. That seemed to matter the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

?

All siblings have a spouse and kids. All but one have figured out how to pitch in and help by adjusting their schedule or relying on their spouse to handle the soccer practice while they spend one evening having dinner with their elderly parent (or whatever).

It’s not like anyone has been asked to cover care 24/7 for weeks on end. Our expectations are really low at this point.

Prioritizing the nuclear family? Whatever. All of us have a family. And this sibling is basically driving us away. I think they will regret it when everyone is celebrating family events and holidays, vacationing together, etc. and they aren’t included. Their kids will suffer.

Having dinner with an elderly parent is not necessary. It’s nice but not needed. Your expectations are far from low, they are ridiculous.

It’s preparing dinner or taking them out to dinner. It’s making sure they are eating and are still able to care for themselves.

Apparently you haven’t had the situation where an elderly parent starts to decline and family needs to be more present to assess the situation and provide more care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - your parent may not have the same view of this as you. My elderly Mom was happy thinking of the (whether it was true or not) exciting, busy, ambitious life her children led. Nothing made her happier. Us sitting there in front of her, too long, she would get anxious that we were neglecting something important in our lives.

We all visited. Some more than others. Mom never complained. She was very proud of us. That seemed to matter the most.

That’s nice.

Some elderly folks need actual care and support. It’s not about visiting. Rather, it’s about a reasonable division of responsibility when it comes to supporting aging in place and ultimately assisted living.

The elderly person in my scenario no longer drives and isn’t tech savvy. Can you imagine what that means when it comes to paying bills, maintaining a home, getting to appointments, getting groceries, etc?

It’s not ok to just peace out and only check in on holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

?

All siblings have a spouse and kids. All but one have figured out how to pitch in and help by adjusting their schedule or relying on their spouse to handle the soccer practice while they spend one evening having dinner with their elderly parent (or whatever).

It’s not like anyone has been asked to cover care 24/7 for weeks on end. Our expectations are really low at this point.

Prioritizing the nuclear family? Whatever. All of us have a family. And this sibling is basically driving us away. I think they will regret it when everyone is celebrating family events and holidays, vacationing together, etc. and they aren’t included. Their kids will suffer.

Having dinner with an elderly parent is not necessary. It’s nice but not needed. Your expectations are far from low, they are ridiculous.

It’s preparing dinner or taking them out to dinner. It’s making sure they are eating and are still able to care for themselves.

Apparently you haven’t had the situation where an elderly parent starts to decline and family needs to be more present to assess the situation and provide more care.

IF they can't feed themselves they need to be in a care home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

?

All siblings have a spouse and kids. All but one have figured out how to pitch in and help by adjusting their schedule or relying on their spouse to handle the soccer practice while they spend one evening having dinner with their elderly parent (or whatever).

It’s not like anyone has been asked to cover care 24/7 for weeks on end. Our expectations are really low at this point.

Prioritizing the nuclear family? Whatever. All of us have a family. And this sibling is basically driving us away. I think they will regret it when everyone is celebrating family events and holidays, vacationing together, etc. and they aren’t included. Their kids will suffer.

Having dinner with an elderly parent is not necessary. It’s nice but not needed. Your expectations are far from low, they are ridiculous.

It’s preparing dinner or taking them out to dinner. It’s making sure they are eating and are still able to care for themselves.

Apparently you haven’t had the situation where an elderly parent starts to decline and family needs to be more present to assess the situation and provide more care.

IF they can't feed themselves they need to be in a care home.

Exactly. The unhelpful sibling realizes that the amount of care needed is too much to be provided by family. OP and the "helpful" siblings are being unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am estranged from my large family and my mother is in her late 90’s. Long story short, I was my mother’s whipping boy. I lived my life trying to get her to like me. As she aged I would travel from a significant distance to spend time with her and help her. She turned around and accused me of stealing from her. She has been doing this my entire life, so my siblings naturally believed her. I am the only one of her children with significant medical issues.
I am sure I am judged by most people. My mother has plenty of care from her kids. I will always crave The mother I never had. These are not simple conversations and I would question the sibling who complains. They are privileged.

My situation exactly too. When my dad passed my sibling completely cut me out of everything and my mom supported them. I no longer have a relationship with either. My sibling took money and gave away all the stuff without discussing it with me. For years I was accused of stealing and I never took anything and used my money to buy my dad stuff. Everything they accused me of they did. I don't crave a mom or sibling as they've never treated me well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.