The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Run to the hills as fast as you can.. People get worse with kids, not better. I am surprised that young guys would be so rigid. How old is he OP?

He's 41.

[Anonymous]

Not a lot of 41 year olds want to give up when they are doing for about two decades. Why is this a debate? You are old. You are going to have to compromise or find a time machine

[Anonymous]

You don't sound like you want a relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a lot of 41 year olds want to give up when they are doing for about two decades. Why is this a debate? You are old. You are going to have to compromise or find a time machine

So he shouldn’t have kids if he doesn’t want to parent them …

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with your plan and nothing wrong with his plan. But you are not compatible and you know that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, we know who he is voting for in November!

OP here. He's actually a Dem. Crazy, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound like you want a relationship with him.

Opened this to post the same thing ^ and I haven’t read all these comments…
It is just ibvious from the title that this doesn’t align with what you want.

So seriously do both of you a favor and end the relationship so that neither of you feels you gave up something you didn’t want to give up for the benefit of the relationship. You deserve the life you want— working full time if that’s what you desire from your life. And he also deserves to have the family life that he wants where his wife stays home with the kids of that is what he wants.
Your desires are fine and so are his.
But they are incompatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about him otherwise? Marry him, don’t take his last name. Have kids if you want them and things might work out - either he will find that he’s not such a great provider, or you find you like staying home. It’s unwise to build your life on maxims. If you wait for a perfect man, perfect circumstance, perfect timing to have a family you might never have it.

What's unwise is getting into a situation you know you don't want with someone who's basically telling you they plan to be an ATM machine. What do you think will happen when OP realizes she doesn't want to be a housewife but is stuck with a man who doesn't want to do anything around the house? OP already says that having a family at the expense of her lifestyle might be not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a pretty mainstream response.
Her clock is ticking. Once the baby is out , she can do what she wants.

This is where you get trapped. Don't have kids with people you're not sure about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, we know who he is voting for in November!

OP here. He's actually a Dem. Crazy, right?

What’s crazy to me is that feminism sold this life to women.
Maybe it’s time to listen to the young women of Gen Z who make those videos saying how crazy it is that spending every day from 9-5 working 40-hour work weeks for some corporation is somehow supposed to be the life goal!

It isn’t. Or at least it wasn’t….until we were all convinced that “liberated” meant we needed to be chained to a desk just like men! 🥴

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is being picky and then choosing IVF (and denying a child their bio dad until they are old enough to track them down) any less crazy? it’s not. Do whatever feels right now.

OP here. Where did I say anything about having and IVF? Most of us outside the DCUM bubble don't do IVFs. We just accept we can no longer have kids and dedicate our life to something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you talked about having children ? Or is this scenario all in your head? Your hypothetical to him is an odd one. Your reading and jumping to detailed outcomes is also odd.

OP here. Yes, we talked about having kids. I mentioned that in my post. Nothing odd about wanting a partner and not a provider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAH is not right or wrong. But you aren't compatible if you want him to share in taking care of the kids, because he has said he doesn't want to - don't expect that to change. If your HHI would be high enough to pay for a nanny and other time-saving expenses while you both work, have another conversation with him. Help him understand how continuing to work will make you a better mom (because it feels something you need as a person, or whatever your reasons are) than you would be if you SAH and what the two of you could do to make it work. See how he responds and if there is mutual respect. Don't go forward if there is not mutual respect. If you do go forward, be prepared that you will be the one who has to take the sacrifice if plan A of hiring a nanny, etc., doesn't work out -- because, again, he's said he doesn't want to take care of kids.

DP, that's a red flag in itself. If you want a partner and the person you're dating told you they won't be one there's no way around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have pcos you will need ivf anyway.

OP here. Plenty of women with PCOS undergo treatment (like I'm doing right now) and don't need IVF. If it turns out I can't get pregnant I'll just accept that I won't be a mother and move on. IVF is not a thing outside of affluent circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all hypothetical. We don’t know what this OP person’s personality is like or what she looks like. She might be (and she sounds) neurotic. This guy might be the best she will ever get.

Everything else is projection based on your own assets. OP may be low assets.

None of what you said is relevant to the fact that OP doesn't want to be housewife. Some posters have a hard time understanding this.